


Paper Pieces

by Milkfish11



Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Best Friends, Childhood Friends, F/M, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Moving On, Pining, Rejection, Yunchan, yunbin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-26
Updated: 2020-05-29
Packaged: 2020-09-27 04:00:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 52,535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20401330
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Milkfish11/pseuds/Milkfish11
Summary: Somewhere along their friendship, Yunhyeong fell in love with his bestfriend Hanbin. He never wanted, but he did. Now it's getting harder and harder to keep his feelings at bay, but he is resolute to keep it all in him until it fades away. Their friendship is the most important thing to him and he is willing to sacrifice his love and endure all the pain just to maintain it that way.Jung Chanwoo never wanted complications. He wanted to live simply - go to school, play online games and watch baseball and that's all enough for him. But things do not always go the way we wanted it to be, he never expected this out the blue friendship will put him in a mess he never dared to be in.





	1. Best Friend

“You like him,” Jinhwan announced so suddenly and with so much confidence that Yunhyeong needed to double take. He stared at him, mouth agape like a dumb aquarium fish.

Jinhwan met Yunhyeong's gaze intently. Jinhwan's brown eyes bore into his dull ones searching for something. Yunhyeong's mind reeled, quickly and desperately for some form of excuse. The best way to deny Jihwan's claim was to laugh it off his face and call him being stupid and stop pushing such cliché ideas. But Yunhyeong didn't know why he could not do it now. After all, it’s not the first time that Jinhwan concluded that Yunhyeong and his best friend Hanbin, have some sort of gay relationship. Yunhyeong didn't know why this time was any different.

Maybe it was the conviction and in Jinhwan's eyes and voice that he finally put all the pieces together.

Maybe it was the fact that Jinhwan said that Yunhyeong likes Hanbin, not some crappy claim of them being hot and doing some man-action behind his back.

Or maybe it was the fact that Yunhyeong finally realized that Jinhwan almost got it right. Almost.

“Hyung, are you drunk?” Yunhyeong said confidently as he could muster finally snapping out from the initial shock.

“No. Definitely not.” He looked at him like a grown another eye but the firmness in his eyes is unwavering. “Yunhyeong-ie, I think you like him more than you care to admit.”

“What?” Yunhyeong replied not as eloquently as he wished. Jinhwan's eyes prodded him with much intensity that his mind failed to form any coherent and believable excuse.

“You always take care of him, always getting him out of trouble, always defending him…” Yunhyeong knew he had more to say but he decided to intervene. This was really getting out of hand. This was not how Yunhyeong envisioned his Friday morning to be like.

“Really, hyung?” Yunhyeong looked at him incredulously. “Hanbin’s my best friend. Our best friend. We’ve been since we were in elementary. I think that’s something a best friend would do. Hell, I’d done the same for you.”

“Yet you never give me those longing looks…” Jinhwan said quietly.

Of course, he will notice those things. He may be a happy-go-lucky guy but Jinhwan was also observant. Yunhyeong knew it because Jinhwan is also his best friend beside Hanbin. The three of them grew up together. In their group, Jinhwan was like their cool and wise older brother and Hanbin was the genius and stubborn younger brother and Yunhyeong, the old fashioned middle child.

“You know what? Believe all you want but let me tell you…” Yunhyeong exhaled forcing his body and mind to lose all the tension that’s building up. “Hanbin’s just my best friend.”

Yunhyeong was turning away from Jinhwan when he said something that made him falter.

“Then why don’t just say you don’t like him.”

Yunhyeong swore that his heart almost stopped on that moment. Yunhyeong was fortunate that Jinhwan could not see his face because his look will give it all away. Although, Yunhyeong think his reactions gave Jinhwan the answer he was asking for.

Yunhyeong sighed and just ignored him, walking away. Luckily, no one’s around to see the truth in his sad brown eyes.

Lunch came and Yunhyeong tried to push all the thoughts of what happened that morning. He tried to act normal especially in front of Hanbin but Jinhwan make it so hard for him by giving this exploring looks and it’s starting to get through him. Yunhyeong wished he would let this go.

Yunhyeong wished.

“Hey, Yunhyeong hyung,” Hanbin snapped him from His thoughts with knitted brows, “are you alright?”

“Uhm… what?”

Yunhyeong's dumb response earned curious glances from his friends around the table.

“You’re spacing out again. Is there anything bothering you?”

Yunhyeong stared at Hanbin’s concerned eyes, thinking if he ever found the courage to tell him what he really feels, will Hanbin accept him? Yunhyeong sighed and direct his stare at Jinhwan, who was giving him this sad knowing look. Yunhyeong lowered his gaze and gathered the last ounce energy to put a fake smile.

“Nothing. I’m fine. I feel a bit tired though.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah. No worries, I won’t skip practice.” Yunhyeong smirked at him knowing how much Hanbin hated it when Yunhyeong skips their practice games or even a simple drill session. Hanbin was strict and put so much passion in everything he likes to do. He was also scary that Yunhyeong often forgets that he was older than him.

“You know what? Skip the practice. I’ll tell coach.”

Yunhyeong looked at him surprised, not expecting his response.

“Now it’s my turn to ask if you’re okay.” Yunhyeong chuckled at his annoyed expression.

“Well, you look so out of it. I do not want you to slow the other guys down.” He deadpanned. They have an upcoming basketball match and everyone is preparing so hard for it since they wanted to be in the regionals this year.

“You’re so mean.” Yunhyeong pouted. Yunhyeong was used with Hanbin’s harsh way of expressing concern. He was never the one to sugar coat anything anyway but Yunhyeong knew, with the way his eyes were surreptitiously glancing at him, he was really looking out for him. He must really look troubled. Yunhyeong needed to deal with these feelings or soon enough this might affect other things too.

“Can I skip too, Hanbin-a?” Kim Jiwon aka Bobby blurted out looking expectantly at Hanbin.

“No.”

They all laughed. Bobby is such a ball of sunshine but a lazy one at that. But no one could deny how good he is when playing on the court.

“Why? That’s unfair.” Bobby huffed childishly. “That’s special treatment.”

“Then give me a reasonable excuse.” Hanbin challenged him.

Bobby scrunched his face thinking of a good excuse. They all looked at him expectantly and they all know he would not come up with a good one.

“Ah, I need to take my cat to the vet?”

“You don’t have a cat.” Donghyuk pointed out chuckling. Both Donghyuk and Bobby were sharing the same Dorm.

“Oh shut up.” He mumbled defeatedly.

Bobby was really an ice breaker. Yunhyeong eased up a little bit after that exchange even if he could still feel worried glances from Jinhwan and Hanbin.

Class ended sooner than Yunhyeong expected and he almost found him walking inside the gym before he remembered that he had a go signal to skip today’s practice. He peeked in the slightly ajar door, scanning the too familiar scene – their coach watching like a hawk from the sideline, Hanbin’s yelling on the team to do better, Donghyuk’s easy smile despite the intensive practice, Bobby’s lazy swag but you can see the determined look in his face. Yunhyeong could not help to notice the absence of Junhoe, he would usually be easy to spot since he is tall and liked to do something out of the blue. He smiled thinking how Junhoe will be punished when he showed up again in practice.

Yunhyeong was about to turn and leave when the saw the ball went out of bound and made its way over the other side of the court where cheering squad was having their regular stretching session. He watched as the girls ducked to avoid the ball. He saw Hanbin running towards the squad to retrieve the ball. Hanbin then went on apologizing to them for disturbing their drill.

“Finally, captain’s talking to girls!” Bobby teased from their side of the court.

Yunhyeong saw how Hanbin became flustered from the jive. He looked he was about to die of embarrassment and Yunhyeong knew why.

Kim Dahyun.

Hanbin has been harboring a small crush towards the adorable freshman Dahyun ever since he saw her in the gym after she joined the cheer team. It was cute since Hanbin was nothing but awkward towards girls in general. He never had a girlfriend because of that even though he is popular around the campus.

Yunhyeong smiled before turning and walking away from the gym. The raucous sound fading in his every step. He knew sooner or later Hanbin will have a girlfriend despite his well-known awkwardness and Yunhyeong already accepted that he can never do anything about it. He never wanted to do anything about it anyway. Their friendship was too precious than his silly feelings. For him, as long as Hanbin is happy, it will be enough for Yunhyeong and better if it is with Kim Dahyun. He already knew the freshman and he can’t help but be moved by how adorable the girl was. She was a good match for Hanbin.

Despite the thought, it still hurt Yunhyeong somehow. It hurt him so much. Soon enough, however, he believed that this pain will just be nothing but a distant memory as with the love that he felt for his best friend.


	2. Little Brother

There was still some time before sunset and Yunhyeong did not know where to go. The thought sounds pitiful enough for him to let out a small chuckle. He did not want to go back to their apartment yet since Jinhwan (the three of them shared an apartment) will most likely be there and he had still had no idea what to say his hyung. He knew he will need to tell him everything since Jinhwan already knew even without Yunhyeong admitting it.

It’s been a while since he would always wonder when this feeling will go away. Yunhyeong hoped that that time will come sooner so everything will be back to normal again.

Yunhyeong sighed and just decided to buy groceries, suddenly wanted to cook. He loves cooking and having to grow up with a family who owns a barbeque restaurant made cooking for him felt like home. It would also help him take his mind off things and let his best friends know that nothing was bothering him. He needed to show he was okay so they would not get worried about him especially in front of Hanbin.

When he arrived at the local supermarket, Yunhyeong made up his mind that he will make Pesto Alla Genovese after scanning famous Italian recipes on the internet. He’s been interested in a lot of Italian dishes nowadays. This will be his first try.

Yunhyeong was rounding up a corner when he saw Junhoe with someone unfamiliar.

“Ya, Junhoe-ya.” He called them out with an easy smile as he approached them.

“Hyung? What are you doing here?” Junhoe looked at Yunhyeong, a quick surprised look went through his face before reverting back to its default sassy face.

“I’m buying stuff for dinner,” Yunhyeong answered with a shrug.

“Shouldn’t you be in practice?” Junhoe asked with a confused look on his face.

“Well, I could ask you the same.”

Junhoe shrugged dismissively diverting his attention in the rows of energy drinks in front of them. He looked like he had forgotten that he is with someone and had no intention of introducing the guy to Yunhyeong. Typical Junhoe being Junhoe.

Yunhyeong looked at unknown guy apologetically. The guy looked out of place and Yunhyeong felt bad for him.

“Junhoe-ya! You’re being rude. Aren’t you going to introduce us?” Yunhyeong hit Junhoe on the shoulder.

“Oww! That hurts.” Junhoe rubbed his shoulder. “You’re starting to be like Hanbin hyung.” He glared at Yunhyeong for a moment before letting an exasperated sigh. “This is my new roommate Chanwoo. I’m showing him around.” Junhoe gestured at Chanwoo.

Yunhyeong now directed his focus to the guy, Chanwoo who still looked a little bit out of place. By how casually Junhoe called Chanwoo, they must be of the same age although Chanwoo, with his plump cheeks and soft jawline, looked younger compared to Junhoe, who has defined the facial feature. The two stood easily towered a couple of inches over Yunhyeong.

“Hi, I’m Song Yunhyeong.” Yunhyeong introduced himself good-naturedly, extending a hand to Chanwoo. He lip-pointed to Junhoe, “I play basketball with this rude guy.”

Chanwoo tentatively took the handshake offered to him by his roommate’s friend with a slight smile. “Nice to meet you. I’m Jung Chanwoo.”

There was short silence as Yunhyeong stared at Chanwoo who could not help to think if he was supposed to say something more. He was debating what small talk should he start but Yunhyeong beat him to it.

“Hey, we kinda’ look alike.” Yunhyeong pointed back and forth between him and Chanwoo.

Chanwoo let out a chuckle not sure how to respond to the unexpected observation. He somehow agreed though. Chanwoo noticed that they do have similar facial features albeit Yunhyeong’s face was leaner.

Junhoe crossed his arms, looking at the two of them in contemplation. “You kinda do. You two look like brothers.”

Chanwoo relaxed a bit. He was suddenly grateful with Yunhyeong’s appearance since someone can now fill in the awkward gap between him and Junhoe. It’s not that Junhoe did anything worth it to call him a jerk to make Chanwoo regret his decision of moving out. It was just he could not quite grasp Junhoe’s enigmatic personality making their conversation sporadic and curt.

On the other hand, Yunhyeong looked very amicable and outgoing. He had this inviting aura that anyone can easily gravitate.

The three of them fell in an easy conversation after that with Yunhyeong facilitating the flow. During that time, Chanwoo began to realize that he’s having a good time with some people he just met. Since the meeting with Junhoe was all but a little awkward, he already has this feeling of dread that it will go on for a couple of weeks at least. Chanwoo hated that kind of looming tension, and confrontation much more. Now, he thinks that Junhoe and he were a little comfortable with each other. He was really glad that Yunhyeong was there.

As they were exiting the supermarket, Junhoe called out to Yunhyeong. He asked his hyung if he could take Chanwoo back to their dorm.

“Why? Are you going somewhere?” Yunhyeong asked.

“I need to go back to the gym.” Junhoe scratch the back of his head. He looked annoyed with what he said.

Yunhyeong looked confused. “Wa-wait, aren’t you skipping practice?”

“I just told them I’ll be late.” Junhoe crossed his arms and shrugged. “As if Hanbin hyung would let me. I’m not you, you know?”

There was an emotion that flashed on Yunhyeong’s face when Junhoe mentioned the name Hanbin. It was subtle and fleeting that Chanwoo almost didn’t notice. He could not quite put a name on the expression he saw but he was sure that there was some form of sadness in there. Chanwoo felt sudden interest to know who this Hanbin guy is. It baffled Chanwoo how can a simple name put such emotion on someone with a bright personality as Yunhyeong. What confused him more was why did he care enough to notice it and to be bothered by it.

“No one’s like me, period.” Yunhyeong puffed his chest in front Junhoe with a boastful grin before laughing at his own antics.

“Yeah, you’re always full of yourself hyung.” Junhoe snorted derisively and rolled his eyes.

Chanwoo could not help but smile from the exchange. With how the two of them were comfortable with each other, it was obvious that they have been friends for a while now. There was a sudden envious feeling that rose in him, suddenly missing his best friend Moonbin.

“You’re in good hands Chanwoo,” Junhoe told Chanwoo as they were saying goodbye, giving him a short smile for the first time since they met. “I’ll see you later.”

When Junhoe was gone at a distance, Chanwoo suddenly felt shy being left alone with Yunhyeong. He looked uncertainly at Yunhyeong’s direction not knowing what to say but the other just answered him with an assured smile.

They were walking in comfortable silence with Chanwoo a little behind the smaller guy.

“Junhoe’s interesting character right?” Yunhyeong asked quietly still looking ahead.

Chanwoo silently agreed but decided not to voice it out. He knew why Yunhyeong brought this up. He must have noticed the worried look on Chanwoo’s face he had when Yunhyeong showed up in the supermarket. That time, he was really concerned that he could not get along with Junhoe.

“Don’t worry you two will get along.” Yunhyeong stopped as they were about to cross the street. He glanced at Chanwoo and beamed at him positively. “He acts a bit rough but he’s a good kid.”

“He’s messy though.” Chanwoo blurted out. He was not sure where the sudden burst of confidence came from and he immediately wanted to take it back, thinking it might just offend Yunhyeong somehow.

Yunhyeong laughed, startling Chanwoo who looked tensed. “You’re a little cheeky aren’t you? I’m a kinda neat freak too so I know how you feel.”

Chanwoo was glad that Yunhyeong waved his harmless joke off so easily because he meant it as one.

Yunhyeong went on telling things about Junhoe as they crossed the street. Chanwoo listened attentively and answered Yunhyeong when he asked a question. As they went on and turn to another street, Yunhyeong stopped and faced Chanwoo who was behind him.

“Ya! Why are you walking behind me?” Yunhyeong asked with a mock anger look on his face. “You’re my dongsaeng, so you should walk beside me. C’mere.”

Chanwoo was really touched that Yunhyeong regarded him as his little brother. He never got to feel that since he was an only child until now. He felt his face went red as he steps beside Yunhyeong. He was thankful that it started to get dark that Yunhyeong did not notice.

Now walking side by side, Yunhyeong asked questions about Chanwoo. He asked why did Chanwoo transfer and what was he majoring in.

“Computer Science?” Yunhyeong was surprised, not expecting Chanwoo’s major. He took a quick look on Chanwoo and nod to himself seeming to have reached some sort of silent agreement. “Not what I expect but you seem like the smart type so I guess…” He trailed off.

“I’m just average but I really like playing online games and I want to create my own that’s why I chose it,” Chanwoo explained. He then went on that he also wanted to be a baseball player, but he was not that good to be a professional.

Chanwoo started to open up to Yunhyeong and told him some things about him that was not supposed to come up after meeting someone for not over an hour ago. He was surprised with himself too. He was generally a quiet and reserved person especially to strangers but he never felt like that with Yunhyeong. He never knew he could become so comfortable to a person in just a short time. It almost felt like they were really brothers.

When they reached Junhoe and Chanwoo’s dorm building, Chanwoo really felt he had a good time and somehow sad that he had to say goodbye to Yunhyeong.

After Yunhyeong said his farewell, he waved at Chanwoo and started to walk away. He was just a few steps away when he stopped when he heard something from Chanwoo.

Yunhyeong looked back and saw Chanwoo waving at him with a pure and childish grin on his face that made him look like an oversized kid. Yunhyeong could not help but beamed back as he clearly remembered what Chanwoo had said.

“Thank you very much, hyung.”


	3. Different

The sun was already glaring down at Hanbin’s face when he woke up. He shifted languidly to his side, eyes half open and peeked on the clock on his bedside table. It was almost ten o’clock. It was late but it did not bother him much, after all, it was Sunday. He let out a soft groan and pull his covers to shield his face from the sunlight and tried to fall asleep again. He was too tired because of their practice from this past two weeks and he needed all the rest he could get.

After a moment, Hanbin’s eyes snapped open as he shuffled through his bed. He glanced at the clock again to make sure he saw the time correctly. Something did not quite feel right for him.

Yunhyeong should have woken him up an hour ago. They have this unspoken routine where Yunhyeong would barge into their rooms shook both Hanbin and Jinhwan (mostly Hanbin) to wake them up and force them to eat his newly tried dishes. It started as just an annoying prank since Hanbin and Jinhwan love to sleep in but as it occurred regularly and timely it became a habit. Hanbin felt strangely bothered that it did not happen today.

He went out of his room and trudged straight to the kitchen. He was greeted by a sight of Jinhwan, who looked like he just finished his weekend jog, casually devouring a sandwich.

“Where’s Yunhyeong hyung?” Hanbin asked Jinhwan without any proceedings.

Jinhwan subtlety raised a brow to Hanbin, who looked so much more irritated than usual after waking up.

“Good morning to you too.” Jinhwan started. He gingerly took a sip from his drink as he organized his thoughts. Jinhwan already knew well what this will be all about.

“Hyung!” Hanbin crossed his arms, annoyed at Jihnwan’s lack of response on his question.

Jinhwan put down his sandwich and went fishing out another one out of the microwave and put it down on the table in front of Hanbin, gesturing him to sit.

Hanbin closed his eyes and exhaled. It was a habit he always did when he was trying to calm himself. He begrudgingly sat across Jinhwan and impatiently wait for Jinhwan to talk.

“He’s at Junhoe’s,” Jinhwan answered simply.

“This early? Why?” Hanbin frowned thinking what could be the possible reason why his hyung was there on a Sunday morning.

“Honestly, I don’t know.” Jinhwan’s eyes almost vanished as he laughed sheepishly.

Hanbin just stared at him tiredly. “Hyung, I’m not in the mood.”

Jinhwan rolled his eyes and sighed. Annoying Hanbin was not as fun as annoying Yunhyeong.

He regarded Hanbin for a moment, thinking about how to handle his friend’s demands. It was more of Yunhyeong’s expertise. He was telling the truth though, he really had no idea why Yunhyeong went over there. Yunhyeong was rushing over this morning after making sandwiches. He just gave Jinhwan a hasty greeting telling him he’ll be at Junhoe’s. Jinhwan did not bother to ask since it seemed it wasn’t anything serious and Yunhyeong looked so excited, something he hadn’t seen for a long time.

“I really don’t know, Hanbin-a.” Jinhwan watched as the disbelief on Hanbin’s face turned to frustration. He was unsure what Hanbin really want out of this conversation. “What’s the deal anyway? Shouldn’t you be glad that he didn’t yank your ass out of your bed today? You can sleep ‘til you want.”

Hanbin blinked a few times. He opened his mouth to reply but he could not think of anything to answer that, because Jinhwan had a good and solid point. By this time, he should just wave this conversation off, get up and drag himself back to the solace of his bedroom to sleep but he knew that it will be fruitless, right that instant he was fully awake and very much alert. He sat there feeling weirdly agitated and wondering why he felt that way.

“You should eat that sandwich first if your planning to go back to sleep. It’s good.”

Hanbin glanced at Jinhwan. His hyung lip pointed to the sandwich in front of him as he took the last bite on his own. He watched Jinhwan took a swig of his drink, collect his things and made his way to the sink. He knew at that moment that their conversation was over.

“Did Yunhyeong hyung made this?” Hanbin asked quietly, looking at the sandwich. He had no idea why he bothered asking that, they both knew the answer was obvious.

Jinhwan quirked an eyebrow to Hanbin, unsure why he sounded somewhat like he was sulking. It was so uncharacteristic of him. He eyed him curiously, thinking why he was acting that way over something trivial. Maybe that routine really grew on Hanbin somehow and he’s having an episode of childish lingering attachment, Jinhwan thought.

“Yep. I think he made quite a few more today.” Jinhwan went back to the dishes. “Probably for Junhoe and Chanwoo.” He added as an afterthought.

Chanwoo.

As soon as Hanbin heard the name, he shoots right up and went back to his room, leaving his sandwich untouched.

Jinhwan shook his head lazily with a sudden display of immaturity. Just as he thought that Hanbin went back to sleep, Hanbin shot out of his room, head to the bathroom then straight out of their apartment leaving only a loud thud on his wake.

He stared at the door for a moment, thinking about what just happened. Then, it dawned to him why he had earned that kind of reaction.

Jinhwan could not help but think about Yunhyeong’s situation before he decided that maybe, maybe this was the much-needed push in the right direction. He just hoped that Chanwoo won’t be caught in the crossfire that much.

Hanbin knocked at the door for the third time before it cracked open revealing a half-naked Junhoe.

“Do you usually answer your door like this?” Hanbin asked Junhoe gesturing to his half-nakedness.

Junhoe blinked slightly surprised when he saw an irritated but sleepy looking Hanbin on his doorstep.

“Uh, yes,” Junhoe answered nonchalantly. “What are you doing here, hyung?”

Hanbin was about to answer but a familiar voice came from inside the apartment calling out for Junhoe. Junhoe glanced back to Hanbin who stared back at him with a knowing look, now knowing what exactly why he was here.

Junhoe fully opened the door to let Hanbin in. “He’s at the kitchen.” He told Hanbin.

Hanbin stepped inside and walked past Junhoe.

“And I thought I was the rude one,” Junhoe muttered as he closes the door and followed Hanbin’s suit.

When Hanbin reached the kitchen, his eyes immediately zeroed into Yunhyeong who has his back turned to him. From the sound of it, he was kneading some dough in the kitchen counter.

“Junhoe-ya, you should put the kelp and anchovies now,” Yunhyeong instructed when he noticed someone’s presence in the kitchen. “Who’s at the door any--” Yunhyeong craned his neck back and was surprised to see Hanbin standing there at the kitchen. “Hanbin? You’re the one knock--”, He paused, fully turning to face Hanbin. “I mean, what are you doing here?”

“Jinhwan hyung told me you are here,” Hanbin said, leaving the important point hanging. His eyes darted again around before settling back to a still expectant Yunhyeong. But that was all that Hanbin wanted to be in that question. “Kelp and anchovies.” He told Yunhyeong instead, to distract him back to his cooking.

The trick worked. Yunhyeong called out for Junhoe again. The said person slipped back in with groan to which was answered by an earful of instructions coupled with scolding for his state of undress for far many times now since they started this morning.

With the two suddenly busy with their business, Hanbin silently moved towards a chair in the dining table and surveyed again the room, not because it was his first time inside Junhoe’s apartment. He’s been here for a couple of times since Junhoe lived alone before so they always did their small gathering at his place. It more like he was searching for something or more accurately for someone: Junhoe’s roommate, Chanwoo.

The two of them has been introduced to each other last week by none other than Yunhyeong. Hanbin remembered the proud look on Yunhyeong’s face he said that he was his long lost little brother since they look very much alike. The declaration did not quite sit well with Hanbin although he could not deny their similarity, it did not mean that he had to agree.

From that point, it seemed to him that somehow he did not like Chanwoo. Hanbin knew he was being unfair to the guy. Chanwoo did not do anything to him or to any of his friends for him to dislike him at first meeting. In fact, he was well received by their small group. He was reserved and a little bit shy type guy but Hanbin could not help but be suspicious of him especially he’s been hanging around Yunhyeong a lot which fueled more baseless distrust to the poor guy.

“Do I really have to make my own noodles for this?” Junhoe scowled at Yunhyeong. “Can’t I just bring the instant one? It’s easier and will taste better too.”

Junhoe’s whining brought back Hanbin’s attention to the two across the kitchen.

“Making your own noodles will get you an extra point,” Yunhyeong said sagely. “Look, you just need to cut like this.” He showed Junhoe how to do it a few times before letting him try it.

“I just need to pass, hyung. I don’t need extra points.” Junhoe retorted back but did what Yunhyeong told him anyway.

“Is this for your elective class, Junhoe?” Hanbin asked loud enough to catch the other guys’ attention.

He remembered Junhoe was forced to take a cooking class as an elective since all other classes were all full. It was Junhoe’s fault anyway since he didn’t bother too much to enroll earlier to other classes.

“Yeah. Sadly.” Junhoe glanced back at Hanbin before focusing back to his task.

“He asked me to help him make kalguksu for their practical tomorrow,” Yunhyeong explained shortly to Hanbin before checking on to Junhoe’s cutting. “Ya! Don’t cut it that thin. Make it like this one.”

Hanbin let out a sigh of relief he didn’t know he’s been holding when he learned that Yunhyeong was not here for Chanwoo. But there was still an uneasiness in his stomach for being inside Junhoe’s dorm where Chanwoo can pop out any moment.

It was when the smell of cooked kalguksu hit his nose from the bowl in front of him that Hanbin finally felt his hunger. His stomach growled in appreciation with the smell and the look of the dish. Hanbin mind short-circuited for that moment as he started to eat with much gusto completely forgetting all the irrational thoughts that brought him there in the first place for a while.

Yunhyeong and Junhoe were left staring on how Hanbin devoured the kalguksu.

“‘Guess, I’m getting an ‘A’ tomorrow,” Junhoe smirked at Yunhyeong who can’t help but smile.

“Is it that good?” Yunhyeong looked curiously at Hanbin.

“Mm-mph,” Hanbin mumbled an agreement over a mouthful. “Yes, and I was hungry. I haven't had breakfast.” Hanbin said after slurping down the noodles.

“Really? I left a sandwich for you.” Yunhyeong told Hanbin. “Jinhwan hyung didn’t tell you?”

Hanbin shook his head. “I forgot to eat it.”

Yunhyeong wanted to ask why but it seemed like Hanbin didn’t want to talk about it. He also avoided the reason why he went here at Junhoe’s a while ago. Yunhyeong decided not to push it and ask again later thinking he did not want to talk in front of Junhoe.

“Too bad hyung, it’s tasty,” Junhoe said. “Chanwoo said so too.”

For a brief moment, Yunhyeong saw Hanbin frowned and he suddenly knew what was this all about. Yunhyeong noticed that Hanbin disliked Chanwoo for whatever reason. He was not sure at first, but he caught far too many signs that it became apparent to him that Hanbin disfavor Chanwoo. It made him a little sad because Chanwoo didn’t deserve it.

“Where is he anyway?” Hanbin asked.

“He went back home to get some things,” Junhoe answered shortly to which Hanbin just nodded absently.

“You should cook for him too when he gets back, Junhoe-ya,” Yunhyeong suggested. “Then I could say you’re all set for tomorrow.”

Junhoe groaned. Yunhyeong laughed.

It was past two in the afternoon when Yunhyeong and Hanbin left Junhoe’s dorm. Luckily enough, the weather was cloudy today.

They were walking in silence for a while now and Yunhyeong decided to address what he has been thinking about Hanbin.

“Why did you follow me at Junhoe’s?” Yunhyeong began.

“Oh, that?” Hanbin put his hands on his pockets without looking at Yunhyeong. “Nothing, just curious what you’ve been up to.”

“Hanbin-a.”

“Hmm?”

Yunhyeong sighed. Hanbin’s really not good at expressing or talking about his feelings. He’s worse than Junhoe.

“I know you don’t like Chanwoo.” Yunhyeong went straight to the point.

Hanbin remained silent. The only thing that showed that Hanbin heard what Yunhyeong said was the small falter on his step.

“Ya.” Yunhyeong put a hand on Hanbin’s shoulder so he could face him.

“I’m thinking,” Hanbin said quietly looking straight at Yunhyeong.

“Thinking of what?” Yunhyeong raised an eyebrow.

“The reason why I don’t like him.”

Hanbin sighed and averted his gaze to the road. It was unusually quiet for a Sunday afternoon.

Yunhyeong guessed that Hanbin was bothered too by his unreasonable first impression trope he’d been putting out. That’s something he really liked about his best friend he was quick to notice when he was being unfair or wrong. Yunhyeong really wanted Hanbin to get along with Chanwoo because he was really fond of that kid.

“Hyung.” Hanbin began still looking at the road. “I think I’m a little jealous.”

Yunhyeong froze, eyes visibly widening, not entirely anticipating Hanbin’s reason. His mind went blank for a moment before he holds himself back into reality.

“What?” Yunhyeong managed to squeak out. There was a rush of unfamiliar feeling spreading in him. The feeling he always kept at bay.

“It’s just that--, Uh, I mean it seems that you really like Chanwoo.” Hanbin fidgeted and kicked some imaginary dust in the pavement. “I feel like you really look to him like he’s your little brother…” He trailed off for a moment. “You used to look at me like that, you know. I’m just afraid that he might replace me.”

Yunhyeong laughed. But this laughed was more directed to himself than Hanbin. He was such a fool. He almost believed that Hanbin was jealous for that reason. The warm feeling he felt was now replaced by hollowness inside. He berated himself for getting hopeful because he just felt his heart cracked open. It was not even a blatant rejection.

Yunhyeong felt wetness on his eyes, not tears of joy but of pain he always suppressed.

“It’s not funny hyung.” Hanbin scowled at Yunhyeong’s laughing form.

Yes, it was really not funny.

Yunhyeong held a hand up signaling Hanbin to wait. He forced himself to cough out all of his laughter and wiped off the tears that slipped out of his control. He reminded himself that he was with Hanbin and not in the best place to be wallowing on his foolishness and stupidity. He took a deep breath and once again put a mask of denial.

“Sorry, it was just surprising,” Yunyheong smirked. “Never pegged you to be the type.”

“Still not funny.” Hanbin crossed his arms and turned his back at Yunhyeong suddenly feeling shy.

They fell silent for a moment.

In that brief momentary silence, Yunhyeong looked up at the sky and closed his eyes. He took a deep breathe in and let out a heavy sigh. It calmed his nerves for a bit and willed himself to hold on to it. He needed to focus on the real matter at hand and stop being selfish. This was not about him and his feelings in the first place.

He glanced back at Hanbin and draped his arms on his friend’s shoulder.

“Stop sulking. It doesn’t suit you.” Yunhyeong nudged Hanbin on his side.

Hanbin only grunted in response still not looking at his hyung.

“I don’t know what made you think that way,” Yunhyeong said softly, “but it was never going to happen, okay?”

This time, Hanbin finally lifted his head up to meet Yunhyeong’s gaze. There was still a hint of disbelief on his face. Yunhyeong’s eyes soften at Hanbin’s expression and gave him an assuring smile. Hanbin rarely showed this side to anyone so it was one of the moments that Yunhyeong treasured the most, having his best friend trust him enough to show his vulnerable side.

“It’s different.” Yunhyeong continued. “I mean, my friendship with you and Chanwoo.” He chuckled when he saw Hanbin frowned again when he mentioned Chanwoo but he went on. “I’m fond of him because he’s a cool kid and I kinda’ see my little sister on him. You have a little sister too, so I know that you know what I feel. ”

They both stared into each other's eyes for a second before Hanbin finally half-smiled at his hyung and nodded.

“Whatever you’re thinking, forget it alright?”

“Okay.”

“And be nice to Chanwoo.”

“Don’t get your hopes up.”

“Ya!”

They both laughed as they picked their way up again to their apartment with Yunhyeong leaving pieces of him on the ground without Hanbin knowing.


	4. Ice cream

“Hyung,” Chanwoo whispered.

Yunhyeong ignored him.

“Hyung.”

“Hyung, I have something to give you.”

With an aggravating sigh, Yunhyeong finally perked up from the book he has been reading with a glare. He was studying for his last two exams of midterm tomorrow at the library for almost over an hour until Chanwoo flopped in across him and decided to pester him like a child deprived of attention.

Yunhyeong was actually surprised to discover that his dongsaeng has this kind of side in him. He was pleased that Chanwoo was finally comfortable enough to come out of his shell, at least to him. At first, Yunhyeong found this endearing until such time that it became Chanwoo’s habit and lived up to being his little brother, the annoying and importunate one.

“What?”

“Nothing.”

Yunhyeong wanted to wipe off the smug look on Chanwoo’s face with a book.

“Just go if you’re just gonna be like that.” He said bitingly. He gave Chanwoo a stare down in an attempt to get his point across before burying his nose back to reading.

It was not even that long when Chanwoo piped up again.

“But I really have something give you, hyung.” He whispered innocently.

“Then give it to me!” Yunhyeong snapped loudly.

There were a few seconds of heavy breathing before it dawned to Yunhyeong what he just did. His eyes swept around, meeting various forms of stares among the students and a not so enthused glare from the librarian. He quickly gathered his stuff while bowing and muttering apologies as he scampered out of the room, flustered.

Yunhyeong only released the breath caught in his throat when he felt he was in a safe distance away from the building. He heard Chanwoo calling him from behind but he ignored him. He was the one to blame for this embarrassment.

“Hyung!” Chanwoo called out to him again. He jogged and stopped in front of Yunhyeong, blocking his way.

Yunhyeong puffed an airy breath and crossed his arms but said nothing.

“That was pretty hilarious, hyung.” Chanwoo chuckled.

“Well, I’m glad you find it funny.” Yunhyeong threw out a stern gaze before sidestepping away from Chanwoo. “Now leave me alone.”

Yunhyeong felt a hand on his shoulder making him halt.

“Hyung, are you mad?” He heard Chanwoo asked, now in a concerned voice.

Yunhyeong sighed but did not answer. They were quiet for a while.

Chanwoo removed his hand on Yunhyeong’s shoulder and shuffled to his feet. “I’m sorry, Yunhyeong-hyung.”

Yunhyeong slowly whirled back. His eyes immediately softened, seeing Chanwoo timidly looking down at his feet like a kid being scolded by his parents. He was not really angry at Chanwoo, he just acting out to get back at him on his pestering.

“You look funny.” Yunhyeong smiled when Chanwoo looked at him tentatively. “I’m not mad, okay? I’m just messing with you.” He reached out to Chanwoo’s hair ruffling it. “You’re such a brat.”

Chanwoo let out a sigh of relief and grinned back.

Yunhyeong snaked his arm around Chanwoo’s shoulder and ask him to treat him somewhere he could study and eat as payback for getting him kicked out of the library to which the younger nodded vigorously.

“Hyung, I really meant to give you something,” Chanwoo said after a while.

They were almost out of the campus now.

“Chanwoo-ya, are we on this again?” Yunhyeong rolled his eyes.

“No, wait-” Chanwoo shook his head. “Let me just uh..” he shuffled through his bag, “-oh, here it is.” He handed Yunhyeong a flyer and a couple of papers.

Yunhyeong raised an eyebrow curiously at Chanwoo before averting his gaze to the papers. “Free cooking workshop?” He read aloud, his eyes traveling on the flyers then back to Chanwoo.

Chanwoo scratched the back of his head. “I got it when I went back to visit my parents.” He began sounding a little shy not looking at Yunhyeong. “Uhm, you said that you really like cooking so, er, and I think you really have the knack for it, so-”

Yunhyeong regarded him questioningly when he paused. There was a flash of panic on Chanwoo’s face.

“I mean, uh, you’re already a good cook. All the food you gave to me was really delicious but-.” Chanwoo continued to ramble on, “-I still think this a good opportunity for you. Uhm, the location was a bit far from here but it's free and-”

“Chanwoo-ya,” Yunhyeong decided let Chanwoo off the hook now. It took him a lot of effort to fight the urge to hug the younger boy after hearing all the things that he said. Instead, he beamed so wide that his cheeks hurt. “Thank you.”

Chanwoo blinked and nodded not knowing what to say. He meant to brush it off like it was nothing, but he was not entirely sure if it was the fiery hues of the setting sun that made Yunhyeong’s face burned like a desert sky when he thanked him, and all the words he was thinking lost their way out in his throat.

He had been procrastinating on giving those flyers and application form to Yunhyeong. He had no idea how to casually bring it up. Every attempt he made all end up with him covering it up by teasing the older guy. He was really pleased that despite stumbling with his words he finally managed to do it.

They fell in a comfortable silence amidst the noise of the students around them.

As soon as they put a step outside the campus gate, Chanwoo heard a voice behind that made both of them look back.

Chanwoo saw Hanbin making his way up to them.

Hanbin stopped in front of Yunhyeong slightly flushed and out of breath. He acknowledged Chanwoo with a nod at his direction before averting his attention back to Yunhyeong.

“Hyung,” Hanbin said pausing for a breath. “I need your help.”

Yunhyeong eyed him with interest. “On what?”

“The freshmen representative asked me to help them on their music for the coming festival,” Hanbin explained.

Chanwoo noticed that Yunhyeong tilted his head urging Hanbin to continue.

Hanbin continued slowly, “I’m meeting them tomorrow.”

“And..”

Hanbin scratched his cheek with a finger. “I want you to come with me.”

The answer caught Chanwoo’s attention, not sure if this was the same Hanbin, captain of the basketball team, he saw in the gym during one of their practice. But even seeing him shyly scratching an imaginary itch on his cheek, Chanwoo could still feel himself fairly intimidated. 

Ever since they were first introduced, Chanwoo always felt obligated to be cautious around Hanbin. It also did not help the fact, besides his commanding aura, that Hanbin seemed displeased with Chanwoo joining their circle if all the glares and snort he received from Hanbin were to go by. Although, it became less intense at some point. Chanwoo was sure that he had Yunhyeong to thank for, for that.

Yunhyeong’s chuckling draws Chanwoo’s focus back in.

“I know I’m awesome but I don’t see the need for my presence there. Music’s much you’re forte, isn’t it?”

Chanwoo was much more surprised to see Hanbin fidgeting. He swore that he could see a blush tinging Hanbin’s cheeks.

“I’m meeting with their committee tomorrow,” Hanbin finally said, “and Dahyun’s one of them.”

The chuckling stopped.

In a split second, Chanwoo saw Yunhyeong went still.

“I -” Yunhyeong looked like he was biting back something. “I-I’m not sure,” with a strained smile, he continued, “Why not Jinhwan hyung? He’d be much a better help than me.”

Dahyun.

Chanwoo already heard that name before from Junhoe. He berated himself for not remembering it now.

Hanbin made a sound of disapproval. “You know what he’s like. He’ll probably put me in a lot of compromising situation there special in front of Dahyun,” he paused and eyed the ground for a moment. With a subdued voice, he went on, “I don’t want to look stupid you know.”

Yunhyeong looked conflicted.

“But I..still have tests tomorrow.” He offered lamely.

“The meeting’s not until five.” Hanbin reached on Yunhyeong’s shoulder and look straight at him, “Please hyung.

From the torn look on Yunhyeong's face, Chanwoo knew on the back of his mind that something was holding his hyung back. A sudden urged rose in him to butt in and help Yunhyeong out of the situation.

Before Chanwoo could say anything, Yunhyeong sighed and finally concede, “Fine.” 

“You’re the best hyung.” Hanbin grinned.

Satisfied with the outcome, Hanbin then told them that he was supposed to meet their coach and he had to go. With a hasty goodbye, he shoots off with a renewed vigor and palpable excitement on his every step.

Once Hanbin vanished among the crowd of students, Chanwoo’s eyes flickered back to Yunhyeong.

He was left frozen on his spot, his gaze still lingering at the direction at which Hanbin had just taken off. His eyes were now overshadowed by something he could not decipher. The brightness he exudes a while ago was now gone as if snuffed out of him.

Something was wrong, Chanwoo was certain. He may not be the smartest person with the matter of emotion but he definitely knew that there was. He had been noticing this for a while now, especially whenever Hanbin was around.

They're best friends, right?

What could it possibly be?

“Hyung.”

Yunhyeong flinched on the sound of his voice but still turned to him. No sooner than their gaze locked, Yunhyeong’s eyes widen as if remembering that Chanwoo was there all along. His face blanched with the realization. He opened his mouth, attempting to say something but no words came out.

Chanwoo felt a wrenching ache at the sight, fully understanding what was going on in Yunhyeong’s head.

Chanwoo wanted to know why.

He wanted to know. But his desire to understand was nothing compared to what was needed right now. Much more, he never wanted to put more weight on the baggage that his hyung was trying hard to carry on his own.

So with the warmest smile that he could muster, he said, “Let’s go for ice cream.”

It took a whole few seconds before Yunhyeong could react, not expecting what had been said.

Chanwoo was not sure if it was the glitter of early twilight stars that reflected on Yunhyeong’s eyes or was it something else that made it looked beady. He heard him sigh and his lips finally twitched up with a faint smile. It was not as bright as it was before but for now, Chanwoo could not be bothered.

For now, it was enough.


	5. One Day

Hanbin was confused.

It almost felt like that he could not get a hold of Yunhyeong today. His hyung was nowhere to be seen. He was already gone when he woke up this morning and when he went to his class, his classmate said that he finished his exams early and left. Now, even during lunch, he was not present in their usual table.

And even Chanwoo was here.

“Have you seen Yunhyeong-hyung?” He asked.

“For the fifth time, hyung.” Donghyuk groaned. “No.”

“I was asking him.” Hanbin pointed at Chanwoo.

Multiple heads perked up around the table. If Hanbin was not frustrated, he would have snorted. Sure, it was his first time directly engaging (at his own volition) with a conversation to Chanwoo but it was not a big deal to fuss over with.

Chanwoo looked at him with wide eyes and swallowed. It almost felt like that he was about to answer him but suddenly decided against it and just shook his head.

Hanbin made a sound of disappointment, arms crossed. His mind raced with thoughts of taking a quick round on the campus just to find his hyung. He needed to make sure that Yunhyeong would not bail out on their meeting this afternoon.

He needed him there.

“Ya, stop being childish,” Jinhwan said. “What do you need him for anyway?”

“He’s just excited he’s meeting Dahyun later.” Bobby piped in offhandedly over a mouthful of fries.

“Oh, yeah. Hanbin-hyung will be helping the freshmen for their music for the festival at the end of the month.” Donghyuk elaborated to Jinhwan. “Dahyun’s one of the committees.”

“Dahyun? Kim Dahyun?” Jinhwan glanced back and forth between Bobby and Donghyuk. “Isn’t she, his--”

“Hanbin hyung’s little ole’ crush.” Junhoe finished monotonously for Jinhwan.

A sudden feeling of rush and shyness spread over Hanbin when he heard Dahyun’s name from his friend, restlessness forgotten for a while. He felt himself smiling unconsciously. He was really looking forward to their first actual meeting later.

Jinhwan frowned. “I still don’t see the connection of all this to Yunhyeong.”

“I asked Yunhyeong hyung to come with me,” Hanbin answered.

“You asked him what?”

Chanwoo’s attention immediately snapped at Jinhwan. He was not sure if it was just a fragment of his imagination or he really heard an edge on Jinhwan’s voice after hearing Hanbin’s explanation.

There was a seriousness on Jinhwan’s face that Chanwoo witnessed for the first time. His usual smiling eyes were now peering sharply across the table to Hanbin. A wave of chill washed over him not used with the change of demeanor since he was always calm and laid back since they met.

“I asked him to come with me in the meeting.” Hanbin furrowed his brows. “Is there a problem hyung?”

For a moment, Jinhwan only stared at Hanbin as if he was debating on something. Chanwoo noticed that all of them was waiting for the reply with subtle anticipation.

With a muted sigh, Jinhwan broke off the eye contact.

“Nothing.” He said. “Just surprised.”

Donghyuk snickered. “Surprised that hyung’s finally making a progress?”

Hanbin let out a sound of protest.

Junhoe smirked while Bobby chuckled.

Chanwoo felt the tension dissipating with the remark. He glanced at Jinhwan expecting that he’d be schooling his default cool expression, but Chanwoo only saw a tight smile.

Then, like all those cliché light bulb moments, it all clicked to him.

Chanwoo finally figured it out.

Dahyun.

Is that why Yunhyeong hyung not around?

Is that why Jinhwan hyung…

Jinhwan hyung knew.

Hanbin hyung and Yunhyeong hyung.

They both like Dahyun. They both like the same girl.

His mind buzzed with all the thoughts about the realization, trying to find the connections with all the things that he noticed; the actions, the excuses, the reluctance.

Somehow, it all made sense.

Chanwoo’s eyes flickered between Hanbin and Jinhwan, wondering why did he still have this nagging feeling that he was missing out something.

***

It was almost time for the meeting when Hanbin finally saw Yunhyeong. He literally has to scout around the campus just to find his hyung.

He found him in a usually crowded old hallway of a building at the far end of the campus. That time, however, since it was the last day of the midterm, and most of the students finished their exams early, it was only the two of them there.

“Hyung!” Hanbin called as he jogged towards Yunhyeong.

Yunhyeong did not turn and just kept walking as if he did not hear Hanbin.

“Yunhyeong hyung!” Hanbin reached over his hyung’s shoulder as he neared him.

This time, Yunhyeong stopped slowly turned to him but did not say anything.

“Where have you been hyung?” Hanbin complained. “I was looking for you all day.”

The scowl on Hanbin’s face transformed into a look of confusion upon meeting the serious gaze of his hyung.

Hanbin peered concernedly, putting his free hand to Yunhyeong’s other shoulder. “Is something wrong?”

Yunhyeong remained quiet. Hanbin’s worry grew every passing second. He sends Yunhyeong a slight squeeze on his shoulders and looks at him straight in the eyes to urge him to say something.

They stayed like that for a while.

Then after a moment of tensed silence, Yunhyeong burst out laughing.

Knitting his eyebrows, Hanbin’s expression went from concerned to a look of utter bewilderment. He was not exactly sure what was going on.

“You should’ve seen your face.” Yunhyeong pointed at him, while his other arm clutched his stomach.

Hanbin crossed his arms and scowled. “Not funny.”

“So- sorry!” Yunhyeong said in between his laughs. “It was just--” He looked at Hanbin and lost it again.

An imaginary vein pulsed on this forehead as Hanbin watched his hyung’s body shook in happiness.

“What was that about?” Hanbin glared at Yunhyeong as soon as his laughter died down.

“Just messing with you.”

Hanbin snorted, eyes still piercing.

With a grin, Yunhyeong put his hands up in mock surrender. “I’m just testing my acting skills on you.”

Hanbin listened as his hyung explained that he had just finished his practical exam in acting and wanted to gauge how well did he do by trying it out with him. He frowned, clearly not a fan of being pranked like that. It was more of Hanbin’s thing to be the one making fun of his hyung.

Glancing at his wristwatch, Yunhyeong said, “So.. shall we meet your princess?”

A sudden blush crept on Hanbin’s cheeks, remembering why he was searching for his hyung in the first place.

“You didn’t forget?”

“Of course not.” Yunhyeong paused then smiled. “How could I forget?”

There was something with the way Yunhyeong smiled as he slowly turned away that made Hanbin rooted on his spot. He watched his hyung walk away with heavy footsteps that echoed hollowly in the deserted corridor.

A few steps away, Yunhyeong glanced back at him.

Hanbin blinked then jogged towards his hyung with his eyes not leaving Yunhyeong’s. But whatever he saw in his eyes before, was not there anymore.

***

Jinhwan peeked at the clock for so many times by now that he lost count. His uneasiness building up each second he heard the ticking sound. He sighed and tried to focus his attention back to the program on the television, it was on for almost half an hour but still had no idea what the show was all about. His mind never wandered far from the thoughts of his two best friends.

After a few more back and forth squinting to the clock, tv, and door, he finally heard the lock clicked open.

He immediately shuffled on his sit and tried to be casually lazing around the living room after the week-long exam.

“Good evening hyung.” Hanbin greeted him cheerfully as he walked in. He wiggled out of his bag and collapsed at the opposite end of the sofa.

Jinhwan regarded him nonchalantly with a nod. “You look happy.” He noted smoothly. “The meeting had gone well then?”

Hanbin looked straight at the tv with a mysterious smile. “Perhaps.”

Peering surreptitiously at the corner of his eyes, Jinhwan finally asked, “So, where’s Yunhyeong? Why is he not with you?”

“Yunhyeong hyung? He said he had to go to Junhoe’s.” Hanbin furrowed his brows as if contemplating something. “He didn’t tell me why though.”

Jinhwan knew why.

The uneasiness he felt a moment ago was gone. Now, he felt worried.

They went quiet after that, with only the animated sound coming from the television filling up their silence.

Jinhwan slipped through his sit and get up with a groan after he had deemed that silence was long enough. His sudden movement caught Hanbin’s attention and give him an exploring look.

“I’m going to the convenience store.” He announced. “You want me to get you something?”

Hanbin thought for it for a second before but shook his head.

He gave Hanbin one final look before going out of the door. He still has this foolish smile on his lips. Jinhwan suddenly felt guilty for not being fully happy for his dongsaeng. Whispering a silent apology, he went out of the apartment to find Yunhyeong.

Jinhwan knew that Yunhyeong was not really at Junhoe’s. He just made it as an excuse to get Hanbin to leave him alone since one of the implications of going there, would be seeing Chanwoo. But Jinhwan still wanted to make sure. So as soon as he was out their building, he called Junhoe to check. And just as he had predicted, Yunhyeong wasn’t there.

He stood for there for a moment after ending the call, knowing exactly where to find Yunhyeong at times like this. He was just not sure what to tell Yunhyeong once he reached him.

Jinhwan had been thinking hard for most of the day on how to help his friend out this predicament. But all of his thoughts always point to just one thing, and he was not sure if it was for the best. Because when that happened, someone was bound to get broken.

***

When Jinhwan saw Yunhyeong, he was sitting in a bench, staring up at the night sky with a solemn face. With a few careful steps, he approached him enough to let his presence known.

“I thought I find you here.” He said quietly.

Yunhyeong closed his eyes with a slow intake of air, still facing up.

A soft humorless laugh escape his lips and said, “Where else could I be?”

They were in an obscured part of the park in their neighborhood. It was a small pathway that, Jinhwan think, was forgotten to be maintained letting the shrubs grew and isolate it from the rest of the park. He was actually the one who told Yunyheong about the area. He discovered it during one of his early morning jogs. He let Yunhyeong know so he could have a place for his practice acting and monologues and to restore the peace in their apartment.

Jinhwan took a sit at the other side of the bench with a heavy sigh. “You should tell him.”

Yunhyeong remained silent for a few moments.

“What for? We all know how will it turn out.”

“You can never tell—”

“Really, hyung?” Yunhyeong cut him off. He was now looking at Jinhwan with incredulity. “You saw him just now, isn’t it? Did you see the smile on his face?”

Jinhwan lowered his gaze to the ground before picking it up to meet Yunhyeong’s eyes. “Then move on,” He said with a firm voice. “Tell him and move on.”

For a split second, Yunhyeong’s eyes widen before looking away. “You know why I can’t tell him,” he murmured, “I don’t want anything to change.”

“Everything had already changed the moment you felt that way.” Jinhwan countered.

Yunhyeong clenched his fist so hard that it turned ghostly white and turned to Jinhwan. With a slightly raised voice, he insisted, “Still, I can move on without telling him.”

He never wanted to do this to Yunhyeong. It was not his intention to add more salt to an already painful wound. But it was also hard for Jinhwan to see Yunhyeong like this.

That’s why he made up his mind.

“No.” Jinhwan intoned solidly, locking gaze with Yunhyeong.

Even after making up his resolved, Jinhwan still felt cold when he saw a flash of shock and hurt washed over Yunhyeong’s face.

I’m sorry Yunhyeong.

“It’s not that you cannot tell him,” Jinhwan began, “Yunhyeong-a, I think that deep inside.. deep inside you’re still hoping that— ”

Yunhyeong’s face turned pale.

“—That one day, he will love you back.”

Jinhwan felt his heart constricted as he watched Yunhyeong cried.


	6. Kite

There was a burst of light so white that it blinded Yunhyeong. He closed his eyes tightly and when he dared to open it again, he was in the past.

He saw his younger self back to the time before it all started.

He was sobbing under the tree, with his chin on his grubby knees. He just lost his kite at that time, the one that his sister gave to him on his birthday. It all happened so fast, one minute he was soaring with his kite in happiness, but a sudden gust of wind snapped the strings and took it away, leaving him alone as his tears shrouded his vision.

The sound of his crying was interrupted by a shout at a distance. A small figure came running towards him. Yunhyeong saw his younger self look up wiping his tears with the back of his hand. He felt his heart skipped a beat as he watched a smile blossomed on his younger self’s dirty face. Turning, he saw a disheveled looking Hanbin beaming at him holding the kite he thought was already gone.

Suddenly, the warmth of the image faded in the haziness of morning light as Yunhyeong’s eyes flutter back to reality.

He got up, his still heavy eyes scanned his room until it met a pair of stern eyes watching him.

Hanbin did not look happy.

“What time did you get back?”

Yunhyeong blinked at him. “Uh, what?”

Hanbin closed his eyes for a second and exhaled. “I said, what time did you get back?”

Yunhyeong paused in the middle of yawning when he heard the hard tone on Hanbin’s voice. It only took a snap of a finger and the fond recollection of his dream was replaced by the vivid image of last night. The deluge of memory came rushing in, that made Yunhyeong suddenly wanted to curl up and sleep again.

“Hyung!”

Flinching back to life, Yunhyeong looked at Hanbin confusedly and rubbed his eyes. “Around one I guess, ” he shrugged. “Why are you in my room—,” he glanced at his clock, “—eight in the morning?”

If Hanbin heard Yunhyeong, he chose to ignore him. Instead, his eyes narrowed even more. “What did you do at Junhoe’s to stay that late?”

“Oh, we played video games,” Yunhyeong answered casually. He stood up and stretched a bit, disregarding the still suspicious stare of his dongsaeng. “What’s with the interrogation?”

Silence was the only response that Yunhyeong received. He gave Hanbin one last look before dismissing it off and went to fix his bed.

“I waited for you last night.”

I know.

Yunhyeong lied. He went home with Jinhwan last night. His hyung, knowing exactly that he did not want Hanbin to see him looking like a mess, was kind enough to act as a distraction to give him the opportunity to slip back in to the safety of his room.

Swallowing up the familiar tightness starting to emerge again after remembering the events the night before, he glanced amusedly at Hanbin, “Why?”

“I was worried.” Hanbin pouted, averting his gaze. “You weren’t answering your phone.”

Yunhyeong laughed. “You sound like my mother,” he gave his blanket one final fold before placing it back neatly atop of his bed, “Nothing happened, see? I’m safe. You have nothing to worry about.”

Lifting his head up, Hanbin stared at him with an unreadable expression on his face.

Yunhyeong suddenly felt conscious under the scrutiny. “What?”

The silence stretched longer than Yunhyeong preferred until finally, a growling stomach broke it off.

Yunhyeong was the first to laugh. It took a few seconds before Hanbin joined him with an embarrassed smile.

“Let’s stop with the questions, ok?” Yunhyeong approached Hanbin with a pat on the head. “C’mon, let’s have breakfast. I’ll make something quick,” he said, tugging on Hanbin’s arm.

Despite the groan from the other party, Yunhyeong dragged Hanbin out of his room to the kitchen.

They made some small talks as Yunhyeong began preparing a simple meal. Few moments passed by and they both went silent. But it was comfortable this time, something that had not transpired between him and Hanbin for a while. In short fleeting seconds, it reminded Yunhyeong of how the things were like before but were immediately reminded how it was so different now.

_ Everything had already changed the moment you felt that way. _

_ You were right hyung. _

Everything that Jinhwan said has been burned in Yunhyeong’s mind. Even with that, however, he could not still decide. He threw a quick glance at Hanbin, who was trying hard not to fall asleep on the kitchen island, before shutting his thoughts and willed himself to concentrate on making breakfast.

It did not take too long when Yunhyeong was done and the two of them busied themselves with the food.

“Hyung,” Hanbin called out to Yunhyeong as he finished his sandwich.

Without looking at Hanbin, Yunhyeong mumbled a soft, “Hmm?”

“The freshmen rep sent me a message. They wanted to meet up again on Wednesday to finalize the music for the festival.”

Even before Hanbin could finish the sentence, Yunhyeong already knew what this will be all about, again.

It was like a déjá vu.

But this time, Yunhyeong wanted things to end differently as he clearly remembered one of the things Jinhwan had told him the night before.

He glanced up and gave Hanbin an apologetic smile. “I’m sorry Hanbin-a, I can’t come with you this time.”

Hanbin was about to argue but Yunhyeong abruptly stood up.

“Can you do the dishes?” He asked as he put his things to the sink. “I have some errands to do.”

When Yunhyeong saw Hanbin’s confused expression, he approached him with a feeble smile.

“Thanks,” he said. He gave Hanbin one final squeeze on the shoulder and walked out of the kitchen before Hanbin could say anything else.

_ I don’t want to see you like this again. So, whatever your decision, please, please do not put yourself again in a situation that you know will just hurt you. _

_ I won’t, hyung. _

***

By the time Wednesday came, Hanbin was finally certain that Yunhyeong was hiding something from him.

He started to keep a close eye to his hyung after his outright refusal when he was about to ask if Yunhyeong could come with him to the meeting with the freshmen again. An odd feeling struck him at that moment, with how his hyung smiled at him and lightly squeezed his shoulder then walk away.

When he tried to open up the topic again, at that point Hanbin was still insistent on making his hyung to agree, Yunhyeong told him that he had some important thing to do on that day.

_ “I already told you no,” Yunhyeong gave him an exasperated look. _

_ Hanbin was unfazed. “Then tell me why?” _

_ “I --,” Yunhyeong averted his gaze, “--I have some important things to do that day, okay?” _

_ “What important things?” _

_ Yunhyeong sighed in frustration. “Why does it matter?” He said before storming away from Hanbin _ .

With his suspicions building up, he barged into his hyung’s room one night and ask him about the time of his appointment he said he has. It took him a good amount of pestering before he got the answer out of Yunhyeong.

_ “Its five in the afternoon, ok!?” Yunhyeong glared at Hanbin so hard. “Can you stop annoying me now.” _

_ Hanbin smirked. “You can still come with me then, we can have the meeting before five.” _

_ Yunhyeong exhaled loudly, not amused. “Why do you need me there?” _

_ Hanbin blinked in rapid succession, realizing he had nothing to answer his hyung. _

_ With that, there was nothing Hanbin could do when Yunhyeong turned off his bedside lamp and pulled his cover over him. _

All those little scenarios kept bothering Hanbin and whatever it is that his hyung was hiding, he wanted to know. This was not about wanting Yunhyeong to come with him to the meeting anymore. This became a different thing entirely.

So, when he saw Yunhyeong sitting alone on a bench at the far side of the field that Wednesday afternoon, Hanbin made up his mind.

“Hyung.”

Yunhyeong perked up, beaming.

But upon realizing that it was Hanbin, his smile vanished.

***

“Chanwoo-ya.”

Chanwoo felt a familiar arm suddenly draped over his shoulders as he walks out of his first class during Wednesday.

He glanced at his side and greeted Yunhyeong with a smile.

“What time does your last class end today?”

Chanwoo heard his hyung ask him as they were exiting the building.

“Around three.”

“Great!” Yunhyeong abruptly stopped and face him. “Want to go somewhere?”

Chanwoo was taken off guard with the unexpected offer. “Ok, hyung,” he answered after he recovered himself, “But where are we going?”

“Let’s go to a PC room!” Yunhyeong grinned at him excitedly.

Chanwoo raised a brow in curiosity. “You said you don’t play online games.”

“Well,” Yunhyeong scratched the side of his head, “I don’t know how to play that’s why you’re coming with me,” he said with a knowing smile, “You can teach me.”

“Finally realizing you’re in the 21st century, hyung?” Chanwoo smirked.

“Ya!”

They both laughed.

Yunhyeong glanced at his wristwatch as their laughter died down. “I need to get to my class,” he looked at Chanwoo inquisitively, “See you around three?”

Chanwoo replied with a nod.

“I’ll wait over there ok?” Yunhyeong pointed at the far end of the field.

When Chanwoo nodded again, Yunhyeong ruffled his hair.

“Great. It’s a date.”

Then he was gone.

It took a full minute before Chanwoo realized that he was staring at the fading outline of his hyung at a distance with a big smile on his face, flustered. Shaking his head, he willed himself to go to his next class.

Chanwoo tried to contain his excitement as he walks but anyone could tell that he was failing miserably.

***

“Hanbin? What are you doing here?”

Ignoring the question, Hanbin stared at Yunhyeong. “You said you have something to do.”

Yunhyeong snorted. “Are we on this again?”

“You're hiding something.”

Hanbin saw a flash of panic passed Yunhyeong’s face so briefly he almost missed it, before immediately turning to an expression of confusion and anger.

“What?” Yunhyeong stood up. “What are you saying?”

Without breaking eye contact, Hanbin stepped closer to Yunhyeong. “I said, you're hiding something.”

At this distance, Hanbin can make out a faint form of desperation on Yunhyeong’s eyes. It was the same look he had when he was about to run away. But this time, Hanbin would not let him.

“If this is still about the meeting, I already told you that I have other things to do!” Yunhyeong flared up. “And I’m not hiding anything.”

Habin answered the glare from Yunhyeong with a challenging gaze.

“Really? Come with me then.”

Yunhyeong ran his fingers through his hair in frustration and with a raised voice, he said, “I told you no!”

It stunned both of them for a few seconds until Yunhyeong finally broke their stare off as his shoulder slumped. He lowered his head and closed his eyes.

“Do you really want to torture me that much?”

It was just a soft whisper, but to Hanbin, it roared like thunder, sharp and deafening that rendered him speechless. He felt his body froze as silence reigned over them.

What did he do?

When he regained the control on his body, he reached out to Yunhyeong with an instinctive step. “Hyung?”

Hanbin faltered as Yunhyeong backed away from him. His hand was left frozen in midair before it went limp to his side. Hanbin ’s heart clenched with the reaction.

“Just leave me alone for now, ok?” Yunhyeong didn’t look up and turned away from him.

Yunhyeong was already on his second step when Hanbin found his voice again. He could not let himself watch his hyung left him there hanging again. “Then you shouldn’t have said those things.”

“What do you want me to say?”

“Your problem,” Hanbin began placing a careful step towards Yunhyeong, “I know you have a problem, hyung,” another step, “This is not about the meeting anymore. You can tell me. We’re best friends, right?”

Letting out a deep breath, Yunhyeong slowly whirled to face Hanbin.

As they locked gazes, Hanbin instantly recognized the same somber expression in Yunhyeong’s face. It was the same look his hyung was wearing when he saw him on that empty corridor. But what made Hanbin’s throat hitched was the way Yunhyeong’s eyes peered at him. He looked at him like a cornered rat, resigned and exhausted. Never had he seen him this worn out.

“I feel guilty,” Yunhyeong said, “I feel guilty for not being happy for you when you finally get the chance to be close with Dahyun.”

Confusion instantly clouded Hanbin’s countenance.

Yunhyeong gave Hanbin a wry smile. “That’s the reason I don’t want to go with you.”

“I don’t understand, hyung.”

“I..,” Yunhyeong took a sharp intake of air and gazed at Hanbin with a jaded intensity that made him waver, “I have feelings for you, Hanbin.”

Time stopped for an unknown length for Hanbin. It was like he was suddenly submerged underwater. He could not think, he was not even sure what his reaction looked like.

When Hanbin felt his senses slowly creeping back to his body, he forced the first thought he could ever think, out of his mouth.

“But,” Hanbin’s throat was like coarse sand, “but we’re best friends.”

“I know,” Yunhyeong sighed, “That’s why I hoped, I won’t ever have to tell you.”

Hanbin’s insides churned in remorse. “I’m sorry, hyung.”

Even to him, those words sounded empty and hollow.

“Don’t be. I have already known this is how it’s going to end. Just, just let me be for a while, hm?”

Yunhyeong lowered his gaze as he shifted to his right as he stared at a distance. With a faint smile that did not reach his eyes, he side-glanced at Hanbin, “I’ll take care of this.”

As the cool autumn breeze blew upon them, Yunhyeong walked away.

Hanbin felt his heart sinking deeper and deeper for every step that Yunhyeong took, away from him.

***

As soon as the professor dismissed them, Chanwoo darted towards the door.

He was really thrilled that he will be going to a PC room today to play his favorite online games. Having the chance to teach and play with Yunhyeong put his excitement to another level.

An idea came on Chanwoo as he was making his way to the field. He suddenly wanted to prank his hyung. With a sly smile gracing his lips, he turned and took the long way to the opposite side of the field.

He could not almost hide the smile as he crouched and hid behind the tree a few steps on where they were supposed to meet. As he sneaked a glance at the bench, he could make out Yunhyeong’s standing form but he was surprised to see that he was not alone, Hanbin was with him.

Quickly dropping the scheme he formulated, Chanwoo debated whether to just casually approach them or to wait for them to finish their conversation.

But before could decide, he heard Yunhyeong’s angry voice and a foreboding feeling instantly enveloped him, as he pressed himself harder behind the tree.

He knew that it was wrong to stay there. However, he found himself not able to move a muscle.

“I feel guilty,” Chanwoo heard Yunhyeong’s strained voice, “I feel guilty for not being happy for you when you finally get the chance to be close with Dahyun. That’s the reason I don’t want to go with you.”

After hearing that, Chanwoo thought to himself that he knew what was going on between the two.

“I don’t understand, hyung.”

Chanwoo braced himself.

“I..I have feelings for you, Hanbin.”

What?

Chanwoo could not believe in what had just been said. This realization hit him twice as hard than on what he had previously thought it was.

So, this is what I’m missing?

He was wrong all along.

As Chanwoo continued to listen, he felt his heart twisted for every word that came out from Yunhyeong. Then he understood, he could finally put a name on that unreadable emotion he always saw on Yunhyeong’s face whenever Hanbin was around.

Yearning.

***

“Yunhyeong-hyung!”

Yunhyeong felt an arm suddenly draped over his shoulders. He automatically flinched at the contact but gradually relaxed as he realized that it was Chanwoo.

“Hyung, I was looking for you,” Chanwoo glanced at him embarrassedly, “Did you wait long? Sorry, I’m late.”

He gave Chanwoo an unimpressed look, “Whatever, let’s just go.”

They walked in silence for a while before Chanwoo stopped and turned at him.

“Hyung, can we postpone playing today?”

Yunhyeong’s forehead creased in disappointment.

Even though Yunhyeong was not really fond of video games, he was somewhat looking forward into this now, he really needs all the distraction that he could get after all that happened today.

If Chanwoo bailed out on him now…

Yunhyeong frowned at the thought, the cold hollow feeling on his chest slithering back again.

“Do you,” Yunhyeong swallowed a lump on his throat before forcing himself to smile, “Do you need to go somewhere else?”

Chanwoo shook his head and beamed at him.

“Can you teach me how to cook today, instead?”

The corner of Yunhyeong’s lips quirked up and, for the first time today, it finally reached his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it for now. I will put up the remaining chapters soon! Hope you enjoy!  
~Milkfish


	7. Not Anymore

The appalling shrill of referee’s whistle cut through amidst the boisterous cheering of the opposing crowd.

Chanwoo saw Yunhyeong raised his hand with a disappointed expression on his face even before his name was called out. He was already on his fourth foul. Even with his limited knowledge of the sport, he knew that it was not a good sign. There were only a few seconds past a minute before the end of the first half and things were starting to go downhill for their team, especially for Yunhyeong.

The team sturdily held their ground, maintaining a hefty amount of the lead from the start up to this point. Although from the beginning, it was obvious that Yunhyeong was not faring well. After the first few slip-ups, it did not take long for their opponent to exploit the apparent chink to their foe’s armor. The other team members, mainly Bobby and Donhyuk, has been doubling their effort to put many points on their name while Hanbin and Junhoe solidly uphold their defense. However, with one member not playing at full efficiency, it was not a fair game. After the ten-minute mark, the once steadfast team began to crumble down.

In the moments that Chanwoo had been lost to his musings, a lot had happened on the court. The lead was now down to one-point gap after all the free throws from the foul went in. As the game resume, the palpable pressure between the two teams took a couple of notches up. No one wants to give up. It was the last game for the regional qualifiers. Then on the crucial last moment, the tide had finally turned violently against them.

The ball was in Yunhyeong’s possession and just as he was passing it to Bobby, who was bull-charging towards the basket, it was intercepted. Even from his position, he could hear Hanbin barking off commands. Everyone took a reverse to the opposite side of the court, but it was too late as the ball flew across, fast. Beyond the three-point line, a shot had been fired and with a graceful arc, it plunged into the basket.

The buzzer rang wild, drowning the rambunctious crowd, ending the first half.

They have not lost yet but it already looked that they had, with the evident forlorn expression on the five of them. From his vantage point, Chanwoo saw their coach beckoned the team to a huddle. It lasted briefly with the whole team nodding gravely at the end before piling out to their locker room. The last thing he saw was a downtrodden Yunhyeong trudging wearily behind.

The past week was now taking its toll on Yunhyeong. Chanwoo has witnessed how hard Yunhyeong tried. He smiled and acted like nothing happened the day after he bared his heart to Hanbin. He laughed and joked with them as any normal day that Chanwoo almost believed it if he did not know any better. The reason was glaringly apparent on why he was doing it that Chanwoo’s heart ache. Yunhyeong was doing everything to salvage anything of what was left between him and Hanbin.

But it was never an easy task.

Slowly and agonizingly, the mask that Yunhyeong wore started to chip off as the days passed. Chanwoo has caught enough pieces of it for every time Hanbin glanced at him with a soft and reaching gaze. Yunhyeong began to falter. The funny jokes and the laughter turned to awkward excuses and forced smiles. It came to the point that their lunch became so suffocating because of the heavy tension between the two. Chanwoo could barely imagine how much more difficult it would be on their basketball practice. He was sure that every one of them was aware of it now.

It was the electric ringing of the bell that brought Chanwoo back to his sit with his knuckles unconsciously gripping the fabric of his pants tightly. The half time break was over.

He saw the team beelined to the court. There was an angry Bobby, a concerned Donghyuk, then solemn-faced Junhoe and very fierce and predatory looking Hanbin but there was no Yunhyeong. They have another player joining on the court.

Chanwoo edged and craned from his sit. His anxious eyes frantically searched for a sign of Yunhyeong on the team’s bench but found nothing.

_ Where is he? _

His mind raced, as he thinks of a logical reason for this. They could be preserving him since he already on his fourth foul. He might be resting for a while and we’ll be pulled out later again in the game. It was a reasonable and sensible thought. But it did not put Chanwoo’s heart at ease. His mind was busy rationalizing, but his instinct was telling him otherwise.

_ Something happened. _

As the referee’s whistle signaled the start of the second half, Chanwoo stood up and went out.

_ I’m coming for you, hyung. _

***

Yunhyeong was ashamed. He was so ashamed he could not even look at his teammates. Seeing them disappointed and frustrated will only triple the amount of guilt that was already eating him up inside. He could not even count how many times he blamed himself for messing up on their game. Everyone had worked hard for this and yet he was dragging the whole team down.

“Song.”

_ It’s my fault. _

“Song.”

The firm voice of their coach brought Yunhyeong back to his senses. He was forced to lift his head up and meet the coach’s steady gaze.

“I’m taking you out at the start of the second half,” he said without a beat.

Yunhyeong had already prepared himself for this even before they were inside the locker room but actually hearing it still made him feel so small and angrier at himself.

He nodded weakly. “I understand, Coach.”

“Good,” he sighed, “Get some rest. You’ll need it when I put you back in.” He held their eye contact for a moment before his eyes scanned the team, silently gathering their attention and went on discussing their strategy for the next half.

The hidden meaning from what their coach said was not lost Yunhyeong. Even though he was being taken out, he still felt a rush of relief as their coach still have some faith in him.

With the final words of encouragement, their coach left them and most of the team followed him out as they finished their drinks.

When Yunhyeong finally looked up again, there was only the five of them in the room. Bobby and Donghyuk were giving him a concerned look while Junhoe were quietly frowning at his feet. Hanbin, on the other hand, had his back turned on him.

The surge of mortification came crashing forth again that washed off the flickering hope that their coach had given him for a moment. Yunhyeong could not think of anything he could do on that instance. He wanted to say something, but he did not know the right things to say. He did not even know if he has still the right to say anything. He felt so lost and tired and aching to get out.

He was about to excuse himself when he heard Hanbin speak.

“I want to talk to Yunhyeong hyung.”

Yunhyeong instantly knew that Hanbin was addressing the other three members. But no one said anything, no one moved. The words formed on his tongue have lost its purpose as the realization came to him.

_ He could not avoid Hanbin now. _

The other three stayed still and gave Yunhyeong and Hanbin worried glances. He was sure that their friends were all aware that something had been going on between the two of them even though they did not know what exactly it was all about.

With a deep breath, Yunhyeong met their gaze with the most assuring smile he could muster and nodded for them to go. They lingered for a while before they reluctantly leave the two of them alone.

As soon as the door shuts, Hanbin faced him with blazing eyes.

“Hyung, what’s happening to you?” His calm voice only amplifies the underlying anger on each word.

It took a lot of effort for Yunhyeong not flinch. He averted his gaze to the floor and clamped his mouth shut. He could not even look at Hanbin now. It was just not the same.

“This is an important game for the team,” Hanbin went on when he got no response, his voice growing heavier and heavier on Yunhyeong’s ears, “Have you forgotten about that!?”

No answer came, only sound of heavy breathing filled the room. Then, a loud crack of fist hitting a metal locker reverberated through the silence between them that made Yunhyeong jump and caught the glimpse of Hanbin staring at him with burning intensity

_ I didn’t forget. _

_ It’s my fault. _

_ I’m sorry. _

Those are the things that Yunhyeong wanted to say but his voice betrayed him.

“Is this about that thing again?” Hanbin hissed, voice laced with frustration.

_ Yes. _

_ I’m sorry. _

Yunhyeong tried. He tried so hard to move forward. He expected that things will be much easier when he finally let his feelings out. It did not. The past week had become a torture to him. He painted a smile on his face and forced himself to put all the pain behind. But he was just not strong enough and he hated himself for that.

“Can’t you just forget that stupid feeling for now!?”

His train of thought was derailed when he heard what Hanbin said. He found himself lifting his head with wide eyes, meeting Hanbin’s gaze.

The both of them looked stunned for a moment before Hanbin broke their eye contact and left the room.

_ Stupid feeling. _

Hanbin was already gone but his words remained. It lingered in the room. In Yunhyeong ’s mind. In his heart.

_ Stupid feeling. _

Yunhyeong was not sure how long he had been standing there, unmoving until his lungs reminded him he needed to breathe. Closing his eyes, he filled his lungs with air then emptying it slowly to calm his nerves. There was a prickling feeling on his eyes but he willed himself to hold it in.

_ It’s not the time for this. _

When the buzzer rang from a distance, Yunhyeong opened his eyes and inched sluggishly towards the door with weighted steps. A rush of cool air greeted him immediately as soon as he was out. Then, he stopped dead on his track, seeing a breathless Chanwoo standing there.

_ What is he doing here? Did he hear… _

Yunhyeong wanted to ask but his voice failed him again. He just stood there staring at Chanwoo’s solemn face. A minute passed with neither of them saying anything. It was when a chorus of loud cheers from the court that Yunhyeong found an ounce of strength to speak again.

“Chan—”

But whatever Yunhyeong was supposed to say had been knocked out of him as Chanwoo, with two big strides, came to him and engulfed him in a tight embrace. Yunhyeong’s body instantly went rigid on contact.

“You don’t have to say anything, hyung,” Yunhyeong heard Chanwoo whispered softly against him, “Just let it all out.”

As the meaning of those words finally made sense to Yunhyeong, the vivid memories of the past week came crashing down at him all at once. Every scenario flashed in front of his eyes like a silent film until burst into a white light the cracked the sky into thousand little paper pieces. All the emotion he has been hoarding in him had escaped his eyes and Yunhyeong finally let his tears wash the last trace of his pretentions away.

***

Yunhyeong lifted his head after calming down. He had no idea how much time passed between them in that position. He felt Chanwoo loosening his hold and slowly inching away from him. He expected to feel cold again, but it did not happen. The warmth of Chanwoo’s body remained with him and his heart swelled in gratitude.

Wiping his cheeks with his hand, Yunhyeong peered exploringly at Chanwoo. His mind was racing with questions he wanted to ask. He wanted to explain. But he did not know where to start.

The chaos on his mind must be obvious on his face because Chanwoo smiled at him.

“There’s still a game you need to win, hyung.”

A brief silence reigned over them that spoke volumes of meaning for Yunhyeong. Eyes softening with the implication, Yunhyeong returned the smile before heading towards the court.

He was almost at the end of the hallway when he decided to look back. Chanwoo was still there with a silly grin plastered on his face that gave Yunhyeong a surge of newfound determination as he made his way back to their team's bench.

It was only when the substitution had been called that Yunhyeong finally found the courage to look at Hanbin again. Their eyes met for a split second before Hanbin avoided his gaze. But that fleeting moment was enough for Yunhyeong to realize something, as his mind played back a familiar scene.

_ It’s not that you cannot tell him Yunhyeong-a. I think that deep inside.. deep inside you’re still hoping that, that one day, he will love you back. _

As he stood again inside the court, Yunhyeong whispered resolutely to himself.

“Not anymore, hyung. Not anymore.”


	8. Burnt Pancake

Chanwoo was tired.

It was the first day of their campus festival and his department decided on doing a cafe for this year. Being the new one in his class, he was assigned to do one of the dirty job - dishwashing. The earlier part of the day had started a little slow but suddenly became hectic in the afternoon that Chanwoo could not even remember if he ever had the chance to get off his hands out of the washing gloves.

The sun was about to set when he had been finally relieved from his duties. With exhaustion reigning over his body, Chanwoo quickly made up his mind to call it a day since he did not have the energy to weave his way through the different booths anymore today.

He was making his way out of the student-filled school ground when he saw Yunhyeong. Even with the crowd zipping past around them, Chanwoo was not exactly sure how he could easily pick his hyung out of all the people in the vicinity. An unconscious smile found its way on his lips as he stopped a few steps away and quietly watched the troubled face of his hyung who was whipping his head around him looking like a lost child. His smile turned into a full-blown grin after a short while when their gaze finally met.

There was a pause before Chanwoo saw a flash of recognition cross Yunhyeong's face. They stood there looking at each other with identical grin carved on their lips. Chanwoo took note that it was the first time today that he saw his hyung and he could not help but notice that there was a brightness on Yunhyeong's expression that he had not seen for a while. It could have been the last ray of sun that made his hyung glow in fiery hue, he was not sure but whatever the reason was, it made him happy to see his hyung could somehow smile genuinely again.

Chanwoo still did not know what exactly happened between Yunhyeong and Hanbin during their basketball match last week. It never came up and Chanwoo never bothered to bring it up knowing that his hyung will eventually do when he felt ready.

"Glad to see you," Yunhyeong greeted him as soon as he was within earshot, "I was with Bobby, Junhoe, and Donghyuk but I lost them in the crowd."

Chanwoo made a quick scan around him, "Want me to help you look for them?"

"Nah. I had enough of those three," Y unhyeong waved him off with a chuckle,"I was with them throughout the day."

His hyung then ask him about his first festival in the school and Chanwoo complained about him feeling tired after being assigned as a dishwasher that made Yunhyeong laughed.

"So, are you going home already?"

If it was someone else asked him that question that time, Chanwoo would answer yes without a beat. He was weary and his body was aching to rest so he could not explain why he was having second thought now that it was Yunhyeong who was asking.

Chanwoo must have been staring far too long without responding that his hyung waved a hand in front of him. The act made him blinked out of his thoughts.

Smiling enigmatically at his reaction, Yunhyeong asked, "Want to go somewhere quiet?"

***

They went out of the campus, talking about random things. It was quite nice to have an easy conversation again with his hyung. The past week had been filled with heavy tension and emotion. This was a good change of pace.

After getting snacks at the convenience store they passed by, Yunhyeong led Chanwoo to the neighborhood's playground which was almost empty that time given that it was already getting dark. They sat on the swings as they took notice of how the wind was really getting chilly considering that autumn was nearing its end.

They fell to an occasional silence as they ate. Despite the cold wind brushing against them, Chanwoo found it quite relaxing with just them, their casual talk and the soft metallic creak of the swing as they sway idly.

"I told the coach that Im quitting the team," Yunhyeong told him as they finished their food.

Chanwoo immediately snapped towards Yunhyeong with wide eyes.

"What? Why?" He almost demanded, "You still won right?"

Their university qualified in the regionals after winning the game last week. It was a close game but their team still managed to bounce back at the latter part of the second half. Chanwoo could still remember the victorious look on their faces as soon as final shot plummeted into the basket before the buzzer signaled the end of the game.

"I know.. that was stupid. Our coach made me realized that too," Yunhyeong lowered his gaze with a chuckle, softly he continued, "Its just that, I thought that was the right thing to do after all the mess I did on the game and I also felt that I was not good enough for the team anyway."

Chawoo's face scrunched more in confusion, "I dont understand, I saw you in court, hyung. I think that you are a good player and I can see your passion in playing basketball."

"Funny thing is that I actually didn't like basketball at first. I can't even dribble properly," his hyung lifted his head at stared at nothing at a distance with a light-hearted laugh before his voice became quiet, "But... Hanbin wanted me to join the basketball team with him. He said he wanted to play with me in a team. He's the one who taught me everything about the game."

There was a pause, even the strained screeching of the rusty chain of the swing ceased from that moment. The confusion Chanwoo had morphed into an expression of reconciled understanding.

"Maybe that was the reason that I wanted to quit too. It felt like I failed the team and him. So I think that I did not like it in the first place so why not quit?" Lips curling with a small smile, Yunhyeong continued, "But I realized that was not the case anymore, I learned to love the sport and it became a part of me now. It's not right for me to use it as an excuse for my fallout with Hanbin."

Even with everything that happened between Yunhyeong and Hanbin, the two of them shared so much history in their years of friendship that no one could take away. It will always be there. Something that Chanwoo could only dare to wish.

A gentle pat on Chanwoo's shoulder caught his attention back. He turned to see his hyung staring at him with a warm smile.

"So, thank you for being with me last week. You dont know how grateful I am for you coming to me that time"

The memory of that moment came so clear to Chanwoo that made him avoid Yunhyeong's eyes.

With a hesitant voice, "You, you dont have to thank me hyung," he shifted on his sit, a rush of heat reaching cheeks, "It's not a uh, a big deal."

Yunhyeong did not say anything else about it after that but Chanwoo could still feel his hyung's eye on him for a period of time before he heard him chuckle and ruffle his hair.

The street lamps in the playground were flickering into life when Yunhyeong finally asked the question that Chanwoo was anxious to hear.

"Chanwoo-ya, how did you know?"

"I, uh, I was there at the field that time when you..," he looked down, embarrassment creeping on him as he fiddled with the fabric of his pants, "I'm sorry hyung, I didn't mean to.. I'm sorry."

It became quiet that Chanwoo could hear his heartbeat. He was anticipating the worst that was why he flinched when he felt a hand on his shoulder again. He tentatively lifted his head and wave of reprieve washed over him when he caught Yunhyeong's smiling eyes.

"Ya, stop it," Yunhyeong admonished, laughing softly, "After all that you did for me even after knowing my feelings for my best friend and much more a guy, I dont have the right to be angry at you Thank you for staying with me."

It was cold but there were beads of sweat forming on his forehead. Chanwoo was sure that his face was as bright as the tomato ketchup he hated. Then after his mind kept repeating what his hyung had said, he understood its underlying implication.

"Why would I not stay with you?" Chanwoo blurted out suddenly as it came to him, "What's wrong with liking a guy or anyone. I mean, it's what you feel that is important right?"

As soon as the last word left his mouth, Chanwoo wanted to take it back seeing the shocked expression on his hyung. Looking away, he wished for the ground to cracked opened and just swallow him up.

"How can you be so mature all of sudden?"

Chanwoo cringed, hearing the smirk on Yunhyeong's voice. He was still wallowing in humiliation when he felt warm fingers pinched his flustered cheek.

"Whoever the person you fall in love with will be so lucky, Chanwoo-ya," Yunhyeong fondly said.

After hearing that, Chanwoo's face burned cherry red. His awkward state only fuels his hyung to tease him more. Even with his shame on the line, he could not help but feel so pleased and contented at that time. The moment somehow felt so natural. It made him dizzy and his stomach hummed in a funny way he could not explain.

They have gone from teasing to laughing as they regressed back to a friendly conversation with Yunhyeong recalling the hilarious things that he did with Junhoe, Bobby and Donghyuk on the different booths during day.

"Hyung," Chanwoo called out after a comfortable silence ruled over them.

"Hmm?"

"What if it's just you?"

Yunhyeong turned to him in confusion, "Huh?"

Chanwoo had this question for a while now. He was curious after hearing the story from his hyung.

"You said that Hanbin hyung is the reason that made you play basketball even if you didnt like it at first," Chanwoo met Yunhyeong's gaze with steady eyes.

_ "But what if it's _ _ just you? Without thinking of anyone else, what would you want to do?" _

***

"What do you want to do now?" Jinhwan asked.

Hanbin did not answer. His eyes were focused at a distance where Yunhyeong and Chanwoo were talking animatedly with a smile on their faces. He wondered if he could ever talk to his hyung like that again with all the things he said and done for the past weeks. Every time he saw Yunhyeong reminded him of their confrontation in the locker room. The broken look of his hyung when Hanbin had said those stupid words still haunted him with heart-wrenching guilt.

A nudged on his side fished Hanbin out of his musings that made him give his attention back to Jinhwan.

"Uh, what did you say again, hyung?"

Hanbin was with Jinhwan for most of the day. The older guy offered to help Hanbin with the freshmen's booth and presentation during the opening ceremony from which he was grateful. Hanbin had been distracted after their match and not on his element to keep it all together

Jinhwan sighed, "I asked you, what do you want to do now?"

The two of them were wandering around the school ground after wrapping it up with the freshmen.

He thought about it for a second but there was nothing. His mind was now preoccupied with Yunhyeong and Chanwoo. He shifted on his feet and furtively glanced at the two.

"I don't know," Hanbin answered lamely, looking down.

"Just talk to him."

Hanbin perked up at his hyung in mild surprise but Jinhwan was staring off at Yunhyeong's direction.

"This had been going on for a while now and Im tired of seeing both of you like this," Jinhwan looked at Hanbin, "It's time for the two of you to talk about it."

"Hyung, do you--"

Jinhwan cut him off with a knowing smile, "I've known the two for my whole life and weve been living in the same space for years, what do you think?"

Hanbin gaped dumbly at Jinhwan who chuckled on his reaction.

"Unlike you, I'm not living in my own little world."

Hanbin was not oblivious. He was known to be a perfectionist who paid attention to every detail but right now why he could not disagree with his hyung. Sighing defeatedly, he realized that, maybe, he was too focused on the details that he forgot to see the bigger picture.

"I made a mistake, hyung," Hanbin began slowly with a timid voice, "I dont know if Yunhyeong hyung still want to talk to me."

"Are you sure? It's Yunhyeong-ie were talking about."

Hanbin knew he was stalling and Jinhwan, being the perceptive one, must have caught on it too. He really wanted to talk to Yunhyeong but he did not know what to say. He wanted to explain and apologize but he was afraid that he will come off with all the wrong words again. He already did it once and have witnessed the pain it brought to Yunhyeong as a repercussion. It scared him that he will end up doing it again. He could not dare to think about what will happen to their relationship then.

"What will I say to him, hyung?"

Jinhwan peered at him in contemplation. He reached out to Hanbin and gently pat his back.

"You already know his feelings for you. I guess you should start with the answer to the question," Jinhwan took a deep breath before resting his hand at Hanbins shoulder giving it a small squeeze, "What do you feel for him?"

Hanbin did not answer.

Instead, he slowly glanced back to where he saw Yunhyeong and Chanwoo but they were already gone.

***

It was on the last day of the festival when Hanbin finally had the courage to talk to Yunhyeong. He went home early that day and found Yunhyeong working with some papers in the kitchen counter. It was the first time that it was only the two of them alone and Hanbin knew that Jinhwan would not be home for a few hours.

"Hyung," Hanbin called tentatively as he approached Yunhyeong. He saw him stopped with what he had been writing. He waited for him to look up to him before he went on, "Can we talk?"

Yunhyeong stared at him in silence. Then he put down his pen and gave Hanbin a faint smile, "Okay, let's talk."

After talking with Jinhwan, Hanbin had been thinking of all the things he wanted to say when this time comes. But being in the actual situation made him lose all these thoughts he carefully planned. He opened his mouth in an attempt but closed it again when no words came out. The familiar sense of trepidation he felt was once ignited again as he lowered his gaze.

"Hanbin-a," Yunhyeongs calm voice soothed Hanbin's senses back and made him look up, "It's fine."

When their eyes met, Hanbin could only see one thing on Yunhyeong's face - forgiveness. He could not help to be relieved for a brief moment before a sudden wave of guilt washed over him again. Even without hearing his apology, his hyung had already forgiven him. He felt undeserving of that privilege.

Swallowing his nervousness, Hanbin finally choke the words out of his mouth, "I'm really sorry, hyung," he started slowly, "for being stupid and inconsiderate. And I'm sorry for only doing this now. I was scared. I'm afraid that youll never talk to me again and I'm--" 

"Ya," Yunhyeong cut him off with a soft chuckle, "Hanbin-a, stop it. I told you its alright."

Hanbin stared at his feet still feeling small about himself. He did not expect this. His hyung should be treating him coldly and lashing him out in anger and not like this.

"Hyung, I hurt you. How could you forgive me so easily?"

"Because it's my fault too," Yunhyeong answered without a beat, "I messed up an important game for the team. I should be able to separate my," he paused, "my feelings.. it should not affect the team or anything and I apologize for that too. I promise it will never happen again."

_ What do you feel about him? _

Until now, Hanbin has no answer to that question. Every time he dared to think about it he always ended up to the thought of them being best friends.

"Hyung, about that, I'm sorry," Hanbin sighed avoiding eye contact, "I feel guilty about not knowing how I feel about you. Its just I dont know what to do or how should I act around you after you told me about it. We have been best friends for so long. I never thought someone like you could... could ever like me. "

Hanbin lifted his head when he heard Yunhyeong rose from his sit. His hyung came to him carefully and put place his hands of his both of his shoulder and stared directly at him.

"I did not confess to you just so you feel obligated to do something, ok?" Yunhyeong gave him a firm squeeze on his shoulders before his hands went limp to his side, "I never wanted to tell you about it in the first place. I dont want anything to change between us. I was hoping that these feelings that I have will go away eventually but, you see, it was not easy. But this is my feeling and I'll take care of it. You don't have to do anything."

"But--"

"Let's not make this more awkward than it already is Hanbin," Yunhyeong's hard tone made Hanbin swallowed back his objections, he heard him sigh and lowered his gaze, "Let's just acknowledge all the things that happened, hmm?"

There was an assurance on Yunhyeong's voice but something was strange with the way his eyes were peering at Hanbin now. It reminded him of that afternoon when his hyung has told him about his feelings, resigned and resolute. However, something about it felt different and it bothered him.

_ What is it? _

"I'll take care of my feelings," Yunhyeong looked at him with a determined smile, "and this time, I mean it."

Then the answer came to him like a splash of a cold bucket of ice.

Yunhyeong was giving up.

***

When Hanbin woke up the next day the sun was already high up. He trudged groggily to the kitchen as his stomach grumbled. He stopped on his track when he saw Jinhwan cooking.

"Why are you the one cooking hyung?"

Jinhwan snorted. "Am I not allowed to cook now?"

"I mean, where is Yunhyeong hyung?"

Jinhwan stared at him for a full second before he flipped his burnt pancake with a grimace.

"He left early. He said he has a cooking workshop."

Hanbin furrowed his brows, "Cooking workshop? On a Saturday?"

Jinhwan shrugged and that was it.

Feeling oddly bothered, he ignored the sound his stomach was making and made his way back to his room, disregarding Jinhwan who was calling him out to eat. As he passed Yunhyeong's room, he swore he heard his voice.

_ "Hanbin-a." _

Hanbin turned around and carefully opened the door, only to realize that no one was there.  



	9. Scarf

The sky was like a dreary cemented ceiling and cold whispers of air brushed everyone’s ear. It was December.

Readjusting the scarf around his neck, Hanbin rubbed his gloved hands for warmth and blew a crisp sigh. He was running late. The morning was unusually little colder than normal and he had to return to their apartment just to bundle himself up to keep himself from shivering.

On a normal day, he was usually with Yunhyeong since their schedule were almost identical and Jinhwan had an early morning class. Today, however, he was alone. He woke up by himself with only a toast and hot chocolate in the kitchen. Hanbin rarely felt bothered by solitude but being under this kind of weather made him a little more susceptible to the feeling. It did not help the fact that this kind of day was getting more frequent. He used to walk with Yunhyeong when going to school but lately his hyung’s presence had been scarce.

For some time, it felt like they somehow things were slowly mellowing down after their talk that day. The awkwardness and tension gradually thinned out and they can finally share simple conversation and even small laughter. It made Hanbin relieved and happy. But that does not mean that nothing really changed. Small things changed and those small things made the difference.

It started with the frequency of Yunhyeong’s absence. Absence to Hanbin at least. They were going in the same school and living in the same apartment but Hanbin noted that day by day that it was getting harder and harder to get a hold of his hyung. When they were in their apartment, it was either Yunhyeong was already locked up in his room when Hanbin arrived or he’ll come home vey late. There was a time that Hanbin stayed up to wait for him only to greeted by a small talk and a tired smile before his hyung clammed up again to his room.

In school, the longest time Hanbin could see Yunhyeong or be in same vicinity as him was during their lunch. It was also the only time the he can talk to him the longest. They won’t have any basketball practice until early next year and that meant that there will be no mandatory reason can force them together at the end of their class. Hanbin still tried though. He often would look for his hyung and asked him to hang out with their friends after school but the number of polite refusal he received outnumbered the times his offers were actually accepted.

Even during the weekend, Hanbin could hardly feel his hyung’s presence in their apartment. Yunhyeong had started attending a cooking workshop that he could barely see him every Saturday. On Sundays, Yunhyeong had always some thing to do that Hanbin was neither aware of nor part of.

_ You said you don’t want anything to change… _

Hanbin would be lying he said that those little things did not bother him. It even hurt him somehow. From his perspective, Yunhyeong seems to put subtle tiny spaces in between them that keeps Hanbin at a distance. He always berated himself for thinking negatively about it. Maybe he was just overthinking and stressing about nothing that was not actually there. 

_ Why would Yunhyeong do it? _

_ Is it intentional?  _

_ They already talked about, right? _

_ Or is it just me? _

He felt helpless for not knowing what to do because they looked that they already worked it out. They talked and acted like everything have been dealt with even though his gut was screaming otherwise. No matter how hard he tried to ignore it, it seemed that there was now a gap that Hanbin could not close and that, slowly and quietly, they were drifting apart.

When Hanbin faded his thoughts, he was already in the school yard. He breathed out cool puff of air as he composed himself. He put his hands on his coats pocket and made his way to his first class but stopped when he saw two familiar figure nearby. He stood there, watching over Yunhyeong and Chanwoo until something happened that brought him back to one of the times he treasured.

_ “Hyung, I’m cold,” twelve year old Hanbin looked at Yunhyeong as he shivered and hugged himself. _

_ A fourteen year old Yunhyeong paused and turned to his dongsaeng, “Ya! I kept reminding you not to forget your scarf?” He eyed Hanbin in frustration before he sighed, “Come here, pabo.” _

_ Hanbin could only stare as Yunhyeong untangled his cerulean scarf and gingerly wrapped it around Hanbin’s neck. _

Hanbin could never forget that day. He could still remember the scent of Yunhyeong on him throughout that day and the warmth it exudes. It is one of the memory that never failed to bring a smile on his lips not until this time. Hanbin could not explain the foreign feeling he had when he saw Yunhyeong ruffled Chanwoo’s hair and gave Chanwoo the scarf he was wearing. An unknown prickling sensation spread on his chest that made him unconsciously step towards the two that when he realized what he was doing he was already halfway there.

Blinking himself back in control, Hanbin paused, his eyes dropping. All the thoughts he had been thinking came crashing back at him with twice the force.

_ If I did not go back for my scarf today, will Yunhyeong hyung still do the same?  _

Hanbin wanted to do something but every time he came up with anything Yunhyeong’s words always held him back in place.

_ …I did not confess to you just so you feel obligated to do something, ok? _

_ You don’t have to do anything… _

But some times, doing nothing was the hardest thing to do.

***

Chanwoo mentally scolded himself for forgetting to wear a scarf as he shivered. He was already in the campus ground when realized this and he will surely be late on his class if he attempted to go back and get one. He accepted his ill fate of suffering through the day and huddled into his coat for warmth when he heard his name. He turned around and the corner of his lips automatically tugged upward when he saw Yunhyeong jogging towards him.

Ever since that day, Chanwoo became closer to Yunhyeong. He always thought that he was already pretty close to the older guy after knowing him for a few months but after the moments and things they shared on the playground that night, Chanwoo was so happy that they finally had something reserved for only the two of them.

They also have been hanging out more frequently after that, few occasions with the other guys but most of the time it was only the two of them alone. There was this time that they went to watch a horror movie in which Chanwoo never got to understand the story because Yunhyeong became jumpy and clung to him whenever scary scenes happened. They also tried those escape rooms where he found out that Yunhyeong was very good at it. But what he enjoyed the most was when, he finally taught his hyung playing online games. Chanwoo never imagined he could laughed so hard that day. It was so funny teaching an old soul like Yunhyeong about modern stuffs.

“Ya, what’s with the creepy smile?” Yunhyeong looked at him suspisciously as he neared him.

“Just remembering the game we had last Sunday, hyung,” Chanwoo chuckled, “You died so may times I lost count.” 

Yunhyeong glared at him tiredly, “You never going to let it go, do you?” 

“Because it’s so funny,” Chanwoo snickered, “Pressing all the wrong buttons.”

He heard Yunhyeong called him a brat and hit him lightly in the shoulder. The action only motivated Chanwoo to tease his hyung more. It was only when a gust of cold wind blew past them that made Chanwoo stopped. He wrapped his arms around himself as the cool air seeped through his coat.

“Why are you not wearing a scarf in this kind of weather?” Yunhyeong asked when he saw him quivering.

Chanwoo gave him a sheepish look, “Well, it slipped out of my mind.” 

“You’re just like—”

“Am like what?” Chanwoo glanced at his hyung curiously.

Yunhyeong paused and stared at him for a second. Shaking his head with a smile, he went in front of Chanwoo and answered, “Nothing.”

Without saying anything else, Chanwoo felt Yunhyeong’s gloved hand messed his hair before a warm scarf enveloped his neck. It was so sudden that Chanwoo did not have the time to react. He was overwhelmed with Yunhyeong’s face being so close to him that his face heat up.

Giving the last pat on his shoulder, Yunhyeong stepped back and grinned at him, “Feeling better?”

It took a full second before Chanwoo blinked and nodded dumbly at Yunhyeong. He was still dazed as the scent of from the scarf invaded his sense of smell. He felt his heart racing and the familiar tingling sensation invaded his stomach again.

This odd condition has been happening to Chanwoo lately, specifically around his hyung. He noticed it for few times now, whenever his hyung would get close to him and ruffle his hair, or whenever he pinched his cheek or hit him lightly on his shoulder and even more every time he sincerely smiled at him and draped his arms over his shoulders. Chanwoo would be lying if he said that it did not felt good. It made him warm and fuzzy in the inside but at the same time it was also different.

“Chanwoo-ya?” Yunhyeong waved a hand infront of Chanwoo, snapping him out from his thoughts.

“Did you say something, hyung?”

Yunhyeong chuckled, “Stop spacing out or else we’ll be late, c’mon.”

Staring blankly for a second, Chanwoo finally realized the thing he was supposed to say, “Hyung, your scarf. Why? I mean, what about you? Aren’t you the one cold now?”

“You looked like you need it more than me. Just say thank you, ok?”

There was a beat and Chanwoo was under the strange feeling again. Yunhyeong had to call for him at distance before Chanwoo finally found his legs. He shook his head and forced himself to refrain from thinking about it as he jogged towards his hyung.

Chanwoo did not say thank you though. Instead, he buried half of his face on the scarf and snaked his arm around Yunhyeong’s shoulder. Smiling beneath the layer of fabric, he glanced at his hyung.

“Feeling better?”

***

It was still dark out but Hanbin was already awake. He yawned and stretched up a bit before leaving his room. He went straight to the kitchen and waited. 

The clock reads six o’ clock when Yunhyeong entered the kitchen. His hyung stopped rubbing his eyes in surprise when took notice of Hanbin.

“Why are you up early on a Saturday?” Yunhyeong asked him in a lighthearted tone, making his way to the electric kettle.

Hanbin had been thinking. He still did not know the unfamiliar feeling he felt that day so he decided not to dwell on it. But there was one thing that became clear to him.

“I was waiting for you.”

From across the kitchen, Yunhyeong gave him a questioning look, “Why? Do you need something?”

Hanbin shook his head with a faint smile, “I just.. miss you, hyung.”

He saw Yunhyeong faltered, a brief flash of emotion crossed his face. He blinked at him confusedly after a moment of silence and smiled at him.

“Are you sure you’re already awake?” Yunhyeong approached Hanbin with a mug of hot chocolate, “Here, drink this first. I’ll make something for us.”

Hanbin did not respond. He lowered his gaze to the mug in front of him, feeling slightly dejected. He was not sure what response he expected from his hyung but he was sure that it was not like that.

Silence stretched for a sometime between them. He heard Yunhyeong humming as he busied himself around the kitchen. He occasionally asked Hanbin about his classes and they will talk about some other topics spontaneously. Their conversation went like that until Yunhyeong finished making waffles and they started eating shortly after.

It looked normal. It looked the same. But it felt different. Hanbin wanted to bring it up again but he could not think of anything else to say about it. He could only think of those three words no matter how hard he try and Yunhyeong brushed it off easily like it was a joke.

_ Were they really ok? _

“I’ll clean this up, hyung,” Hanbin said when he saw his hyung was done, “You have a workshop, right?”

Yunhyeong thanked him as he stood. He was at the kitchen’s entrance when he stopped and glanced back at Hanbin.

“Do you,” Yunhyeong began lowly, “Do you want to do something later?”

Hanbin almost dropped the mug he was holding. His face instantly brightened as he nodded vigorously even without knowing what will they are going to do. It simply did not matter to him. What important was, he was going to spend time with Yunhyeong.

When Yunhyeong finally turned away again, he left a soft whisper that made Hanbin’s chest bubbled in warmth more than any hot chocolate that he ever drank.

“I miss you too…”


	10. Wolf and Sheep

“Why are you looking at me like that?”

Hanbin noticed that Jinhwan had been giving him pointed stares for a few times now from across the table as they eat their breakfast that Yunhyeong left for them. It usually did not bother him since from as far as he know his hyung, sharp and passive had been always been his default facial expression which make it hard to read what’s running on his mind. If his hyung did not smile so often, it would not be so hard to assume that he is judging everyone with his stare. Right now, Jinhwan was looking at Hanbin with much more weight than normal that the older guy did not even attempt to put in discretion.

“Like what?”

“Like a creep.”

Jinhwan chuckled, putting down his cup of coffee gingerly. “I just noticed that you’ve been in a good mood lately.”

“Is that a bad thing?” Hanbin rolled his eyes.

“Of course not,” Jinhwan shook his head. He eyed Hanbin for a second and gave him a small smile, “Just glad that Yunhyeong and you are being normal again.”

_ Is being normal the same as being like they were before? _ Hanbin wanted to ask his hyung but instead he held their gaze at length and returned the gesture in silence.

Hanbin remembered how he had been overzealously waiting on the apartment for his hyung to comeback last Saturday. It was embarrassing to admit that he felt like a dog with ears perked up when he heard the door clicked open and Yunhyeong came in. He wanted ask where will they go or what they will do but he did not want to sound so eager and excited even he though he was. So instead, Hanbin resorted to asking how his hyung’s workshop go. It did not came off as nonchalant as he wanted to which earned him a laugh from Yunhyeong. Even with him not being convincing enough, Hanbin thought that it was a good start. And it was. They somehow eased up from that talking about mundane things like they always did. Like how they would argue on what brand of ramyeon tastes better or how Yunhyeong will try to exaggerate things he experienced and how Hanbin made it his job to undermine everything about it.

They ended up in a bowling alley that evening, like they always did before when they wanted to bet on trivial things. That time, it was who will pay for dinner. They both played like their life depended on it, egging and annoying each other, just to gain advantage. But Hanbin already knew that it was not his game so it was as easy as breathing for him to accept his defeat in the end. Besides, it was in his intention to treat Yunhyeong to a meal in the first place. Overall, that night turned out more than what he could hope for.

From there on, anyone could tell that they were back to normal, like before. But it became so banal that Hanbin couldn’t barred his thoughts from thinking if they have always been like that before. Just the thought of it leave a trail of acerbic taste on his throat because no matter how hard he try to rationalize or no matter how he and Yunhyeong fall into normalcy, Hanbin could never accept it.

Because what they have was not simply normal.

It was special.

“It’s good that he’s moving on then.” 

Hanbin blinked out from his musings and glanced at his hyung. He was not exactly sure of the expression showing on his face but he surmised that it was not the reaction that Jinhwan was expecting. His hyung looked at him quizzically for a moment before his eyes soften and stared at him in a strange knowing silence that made Hanbin lowered his gaze and turn away.

Jinhwan sighed. “You know what that means, don’t you?”

“Yes,” Hanbin murmured quietly. 

After all, that’s what it’s supposed to be, right? Hanbin knew that’s bound to happen. He had been busy bridging the gap with Yunhyeong for the past weeks that he failed to remember how will this going to end – with them just being best friends.

Despite all the assurance that Habin kept muttering to himself, there was still a gnawing feeling on the pit of his stomach he could not explain.

“It’s not your fault, ok.”

Hanbin turned to Jinhwan in confusion, “What?”

“That you don’t feel the same way.” 

There was a tone of finality in the way Jinhwan answered him but why does it feel, in some ambiguous way, that it was also a some sort of a question directed to Hanbin.

“So don’t be hard on yourself,” Jinwhan continued, letting Hanbin keep his silence. He send a small reassuring smile at his direction like he can read his thoughts, “Whatever you are feeling right now, it’s not different. It’s normal.”

_ So, that’s what it is? Hanbin thought. _

Hanbin smiled bitterly to himself when it finally dawned to him that he was being so stupidly foolish from the start. It felt like he had been so drunk for the whole time and Jinhwan gave him a coffee so strong to shake him back to his senses. 

And now, he finally understood the distance that he had been seeing in Yunhyeong’s eyes.

_ The difference between what they had before and what they have now… _

Jinhwan was right, this is normal.

*** 

Chanwoo darted off his class room as soon as he dumped his things inside his bag. It was lunch time and Yunhyeong told him this morning that he’ll wait for him so they could go together to the cafeteria since he had his class in the same building. He only made few steps on the hallway when he heard his name being called out. He turned around and blinked in mild surprise to see a girl from his class approached him. He faintly remember that her name was Mina, since they have been assigned in the same group for the project the semester.

“Chanwoo-ssi,” she said slightly breathless when she neared him, “I just wanted to thank you for lending me your notes last week. It helped me a lot to finish my part of the project.”

Chanwoo was slightly taken aback when Mina bowed at him. 

“Uh, it’s not big deal. No need thanking me,” he gave her an awkward smile, “Besides, its for our group project.”

Mina returned his smile. “Still, you’re the only one in our group that offered me your notes, Chanwoo-ssi.”

Letting out a nervous chuckle, Chanwoo scratched the back of his head bashfully. “You don’t have to be so formal, we’re classmates.”

They stood there for a while not knowing how to proceed from there. Chanwoo was about to excuse himself when Mina speak again.

“Do you…” she started softly, fiddling her thumb, “Do you want to have lunch with me?”

Chanwoo’s eyes widen, not expecting the sudden offer. He stared at Mina for a while and watched as her face became flustered and a frantic look crossed her face.

“I mean, I wanted to treat you in return for your help,” she said, looking at her feet.

Not knowing how to handle this kind of situation Chanwoo waved his hands in polite refusal. 

“There’s no need for that. I’m just glad that I helped.”

Mina did not respond. Instead, she lifted her gaze and gave Chanwoo a hopeful look.

Panic rushed through him, not knowing how to turn down her offer in a nice way. It’s not that Chanwoo did not want to accept her gratitude, it’s just he felt really awkward and besides, he was suppose to meet Yunhyeong now.

“Uh, I’m sorry,” Chanwoo started a little panicky. Lowering his gaze, he continued slowly, “But I already have plans for lunch.”

“Oh.. I see,” Mina stammered, avoiding Chanwoo’s eyes.

“What about dinner?” Chanwoo added hastily. His conscience coaxing him to bargain after seeing the downcast look on Mina’s face. “You can treat me dinner instead if that’s ok with you.”

Chanwoo let out a breath he didn’t know he had been holding when Mina’s expression brightened. They agreed to meet after their class later at university gate before Mina bounced off with a smile on her lips leaving Chanwoo a little disoriented after the ordeal. 

_ What did just happen? _

Before Chanwoo could settle his thoughts, an arm circled his shoulder. He turned and froze with the sudden proximity of Yunhyeong’s face on his. It took him some time to register that he had been staring before he blinked and not trusting himself to look again at his hyung.

“So, who’s that girl?”

“My classmate,” was Chanwoo’s simple and immediate answer, wishing to himself that Yunhyeong would not press the matter further.

“Really?” Yunhyeong let go his hold of Chanwoo’s shoulder and faced him with a mischievous glint on his eyes. “Is that why you’ll have dinner date with her.”

Chanwoo groaned. What his hyung had said just confirmed that he overheard his conversation with Mina.

“It’s not a date.”

“Are you sure? Looks like a date to me.”

Letting out an exasperated sigh, Chanwoo explained to his hyung about his notes, Mina and how it was just an act of gratefulness, clearly and repeatedly emphasizing that it was not a date. 

Not a date.

“So, her name is Mina.”

Chanwoo ran his hand through his hair. “Hyung!”

“Why?” Yunhyeong glanced at him slyly and wiggle his eyebrows, “I didn’t know you had it in you.”

“I told you it’s not like that!”

Yunhyeong guffawed at his outburst. Chanwoo could only stare in frustration at his hyung clutching his stomach in an uncontained mirth. His eyes darted around the hallway feeling multiple students glancing at them weirdly. He lowered his gaze self-consciously and glared at his hyung laughing form, tempted to walk away. He had enough of embarrassment for today.

“Can we go now, hyung? Or I’m leaving you here,” Chanwoo threatened.

“Ok sure, let’s go,” Yunhyeong acquiesced stifling his laughter.

They quietly exited the building with Chanwoo still pouting in annoyance and Yunhyeong wearing a permanent grin on his lips. It was when the cafeteria is few feet away that Yunhyeong decided to speak again.

“Your so fun to tease Chanwoo-ya.”

Chanwoo halted for a moment and shot his hyung a dubious look. He heard his Yunhyeong chuckled as he stepped closer to him.

“You look like a kid who didn’t get the toy he wanted, you know. Stop it, you’re making me laugh again,” he said ruffling Chanwoo’s hair.

After a moment, Chanwoo finally cracked a small smile.

“I think she likes you,” Yunhyeong said making Chanwoo frown instantly.

“Hyung, this again? She doesn’t like me, ok.”

“Sure, sure,” Yunhyeong raised his hands in surrender. With a quiet voice he continued, “But… what if she does? I’m curious, what will you do?”

Chanwoo blinked a few times and opened his mouth but realized that he did not know what to say. He actually did not consider it more so the thought never really crossed his mind. He cleared his throat and avoid his hyung’s gaze. “Well… I don’t know,” he murmured softly.

Silence stretched for a few second before Chanwoo felt his hyung’s finger poking his cheek.

“I’m not sure if you are a sheep in a wolf’s clothing or the other way around.”

“What!?”

Yunhyeong laughed again as Chanwoo shot him an aggravated look. But this time, his irritation was short-lived as it slowly slipped away as his breath hitched watching how Yunhyeong’s eyes glimmered under the sun light with the uncontained tears of joy brimming on the side of his smiling eyes. 

The laughter mellowed down after a while but it was still echoing in Chanwoo’s ears. He saw Yunhyeong’s mouth moved, as he say something to him but he could only focus how his hyung’s lips formed the words.

Only when Chanwoo felt a tap on his shoulder that he came back to his senses.

“Ya! Are you spacing out again?” Yunhyeong asked him but Chanwoo just stared in response watching his hyung’s expression turned playful and continued, “Or are you thinking of your date already?”

Shaking his head, Chanwoo did not raise the bait and started to walk towards the entrance of the school cafeteria. He felt his hyung presence behind him but he did not look back. More specifically, he could not look back. 

Not when he was feeling like this. 

Not when his nerves were tingling like this.

Not when the Chanwoo was on the verge of answering Yunhyeong that he was not thinking of his so-called date later.

He was thinking of the sound of Yunhyeong’s laughter, of his bright smile and of the way Yunhyeong’s lips move when he talks.

He was thinking of him.

* * *


	11. Home

It was not his day, Chanwoo thought in aggravation. He was so close in raking his hair out in frustration. He still couldn’t get over the announcement that the seminar that they supposed to have next year was now moved next week and they must pay for it now. He stared menacingly at the reply email on his phone confirming his payment he just made before he shut his eyes and release a long string of breath. And just like that, the ticket money he’d been saving to watch the baseball game this coming Sunday was all gone.

_ Looks like I have to be contented on watching the replay on my phone again… _

Shuffling on his sit, he took note of the time on his phone and forced himself to be on his way. If Chanwoo was just feeling a little off earlier about this arrangement he made with Mina, he was dreading it now. He was positive that their dinner will be stiffed and filled with awkward lapses but somehow, he felt that he could get through it. Right now, however, he was not even sure if he can greet Mina with a curt smile at least. He was really looking forward to the game this weekend and the thought of it being foiled certainly put him in sour mood.

Chanwoo was trudging with heavy footsteps in the campus ground when he saw Yunhyeong, who look liked he was waiting for him, waved at him with a suggestive look on his face. He was hoping that he could avoid him today. He didn’t need to add confusion and the weird feelings that kept bothering him to the mix of his already chaotic emotion festering him today. He inwardly cursed his luck as he neared him knowing exactly how will this about to go down.

Before Yunhyeong could say anything, Chanwoo silenced him with a raised hand and met his eyes with wary glare. “I’m not in the mood, hyung,” he said.

He heard Yunhyeong chuckled lightly but when Chanwoo’s expression remain unchanged, his hyung blinked at him owlishly and raised a brow.

“Ya, what’s with the serious look?” 

“Not now, hyung.”

Chanwoo averted his gaze and looked ahead. From this distance, he could already make out Mina waiting for him by the gate. He sighed and wished that Yunhyeong would let him off the hook for this one. But when he felt a hand on his shoulder when he tried to get past his hyung, he knew Yunhyeong would not let him go that easily.

“You know it’s not good to go on in a date in that mood.”

Chanwoo knew that Yunhyeong was only teasing him to lighten up the tensed atmosphere but he only found himself rolling his eyes in response.

“Chanwoo-ya, what’s with you? Do you have a problem? You know you can tell me, right?”

The concern on Yunhyeong’s voice was so glaringly apparent that Chanwoo suddenly felt guilty for seemingly taking out his bad mood at his hyung. No one was at fault for this one. The timing was jut not on his side this time. He paused for a moment and he sighed before apologizing to Yunhyeong and briefly told him about what happened on his last class.

“You’ve been looking forward to it right?” Yunhyeong said absently looking at him in deep thought. “It’s LG Twins’ game, your favorite team.”

“It’s ok, hyung,” Chanwoo smiled wryly at Yunhyeong’s frowning face. It was like his hyung was the one who could not make it to the baseball game. “I’ll just go on their next game.”

“Are you sure you’re ok?” 

Chanwoo nodded. Sure, he was disappointed but it’s not the end of the world. It’s pointless to be pissed off on something he had no control over. He promised to himself that he will be at the stadium on their next game no matter what.

“If that’s the case, let’s meet your date now!”

Chanwoo snapped his head on his hyung’s direction in surprise but Yunhyeong just smirked at him and started marching towards the gate. Chanwoo shook his head for letting his guard down for a second before he followed suit. His eyes scanned around where he saw Mina standing a while ago when he felt himself stopped in mid step when he saw Hanbin and Dahyun talking animatedly not far ahead.

It only took Chanwoo a split second to recover from his initial shock before his legs took a life on its own and barricaded himself in front of Yunhyeong, strategically blocking his hyung from seeing Hanbin and Dahyun. For whatever reason, his instinct was telling him not to let his hyung see those two.

“Ya! What are you doing?” Yunhyeong furrowed his brows when Chanwoo moved in the same direction when he attempted to get past him.

With a serious look on his face, Chanwoo remained silent and adamantly held his position in between Yunhyeong and the view he did not want him to see.

“Chanwoo-ya!”

“Hyung,” Chanwoo started solemnly putting his hand on Yunhyeong’s shoulder to keep him in place, “can we… l-let’s just stay like this for a while.”

Yunhyeong gave him a confused look. “Why?”

Ignoring the question, Chanwoo just gazed at him pleadingly and whispered, “Please.”

Chanwoo almost released a sigh of relief when he felt Yunhyeong’s shoulder relaxed but as soon as he loosens the grip on his shoulder, his hyung spun around him in one swift motion.

“Brat, have you forgotten that I’m from the basketball team?” Yunhyeong admonished, briefly glancing at Chanwoo before turning ahead.

Instinctively grabbing Yunhyeong’s wrist, Chanwoo warned in a distressed voice, “Don’t look, hyung.”

But his plea fell in deaf ears.

For a moment, Yunhyeong made no indication whether he saw Hanbin and Dahyun that gave Chanwoo an ounce of hope to believe that maybe they were already gone but when he lifted his head, they were still there on the same spot. 

And they were laughing.

Chanwoo’s gaze drifted automatically to Yunhyeong. He was expecting that he was wearing the same pained and yearning expression on his face, but he was oddly surprised to see his hyung looking straight at the two with a face devoid of any emotion. He stood there with wide blank eyes before his gaze soften as he turned to him.

“You… You don’t have to do that, Chanwoo-ya.”

“I... I don’t…”

_ I don’t want to see you get hurt again,  _ was what Chanwoo stuttering to say but could not bring himself, because he felt like he was overstepping some invisible boundaries.

“But… thank you,” Yunhyeong wiggled out from Chanwoo’s hold and gave him a reassuring pat on his shoulder as his gaze travelled back at Hanbin. “Soon, I know… I can look at them with a smile on my face,” he said softly.

“How can you look at them when you know it will just hurt you?” Chanwoo asked before he could stop himself.

Yunhyeong gave him a fond smile that never fail to calm his nerves as he gave him an answer that will surely be ingrained on his memory. Chanwoo felt his cheeks heating up as his hair was being ruffled again by his hyung.

“I’ll be fine Chanwoo-ya. So, you better be good to your date. Make your hyung proud, dongsaeng.”

Chanwoo didn’t even bother to correct his hyung that it’s not a date. He shot him one last look full of concern before he beelined towards where Mina stood. When he glanced back, Yunhyeong waved at him and gave him two thumbs up. Then his eyes glided at Hanbin and Dahyun, as the answer that Yunhyeong gave to his question reverberating distinctly on his mind.

_ “The only time we can heal is when we’re hurting, isn’t it?” _

***

“Sunbae!”

Hanbin whipped his head back only to see Dahyun barreling to his direction with eager steps. Ever since their few meet ups when Hanbin was helping them on their music in preparation for the school festival, he could say that he has become in speaking terms with Dahyun and most of her friends. At first, he thought after the school event they will just revert back to just being schoolmates that basically exchanged a polite greetings whenever they meet or basically ignore each other again. Surprisingly, they still had few harmless conversation on the hallways or library whenever they crossed path. Hanbin couldn’t deem them close enough to actually being friends but he considered that it was a huge improvement, especially on his part although it still took him few awkward encounters before he was able to talk to Dahyun as normal as he can do.

“I actually have a favor to ask, sunbae,” Dahyun opened up after they exchanged simple greetings. “There will be a classical music concert this Sunday on Gangnam..,” she paused as a slight blush a creeping on her cheeks, “I want to ask if it’s ok for you to come with me.”

It needed Hanbin a few seconds to grasp what Dahyun had told him. His eyes widen upon realization and he felt his face heating up even with the cool twilight wind.

_ Is she…? _

“It’s-It’s not something like that,” Dahyun exclaimed frantically with panicked hand gestures, “I mean, we have a research and essay paper coming up for Music Theory and Professor Park told us to check out the previous papers of the seniors. I happened to read yours and I like your research about the Correlation between Classical and Contemporary Music influence and—”

Hanbin chuckled despite of himself, making Dahyun stopped in mid sentence. 

“Dahyun-ie, it’s alright. I get it,” he assured not sure where he get the sudden burst of confidence. Not long ago, he was stuttering just to start a simple sentence in front of her.

She giggled embarrassedly that reminded Hanbin of his little sister before she apologized for babbling profusely. The only word that came to his mind to describe Dahyun that moment was cute.

“So… Sunday?” Hanbin prompted sounding like himself again, nervous and hesitant.

The corner of Dahyun’s lips curled instantaneously that made it hard for Hanbin not to gush. They discussed some minor details before they decided to exchange their numbers.

_ Is this how winning the lottery feels like? _

Hanbin was tucking his phone away when he caught someone on the corner of his eyes. It was Yunhyeong.

Their eyes locked in for a fleeting moment but it was enough to make Hanbin falter. Then the older guy turned around and messed up Chanwoo’s hair. Again, something clawed in him as he watched the two. Brief flares of the times when he remember his hyung used to do it to him flashed in front of his eyes. Hanbin wondered when was the last time he received that same gesture from Yunhyeong or if he will ever going to experience it again.

_ It’s not your fault, ok? _

Then why…?

_ That you don’t feel the same way. _

Then why does he feel this way?

“Sunbae?” 

The sound of Dahyun’s voice pulled Hanbin’s gaze back to his junior’s curious eyes. He forced himself to smile as bright as he did before even though his hands were balled into tight fists on his side.

Winning the lottery doesn’t feel so good anymore, Hanbin thought morosely.

***

The sidewalk was almost empty, there were a couple of other students passing by either in silence or in animated chatter, there was Yunhyeong half-distracted by his phone as he walk and there was Hanbin trailing behind his hyung at a distance.

Hanbin could call him out and jogged to him so they can walk together back to their apartment but after what just happened at school, he couldn’t push himself to do just that.

_ It’s not your fault, ok? _

Hanbin felt odd that he kept repeating Jinhwan’s words on his head. He was right. Whenever Hanbin think about it, he always found himself in agreement with what his hyung had said because no matter how hard he searched himself for a reason, he couldn’t come up with anything. You cannot force yourself to feel the same way just because someone likes you, right? He already believed with Jinhwan that it was not his fault. So, why does he need to keep reminding himself about it for him to not to be guilty.

_ That you don’t feel the same way. _

Then, there’s the dull ache on his chest every time he saw Yunhyeong and Chanwoo.

He stared pensively at Yunhyeong’s back and the distance that separated them as the light from the street lamps flickered into life, then Hanbin asked himself, if the price of being just best friends was this space between them.

Hanbin was so absorbed on his thoughts that when he turned to the corner of the street, he let out a small gasp when his gaze met Yunhyeong’s narrowed eyes.

“Are you just gonna follow me behind like that?”

“W-well…”

Silence stretched for far longer than Hanbin wanted but he still couldn’t think of some form of excuse. He dropped his gaze and scratched an imaginary itch at back of his head nervously.

“You see—”

“Hanbin-a,” Yunhyeong cut him off with a soft voice, “Stop it. Stop feeling guilty for me.”

_ Is it that obvious?  _

“You shouldn’t feel that way,” he heard Yunhyeong sighed, “It’s making me feel bad, you know. Remember this, ok? It’s not—”

“—my fault,” Hanbin finished for his hyung.

Yunhyeong gave him a faint smile. “Yes. So, don’t ever feel that way whenever you’re talking to Dahyun. You like her, don’t you?”

When Hanbin did not respond and Yunhyeong let him keep his silence with a chuckle. “Talk to her. Go on a date with her. Just do make what makes your heart flutter.”

Not too long ago, Hanbin kept assuring himself with what Jinhwan said. Now, Yunhyeong was saying the same thing to him. He was unsure on what does it make him feel because even though they said the same thing, Hanbin think that Jinhwan and Yunhyeong meant it in a different way.

“So you can finally have a girlfriend.”

The teasing tone on Yunhyeong’s voice snapped Hanbin out of his trance and he automatically scowled at his hyung and crossed his arms in defiance. Now, Hanbin was certain that his hyung was just making fun out of him.

“Oh, shut up, hyung.”

“Still same old bratty kid.”

Hanbin’s grimaced slowly dissolved into smile as he felt the familiar warmth of Yunhyeong’s hand on his hair.

“I miss this,” he whispered without thinking twice.

“Hmm?”

With his smile turned to a full-blown grin, Hanbin shook his head and said, “Nothing.”

With how his hyung stared at him thoughtfully for a moment before he cracked a smile as his arm circled around Hanbin’s shoulder, Hanbin knew Yunhyeong heard him the first time.

“Then let’s go home.”

As the cold wind swept upon them, Hanbin felt himself relaxing against Yunhyeong as they walk side by side like they always do throughout the years. The time might be different and the streets might change but Hanbin was so happy that the feeling in this kind moment with Yunhyeong remained the same.

“Yeah… home,” Hanbin murmured.

* * *


	12. First Snow

Hanbin had been in a very good mood since the day Dahyun asked him to accompany her at a music concert. It was only Friday, but he was already pumping with anticipation for what is about to happen on Sunday. It might be just a junior requesting for senior’s help to Dahyun but to Hanbin, it was a progress. The only thing he needed to do was to find Yunhyeong for this day to be done and over, so he could sleep off the night and the next day and just wake up on Sunday. They were having a basketball wrapped up meeting for their training camp early next year that is why he was sweeping the campus looking for his hyung. The earlier they could start the meeting, the earlier for this day to be over.

But all the excitement he has left him in a blink of an eye when he finally saw Yunhyeong, whom on that time was being smothered by Chanwoo with a hug out in the open for all the student to see. 

“What’s going on?” He asked in a deadly calm voice making the other two aware of his presence.

Yunhyeong was the first to react. Hanbin heard him say something to him but he only regarded him with a quick glance before he focused his glare back to Chanwoo whose arms still loosely draped around Yunhyeong.

“What’s going on?” He asked again.

Hanbin had the urge to just forcefully separate the two when Chanwoo just stared back at him with a confused expression, hating the fact that the he had been used to his glowering.It took Chanwoo a few seconds before he finally picked up the meaning behind his scowling face and he let go of Yunhyeong. Even so, Hanbin’s piercing stare never falter.

“Nothing. Chanwoo’s just being a big baby,” Yunhyeong answered for the two of them. Hanbin was totally displeased with the fond tone of his hyung’s voice more so when he ruffled Chanwoo’s hair. Yunhyeong turned to him, “What are you doing here? Are you looking for me?” He asked.

“We have a team meeting today, remember? Coach’s already waiting at the court,” was Hanbin’s terse reply as he glanced at Yunhyeong. 

“Is that today? I thought it’s on next Friday.”

“C’mon hyung, let’s go,” Hanbin said, ignoring the remark. He grabbed his hyung by his wrist and pulled him in. 

On that time, Hanbin did not know why he was only thinking of getting Yunhyeong away from Chanwoo as quickly as possible. He did not know why he was being so irrational and rude and why he doesn’t even care. He did not know why he was so relieved when he heard Yunhyeong said his goodbye. Most of all, Hanbin did not know why he was so furious, especially when Chanwoo hold them back by reaching out to Yunhyeong’s other hand.

It was good that Chanwoo was quick to let go and Hanbin instantly dragged Yunhyeong away before he could do something out of his unreasonable animosity towards the younger guy. 

“What’s on Sunday?” Hanbin asked as soon as they were out of earshot, pertaining to the last thing Yunhyeong said to Chanwoo before he towed him away.

“I’ll answer that if you tell me why are you so pissed off?”

Hanbin balked up a little. “What?”

Yunhyeong stopped, wiggling his wrist out of Hanbin’s hold and cocked his head. “What pissed you off today?”

Hanbin opened his mouth and clamped it shut quickly before he could correct the older guy for asking the wrong question. Because it’s not ‘what’, it should be, ‘who’.

***

“Sorry, sunbae.”

Hanbin blinked out of his stare at the falling snow when he heard the apologetic voice of Dahyun. She smiled shyly at his puzzled expression when he glanced at her.

“You must be thinking of someone you like.”

“What?”

Hanbin was baffled how Dahyun came to that conclusion. They were just watching the languid snow fall outside the building where they watched the classical concert. He looked at her incredulously, but she only giggled cutely at him as a response before she gazes at a distance.

“Sunbae looked so deep in thought a while ago like you’re remembering something,” Dahyun explained in a quiet voice. The amber glow of streetlights glittering with nostalgia on her eyes. “You must be thinking of being with someone you like. It’s the first snow after all. I apologize for dragging you today, Hanbin-sunbae,” Dahyun turned to him and bowed politely.

Panic and embarrassment automatically kicked in as Hanbin thought about how long had he looked lost with the snow that Dahyun assumed that he wished to be somewhere else. He waved off all Dahyun’s apologies and kept assuring her that she has nothing to be sorry about, that he was not thinking of being with someone he likes.

_ Because I’m already with someone I like. _

“But you really look like—”

Shaking his head, Hanbin instantly held his hand up to cut his hoobae off, “Dahyun-ie, I told you it’s not like that, ok?”

Dahyun peered at him for a moment and nodded with a nervous smile as she tucked some strands of her hair behind her ear.

“I just feel strange,” Hanbin began after a moment, wanting to clear out the awkward silence that befall upon them. “As far as I remember I’m always with Yunhyeong hyung every first snow.”

“Every year? With Yunhyeong sunbae?”

“Yeah. At first, we think that it’s just lucky coincidences, but it goes on every year, from middle school to high school until last year, like we needed to be together for the first snow to fall as Jinhwan hyung joked about it,” Hanbin paused, chuckling wistfully. He held out his hand in front him, feeling he was catching all those memories with every piece of snow that landed on his gloved hands, wondering if Yunhyeong had his hand held out too, thinking about the same thing as he was. “I guess that’s not the case anymore. It was just coincidences after all…”

The nearby sound of the traffic drowned their silence. The unknown weight of the Hanbin’s words seems to linger perpetually in the wintry air. Now that he had said it out loud, Hanbin realized he had been thinking about it from the start, as soon as he saw the first snowflake drifting lazily against lilac backdrop of twilight sky. It made him feel so disturbingly odd, like there was something amiss, like that exact moment was incomplete. 

_ You must be thinking of being with someone you like. It’s the first snow after all. _

_ But I’m already with someone that I like… _

Hanbin snapped back at thought. He slowly turns towards Dahyun, eerily perturbed how she became unusually quiet. She was not looking at him though, she seemed to be mulling over the things he said, her eyes peering at nothing at in the present but something in past.

Then it hit him. “It’s not like that. I’m not regretting agreeing to come with you. As I said, it is not your fault that it snowed today, ok?” Hanbin explained, flailing his arms in distress to quickly get his point across, slightly alarmed that Dahyun might take everything that he said in the wrong way again. “About what I said, it’s just a random thought that came to me…” Hanbin mentally kicked himself on how lame he sounded.

Dahyun lifted her head with a puzzled expression and look at Hanbin for a second before she laughed. Hanbin felt his cheeks heating up, embarrassed on how ridiculous and silly he must look that Dahyun cracked up.

“Where is Yunhyeong sunbae now then?” Hanbin heard Dahyun asked him as her laughter died down.

“He went out to—,” Hanbin caught himself when he remembered that Yunhyeong was out with Chanwoo to watch that stupid baseball game, “He had other plans,” he answered vaguely instead.

_ They might be still together now. _

Instant revulsion came to Hanbin with the idea of the Yunhyeong and Chanwoo together during the first snow. Hands unconsciously curling up to a fist, Hanbin felt like Chanwoo had stolen something again that should only belong to him and Yunhyeong.

_ It should be him. Only him. It should only be for the two of them. _

“Well, it’s still snowing,” Dahyun ambiguously pointed out, cutting Hanbin from his selfish thoughts, “You can still meet up with Yunhyeong sunbae, you know and it’s still technically first snow.”

Hanbin found himself blinking at the innocent suggestion before a sudden wave of guilt towards Dahyun washed over him. Here he was, with the girl he has been crushing on ever since the first time he laid his eyes on her and they were together on the first snow of the year, so he should be very happy, right? He was not a superstitious kind of guy, but this must mean something, right? His heart should be fluttering and there should be butterflies in his stomach. But there was nothing. Hanbin earnestly enjoyed spending time with Dahyun today though and he was happy. He really was.

_ Just not as happy as he thought he would be _ .

“I’m sorry,” was the only words that Hanbin could say. Dahyun must have been feeling uncomfortable, he kept on telling Dahyun that he was not thinking of someone else, that it wasn’t like that and, yet he talks about being with Yunhyeong on every first snow every year.

“Hmm? What for, sunbae?” Dahyun furrowed her delicate eyebrows at him with a confused expression grazing her cute and plump face, the same expression his sister always makes whenever there was something she didn’t understand. 

Hanbin chuckled as a thought came to him. He shook his head, deciding not to elaborate what was he apologizing for to Dahyun since she clearly seemed lost to Hanbin’s internal musings. Instead, he asked her, “What about you Dahyun-ie, shouldn’t you supposed be with someone you like too?”

“Me?” Dahyun pointed at herself, slowly looking up to Hanbin. She leaned closer and stared at him like she was searching for something on his eyes. “Sunbae, I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be today.”

There was a pregnant pause before Hanbin heard Dahyun giggling at his perplexed expression as if she finally found the thing she was looking for. She grinned sweetly at him, her eyes sparkling with knowing light that Hanbin could not decipher.

“And you should too.”

***

Hanbin was standing, arms crossed, outside their apartment building when he finally saw Yunhyeong. The moon was spying on them beneath the canopy of stony clouds with gentle radiance as with the numerous iridescent stellar lights. The streetlamps bathed the white laden pavement with faint glow of gold and the shadows of the falling snow swaying with an unsung melody playing on his ears.

From where he stood, it was only a silhouette that he could see but even with that only, he definitely knew it was Yunhyeong. Hanbin heaved a fogged breath obscuring his vision with wisp of gray for a fleeting second and when it cleared out Yunhyeong was standing under the tender rays of one of the lampposts. He was looking at Hanbin with an evident question on his face and Hanbin could not stop a smile blossoming on his lips. At that moment, his feet seemed to have a life of its own as it began to walk towards Yunhyeong and with every step, the scenes of every first snow they shared flash before his eyes until to the one he remembered the most.

_ “Hyung, I’m cold,” twelve-year-old Hanbin looked at Yunhyeong as he shivered and hugged himself. _

_ A fourteen-year-old Yunhyeong paused and turned to his dongsaeng, “Ya! I kept reminding you not to forget your scarf?” He eyed Hanbin in frustration before he sighed, “Come here, pabo.” _

_ Hanbin could only stare as Yunhyeong untangled his cerulean scarf and gingerly wrapped it around Hanbin’s neck. _

_ “Is it better now?” Yunhyeong asked him after giving the scarf a final pat. When Hanbin nodded in response, his hyung grinned at him and messed up his hair. _

_ They only made few steps when something cold fell on Hanbin’s forehead that made him stop. He lifted his head and look at the sky. There was nothing but gray clouds above so he lowered his gaze in confusion and met his hyung’s curious pair, who was standing a stride away from him. _

_ “What’s wrong?” _

_ Hanbin was about to answer but he was cut off when in broad daylight in the last day of November, little pieces of snow slowly descended upon them.  _

_ “First snow!” They both said in unison. They stared at each other’s wide eyes briefly and Hanbin would never forget how their face broke in to identical toothy grin. _

“Hanbin? What are you doing there?” Hanbin heard Yunhyeong asked him when he was only two steps away. “Are you waiting for me?”

The puzzled expression of Yunhyeong only brighten the smile on Hanbin’s face with his eyes never leaving his hyung’s dark orbs as the December night sky continue to shower them with its frozen tears. Hanbin finally sigh like when he put the last piece of the puzzle on its rightful place before he closes the remaining distance between them and engulf Yunhyeong in a tight yearning hug.

“Ya! What’s wrong with you?” Yunhyeong protested, struggling inside Hanbin’s arms but that only made Hanbin hold on to him tighter.

As Hanbin breathed in the familiar scent of Yunhyeong, he realized that this is the reason he was not as happy as he wanted to be when he was with Dahyun. This is why he had this persistent ache of incompleteness as the snow started to fall. This is why he was rushing home after taking Dahyun to her bus stop. This is why he was waiting in front of their building in a cold winter night when he learned that Yunhyeong was still not home. 

_ Because the first snow was theirs and theirs alone. _

And this…

_ Sunbae, I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be today, and you should too. _

…This is where he’s supposed to be.

* * *


	13. Supposed To Be

Hanbin had been in a very good mood since the day Dahyun asked him to accompany her at a music concert. It was only Friday, but he was already pumping with anticipation for what is about to happen on Sunday. It might be just a junior requesting for senior’s help to Dahyun but to Hanbin, it was a progress. The only thing he needed to do was to find Yunhyeong for this day to be done and over, so he could sleep off the night and the next day and just wake up on Sunday. They were having a basketball wrapped up meeting for their training camp early next year that is why he was sweeping the campus looking for his hyung. The earlier they could start the meeting, the earlier for this day to be over.

But all the excitement he has left him in a blink of an eye when he finally saw Yunhyeong, whom on that time was being smothered by Chanwoo with a hug out in the open for all the student to see.

“What’s going on?” He asked in a deadly calm voice making the other two aware of his presence.

Yunhyeong was the first to react. Hanbin heard him say something to him but he only regarded him with a quick glance before he focused his glare back to Chanwoo whose arms still loosely draped around Yunhyeong.

“What’s going on?” He asked again.

Hanbin had the urge to just forcefully separate the two when Chanwoo just stared back at him with a confused expression, hating the fact that the he had been used to his glowering. It took Chanwoo a few seconds before he finally picked up the meaning behind his scowling face and he let go of Yunhyeong. Even so, Hanbin’s piercing stare never falter.

“Nothing. Chanwoo’s just being a big baby,” Yunhyeong answered for the two of them. Hanbin was totally displeased with the fond tone of his hyung’s voice more so when he ruffled Chanwoo’s hair. Yunhyeong turned to him, “What are you doing here? Are you looking for me?” He asked.

“We have a team meeting today, remember? Coach’s already waiting at the court,” was Hanbin’s terse reply as he glanced at Yunhyeong.

“Is that today? I thought it’s on next Friday.”

“C’mon hyung, let’s go,” Hanbin said, ignoring the remark. He grabbed his hyung by his wrist and pulled him in.

On that time, Hanbin did not know why he was only thinking of getting Yunhyeong away from Chanwoo as quickly as possible. He did not know why he was being so irrational and rude and why he doesn’t even care. He did not know why he was so relieved when he heard Yunhyeong said his goodbye. Most of all, Hanbin did not know why he was so furious, especially when Chanwoo hold them back by reaching out to Yunhyeong’s other hand.

It was good that Chanwoo was quick to let go and Hanbin instantly dragged Yunhyeong away before he could do something out of his unreasonable animosity towards the younger guy. 

“What’s on Sunday?” Hanbin asked as soon as they were out of earshot, pertaining to the last thing Yunhyeong said to Chanwoo before he towed him away.

“I’ll answer that if you tell me why are you so pissed off?”

Hanbin balked up a little. “What?”

Yunhyeong stopped, wiggling his wrist out of Hanbin’s hold and cocked his head. “What pissed you off today?”

Hanbin opened his mouth and clamped it shut quickly before he could correct the older guy for asking the wrong question. Because it’s not ‘what’, it should be, ‘who’.

***

“Sorry, sunbae.”

Hanbin blinked out of his stare at the falling snow when he heard the apologetic voice of Dahyun. She smiled shyly at his puzzled expression when he glanced at her.

“You must be thinking of someone you like.”

“What?”

Hanbin was baffled how Dahyun came to that conclusion. They were just watching the languid snow fall outside the building where they watched the classical concert. He looked at her incredulously, but she only giggled cutely at him as a response before she gazes at a distance.

“Sunbae looked so deep in thought a while ago like you’re remembering something,” Dahyun explained in a quiet voice. The amber glow of streetlights glittering with nostalgia on her eyes. “You must be thinking of being with someone you like. It’s the first snow after all. I apologize for dragging you today, Hanbin-sunbae,” Dahyun turned to him and bowed politely.

Panic and embarrassment automatically kicked in as Hanbin thought about how long had he looked lost with the snow that Dahyun assumed that he wished to be somewhere else. He waved off all Dahyun’s apologies and kept assuring her that she has nothing to be sorry about, that he was not thinking of being with someone he likes.

Because I’m already with someone I like.

“But you really look like—”

Shaking his head, Hanbin instantly held his hand up to cut his hoobae off, “Dahyun-ie, I told you it’s not like that, ok?”

Dahyun peered at him for a moment and nodded with a nervous smile as she tucked some strands of her hair behind her ear.

“I just feel strange,” Hanbin began after a moment, wanting to clear out the awkward silence that befall upon them. “As far as I remember I’m always with Yunhyeong hyung every first snow.”

“Every year? With Yunhyeong sunbae?”

“Yeah. At first, we think that it’s just lucky coincidences, but it goes on every year, from middle school to high school until last year, like we needed to be together for the first snow to fall as Jinhwan hyung joked about it,” Hanbin paused, chuckling wistfully. He held out his hand in front him, feeling he was catching all those memories with every piece of snow that landed on his gloved hands, wondering if Yunhyeong had his hand held out too, thinking about the same thing as he was. “I guess that’s not the case anymore. It was just coincidences after all…”

The nearby sound of the traffic drowned their silence. The unknown weight of the Hanbin’s words seems to linger perpetually in the wintry air. Now that he had said it out loud, Hanbin realized he had been thinking about it from the start, as soon as he saw the first snowflake drifting lazily against lilac backdrop of twilight sky. It made him feel so disturbingly odd, like there was something amiss, like that exact moment was incomplete.

You must be thinking of being with someone you like. It’s the first snow after all.

But I’m already with someone that I like…

Hanbin snapped back at thought. He slowly turns towards Dahyun, eerily perturbed how she became unusually quiet. She was not looking at him though, she seemed to be mulling over the things he said, her eyes peering at nothing at in the present but something in past.

Then it hit him. “It’s not like that. I’m not regretting agreeing to come with you. As I said, it is not your fault that it snowed today, ok?” Hanbin explained, flailing his arms in distress to quickly get his point across, slightly alarmed that Dahyun might take everything that he said in the wrong way again. “About what I said, it’s just a random thought that came to me…” Hanbin mentally kicked himself on how lame he sounded.

Dahyun lifted her head with a puzzled expression and look at Hanbin for a second before she laughed. Hanbin felt his cheeks heating up, embarrassed on how ridiculous and silly he must look that Dahyun cracked up.

“Where is Yunhyeong sunbae now then?” Hanbin heard Dahyun asked him as her laughter died down.

“He went out to—,” Hanbin caught himself when he remembered that Yunhyeong was out with Chanwoo to watch that stupid baseball game, “He had other plans,” he answered vaguely instead.

They might be still together now.

Instant revulsion came to Hanbin with the idea of the Yunhyeong and Chanwoo together during the first snow. Hands unconsciously curling up to a fist, Hanbin felt like Chanwoo had stolen something again that should only belong to him and Yunhyeong.

It should be him. Only him. It should only be for the two of them.

“Well, it’s still snowing,” Dahyun ambiguously pointed out, cutting Hanbin from his selfish thoughts, “You can still meet up with Yunhyeong sunbae, you know and it’s still technically first snow.”

Hanbin found himself blinking at the innocent suggestion before a sudden wave of guilt towards Dahyun washed over him. Here he was, with the girl he has been crushing on ever since the first time he laid his eyes on her and they were together on the first snow of the year, so he should be very happy, right? He was not a superstitious kind of guy, but this must mean something, right? His heart should be fluttering and there should be butterflies in his stomach. But there was nothing. Hanbin earnestly enjoyed spending time with Dahyun today though and he was happy. He really was.

Just not as happy as he thought he would be.

“I’m sorry,” was the only words that Hanbin could say. Dahyun must have been feeling uncomfortable, he kept on telling Dahyun that he was not thinking of someone else, that it wasn’t like that and, yet he talks about being with Yunhyeong on every first snow every year.

“Hmm? What for, sunbae?” Dahyun furrowed her delicate eyebrows at him with a confused expression grazing her cute and plump face, the same expression his sister always makes whenever there was something she didn’t understand.

Hanbin chuckled as a thought came to him. He shook his head, deciding not to elaborate what was he apologizing for to Dahyun since she clearly seemed lost to Hanbin’s internal musings. Instead, he asked her, “What about you Dahyun-ie, shouldn’t you supposed be with someone you like too?”

“Me?” Dahyun pointed at herself, slowly looking up to Hanbin. She leaned closer and stared at him like she was searching for something on his eyes. “Sunbae, I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be today.”

There was a pregnant pause before Hanbin heard Dahyun giggling at his perplexed expression as if she finally found the thing she was looking for. She grinned sweetly at him, her eyes sparkling with knowing light that Hanbin could not decipher.

“And you should too.”

***

Hanbin was standing, arms crossed, outside their apartment building when he finally saw Yunhyeong. The moon was spying on them beneath the canopy of stony clouds with gentle radiance as with the numerous iridescent stellar lights. The streetlamps bathed the white laden pavement with faint glow of gold and the shadows of the falling snow swaying with an unsung melody playing on his ears.

From where he stood, it was only a silhouette that he could see but even with that only, he definitely knew it was Yunhyeong. Hanbin heaved a fogged breath obscuring his vision with wisp of gray for a fleeting second and when it cleared out Yunhyeong was standing under the tender rays of one of the lampposts. He was looking at Hanbin with an evident question on his face and Hanbin could not stop a smile blossoming on his lips. At that moment, his feet seemed to have a life of its own as it began to walk towards Yunhyeong and with every step, the scenes of every first snow they shared flash before his eyes until to the one he remembered the most.

“Hyung, I’m cold,” twelve-year-old Hanbin looked at Yunhyeong as he shivered and hugged himself.

A fourteen-year-old Yunhyeong paused and turned to his dongsaeng, “Ya! I kept reminding you not to forget your scarf?” He eyed Hanbin in frustration before he sighed, “Come here, pabo.”

Hanbin could only stare as Yunhyeong untangled his cerulean scarf and gingerly wrapped it around Hanbin’s neck.

“Is it better now?” Yunhyeong asked him after giving the scarf a final pat. When Hanbin nodded in response, his hyung grinned at him and messed up his hair.

They only made few steps when something cold fell on Hanbin’s forehead that made him stop. He lifted his head and look at the sky. There was nothing but gray clouds above so he lowered his gaze in confusion and met his hyung’s curious pair, who was standing a stride away from him.

“What’s wrong?”

Hanbin was about to answer but he was cut off when in broad daylight in the last day of November, little pieces of snow slowly descended upon them.

“First snow!” They both said in unison. They stared at each other’s wide eyes briefly and Hanbin would never forget how their face broke in to identical toothy grin.

“Hanbin? What are you doing there?” Hanbin heard Yunhyeong asked him when he was only two steps away. “Are you waiting for me?”

The puzzled expression of Yunhyeong only brighten the smile on Hanbin’s face with his eyes never leaving his hyung’s dark orbs as the December night sky continue to shower them with its frozen tears. Hanbin finally sigh like when he put the last piece of the puzzle on its rightful place before he closes the remaining distance between them and engulf Yunhyeong in a tight yearning hug.

“Ya! What’s wrong with you?” Yunhyeong protested, struggling inside Hanbin’s arms but that only made Hanbin hold on to him tighter.

As Hanbin breathed in the familiar scent of Yunhyeong, he realized that this is the reason he was not as happy as he wanted to be when he was with Dahyun. This is why he had this persistent ache of incompleteness as the snow started to fall. This is why he was rushing home after taking Dahyun to her bus stop. This is why he was waiting in front of their building in a cold winter night when he learned that Yunhyeong was still not home.

Because the first snow was theirs and theirs alone.

And this…

Sunbae, I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be today, and you should too.

…This is where he’s supposed to be.


	14. Lucky

Questions. Chanwoo’s mind was plague with questions the moment he opened his eyes the morning after he made the monumental realization that he had feelings for his hyung. It was a strange turn of events. One moment he was elated by happiness and drowned by the fluttering of his heart the night before, from when the sky was dimming and dropped the snow like a confetti until he laid to his bed and fell asleep with a stupid grin playing on his lips, but as he woke up, it all felt like a dream and now he needed to face reality. Maybe this is how it really goes, Chanwoo thought. Realization does not end confusion, it just gives birth to more questions and the first glaring question that he asked himself, as he blankly stare at the ceiling of his room, was – ‘Now what?’ and it’s just the top of his head.

What is he suppose to do now? What is he suppose to do with this feelings? Should Chanwoo tell Yunhyeong? He should, right? Maybe not now but if he wanted something to happen, he should confess. Does he want something to happen? How would he confess? Chanwoo is yet to admit his feelings to anyone but himself. Not that he never had a girlfriend, he had once but it never felt like a real relationship. It was more of they just both wanted to experience to be in one since most of their peers started dating. It does not apply to Yunhyeong. Chanwoo have genuine feelings to his hyung and more importantly Yunhyeong is not a girl. Does that bother him? He mulled over the thought of him liking a guy, repeatedly asking himself if he was fine with it. He was expecting that there should be at least some form of shock or denial on his part but he felt nothing like it was normal thing. Perhaps he did not know what to feel exactly about it or possibly because it was not just any other guy, it was Yunhyeong and to Chanwoo, he was special.

What about Yunhyeong? Is Chanwoo special to him? What does he feel about him? If ever Chanwoo found the courage to tell him about how he feel, would he accept it?

_ But Yunhyeong already loves someone else… _

The thought of Hanbin was like a slap to Chanwoo’s face and he couldn’t help but frown. How could he forget about him? To Chanwoo, Hanbin’s name made him feel a lot of things like fear, intimidation and respect but it never crossed his mind that bitterness would come along with it too. Hanbin seemed to be a huge impenetrable wall between Chanwoo and all the possibilities he could think about Yunhyeong. His heart ached at the thought. 

_ But then, Yunhyeong is moving on… _

Will he ever moved on though? Chanwoo was there and he knew how much Hanbin, despite being oblivious to it, can make Yunhyeong feel, right from the moment he met his hyung for the first time at that grocery store to the time he saw Yunhyeong broke down on their basketball game. He witnessed it all, the wishful look, shifting eyes, the sunny smiles, the fake ones, the laughter, the pretensions, the breakdown, the yearning gaze and all the tears streaming down Yunhyeong’s face. How could Chanwoo compete to that? And if ever Yunhyeong finally managed to move on, will Chanwoo have a chance?

_ Is this how Yunhyeong felt after he realized his feelings to Hanbin? _

_ Is this what yearning is? _

He knew he was overthinking things but he never predicted that his relationship with Yunhyeong will be much more complicated than a simple friendship. Chanwoo sighed heavily as he get up from his bed and asked himself again.

_ What to do now? _

***

Three days.

It has been three days since Chanwoo started to avoid Yunhyeong. He did not know how he come up with the idea but it somehow turned out like that. Although, avoiding was not accurately the right word, it’s better to say that Chanwoo was discreetly distancing himself to Yunhyeong. He think it would clear some of his thoughts and see things differently at length when there was some little space between them. So far, it was not as conducive as he wanted it to be, because he felt bad doing that to his hyung and that, he misses Yunhyeong’s company terribly.

“Ya! Jung Chanwoo!” 

Chanwoo stop dead on his tracks and slowly wheeled around. He was greeted by Yunhyeong’s scowling face. He raised his hand send him an awkward wave. “Hi hyung,” he said with a sheepish smile.

“You said you have a late lecture at Science Hall.” Yunhyeong pointed out and crossed his arms, ignoring the pleasantries. “As far as I know, Science hall is at the opposite end of the campus.”

“W-well, it got cancelled?”

“Really?” Yunhyeong gave him a dry look. Chanwoo heard him release a long string of air when he avoided his gaze. “Are you avoiding me, Chanwoo-ya?”

“Me? Why would I do that?” Chanwoo replied still shying away from his senior’s accusatory stare. In his defense, it is true that the lecture got cancelled earlier. He just left that fact unsaid when his hyung asked.

“You tell me.”

Chanwoo remained tight-lipped, fidgeting stiffly but rooted on his spot as it was the question he had been carefully dodging for the past few days. Heavy tension loomed over them like dark clouds and Chanwoo blamed himself that it ended up like this but all those question continuously muddling his thinking, confusing him and backing him up to some dark corner of his mind.

“Did I… did I do something wrong?”

The tentativeness in Yunhyeong’s voice finally made him perk up and raise his eyes, only to see the anxious look on his hyung’s face. Chanwoo immediately feel ashamed for making the older guy think like he made some form of mistake when he did nothing wrong. It was Chanwoo who feel this way and even though he was not sure about everything else, he was certain with one thing – this was not a mistake.

“I’m sorry. If I ever—”

“That’s not it, hyung,” Chanwoo cut him off gently, “Please don’t apologize. I was just…” He trailed off not knowing what more to say without giving something out to the older guy. He knew he was being unfair but he really don’t know what to do or how to act around him now that he started seeing him differently. Making excuses was always an option but he doesn’t want to lie anymore so, he just looked at Yunhyeong with a pleading eyes, hoping for him to let it slide for now, and settled with a soft, “I’m sorry.”

_ I’m sorry for being afraid. I’m sorry for avoiding you. I’m sorry for not knowing what to say. _

They stared at each other for a moment, letting the silence speak all those unspoken words and ask all the unspoken questions. It was only after he heard Yunhyeong lightly say, “Ok” with a muted sigh, that Chanwoo finally release the breath that he did not know he had been holding.

“But Chanwoo-ya, you know you can tell me, right?” Yunhyeong reminded him with a emphatic smile. “Whatever it is, I’ll listen and if it’s a problem, I’ll help you, ok?”

_ If Chanwoo told him about his feeling, would he still help him? _

Chanwoo returned the smile with a nod.

“So, please stop with the lame excuses.”

They eyed at each other for a moment before chuckling at the remark, easing up the tension. Then Yunhyeong approach him and ruffled his hair and looked into his eyes as if telling him not to worry and he will be there to listen to him when he felt ready. Chanwoo felt his heart swelled in gratitude and he suddenly became very aware how much he missed this gesture even in just a span of three days.

Chanwoo realized, as he relish the warmth of Yunhyeong’s hand on his head, that for now, maybe this should be simply enough. He should not think about the things he supposed to do or how should he supposed to act or worry about what could have or might have happen. Perhaps the best thing Chanwoo can do, for now, was to simply stay by Yunhyeong’s side like he always did.

***

“Do you want to do something? We could go to a PC room and play online games.” 

Chanwoo glanced at Yunhyeong incredulously, slightly caught off-guard with the suggestion. They were now halfway on the school ground towards the main gate.

“What’s with that look?” Yunhyeong asked him warily.

“Nothing,” Chanwoo answered with a smirk, “I just remembered what you said that you’ll never play online games with me again. Breaking your own promise now, hyung?”

“Ya! Do you have to bring that up?”

Yunhyeong’s indignant response made Chanwoo laugh light-heartedly. He went on teasing the older guy on how he should be a man and be true to his words.

“I was just being nice,” Yunhyeong said with pout and Chanwoo felt himself blush when the first thought that came to his when he saw it was how cute the older guy looked. “It’s my last day here, you know.”

Chanwoo’s head snapped back to face his hyung, “What?”

“What do you mean what?” Yunhyeong chuckled at his perplexed expression. “I mean, next week’s already Christmas break and I don’t have classes starting tomorrow.” The older guy then told him that he will be going back home tomorrow since his family was planning to spend the holidays at his grandparents place.

Chanwoo mentally kicked himself for being caught up with his stupidity for the past days that he had forgotten that this week was their last week of school. Now he only had today to spend time with  his hyung and he would not get to see him until the classes resume next year.

“Is that a frown I see? Does my donsaeng will miss his favorite hyung?” Yunhyeong teased back as he poked Chanwoo’s plump cheeks playfully.

Instantly turning beet red, Chanwoo swatted Yunhyeong’s hand from his face and look away. “Who told you I’ll miss you?” He muttered weakly.

“You’re face,” was all Yunhyeong said before he burst into laughter.

Chanwoo could only to watch Yunhyeong’s body shook in happiness in the expense of his embarrassment. Not that what his hyung said was not true because it was. He could not just admit it out loud.

It took a while before the senior of the two calmed down. He called to Chanwoo, making glance at him with a slight glare.

“Well, even if it’s just few weeks and even if you don’t miss me, I’ll still miss you though,” Yunhyeong said.

“How can you say such embarrassing things, hyung?” Chanwoo force himself to look irate at what his hyung said even though his heart almost leaped out of his chest and his ears were burning hot.

Yunhyeong shrugged it off with a grin and put his arm around Chanwoo’s shoulder. “C’mon, let’s go play some games.”

They just made a couple of steps when the two of them suddenly froze when they saw Hanbin and Dahyun from a distance with Hanbin giving a small box that seemed like a gift to the freshman. Chanwoo’s eyes automatically veered back to Yunhyeong and was taken aback with what he saw.

“Hyung, you’re smiling.”

Yunhyeong paused and glanced at him, blinking at him a couple of times. He looked surprised himself as his hand gingerly trace the curve of lips to his cheek.

_ Soon, I know… I can look at them with a smile on my face… _

“Am I?” Yunhyeong said, his gaze softening in confirmation.

At that moment, Chanwoo felt a little spark of hope on his chest. He could not stop his mind on thinking that maybe somehow he could have a chance, that maybe Yunhyeong might have accept the fact that Hanbin would never return his feelings, that maybe Yunhyeong finally moved on, that maybe Yunhyeong will see him in a different light and that maybe Yunhyeong would finally realize that Chanwoo was the one who had been there all along.

_ “Whoever the person you fall in love with will be so lucky, Chanwoo-ya,”  _

With a wistful glance, Chanwoo wondered, if in that exact place and time he possessed the needed courage and told Yunhyeong that he is the one he fell in love with, would he feel lucky still?

* * *


	15. Night Sky

Chapter 15 Night Sky

It was two in the morning and yet Hanbin was still wide awake. It was not unusual for him to still be up at this time. He always stays up late thinking about his music or writing songs however this time he was not busy composing or doing any of those things, his mind kept replaying the events that transpired this afternoon. Hanbin’s thoughts kept on repeating from the moment he was giving Dahyun his gift, a box of hair ties he thought would suit her, to the moment he saw Yunhyeong with Chanwoo. He kept on pondering on how Yunhyeong just waved and smiled at them, giving Hanbin a thumbs up and not-so-subtle wink like he was doing a good job, instead of being frozen on his spot every time he would saw the two of them together. He wondered why he was disappointed by it, why he was upset about Yunhyeong’s reaction, why he felt sad on the way Yunhyeong’s eyes look at him now and why Hanbin was now the one left frozen on his spot when he saw how Yunhyeong and Chanwoo smiled at each other like they were sharing something Hanbin was not a part of.

“Sunbae,” Hanbin remembered Dahyun calling his attention back that time and how with a tap on his shoulder, she said in her soft calming voice while looking at him with some sort of conviction, “Go.”

Hanbin didn’t need to be told twice. He instantly shoots off and chase after the two. He remembered the confused look on their face when he announced that he will be coming with them to play games. He won’t forget how he felt smug on how Chanwoo looked disgruntled especially when Hanbin insinuated himself in between them. It was not like he was also fond of the idea, but Hanbin felt much better to be next to the younger guy than Yunhyeong and Chanwoo next to each other.

The three of them went on awkwardly like that up until to the pc room with Hanbin making it his mission to come in between anything Yunhyeong and Chanwooo did, even in the games they played, even with the three of them were in the same team. It was just too bad that it turned out that Chanwoo was so good on every game that they tried and Hanbin was not. He was so annoyed on how Yunhyeong had teased him every time his character died easily or when he caught Chanwoo discreetly smiling at his humiliation or the proud look that his hyung gave the youngest of them whenever he carried the game for them. He hated the fact that, on that time, he felt so out of place as if it was part his hyung to which he was not included. He never felt that way whenever he was with Yunhyeong. He never did, until this afternoon.

Why does he feel this way?

Why is he about to lose a night sleep because of this?

And why does he want Yunhyeong’s attention at two in the morning just to tell him that it was nothing?

As all the question and thoughts came to him, Hanbin slowly crawled out of his bed and tip-toed over Yunhyeong’s room. He didn’t know why he ended up to doing that. All he knew that time was wanting to see his hyung, wanting to be with his hyung. As he stood there at Yunhyeong’s room, silently watching the peaceful face of the older guy, he remembered it had always been like this, Hanbin coming to his room whenever he couldn’t fall asleep.

“Hyung,” Hanbin softly whispered to the sleeping guy brushing the strands of hair covering his forehead. “Yunhyeong-hyung.”

Yunhyeong shifted slightly before his eyes cracked open a little. “Hanbin?” He groggily asked and sneak a glance at the red numbers of the digital clock at his night stand. “It’s two in the morning.”

“I couldn’t sleep.”

Rubbing his eyes, Yunhyeong stared at Hanbin in the dimness of his room. “Again?” He groaned but pushed himself out of the bed. “C’mon I’ll make you a drink.”

Hanbin felt himself relaxed. He sighed and let himself be dragged by Yunhyeong out of his room and to the kitchen. He was glad that this little moment they shared remained the same, that Yunhyeong still remember it, that he would still make Hanbin a drink and stayed up with him until he could fall asleep.

“What is it now? Are you writing music again?” Yunhyeong sat on the chair next to him, giving Hanbin a glass of milk. “You know it’s almost school break. You don’t need to push yourself too much.”

Hanbin stared the hot beverage in front of him. “I know,” he mumbled.

“Then why?”

Hanbin lifted the glass to his mouth and took a sip, leaving the question hanging for a while. He glanced at his hyung who was staring at him in mild curiosity in his heavy eyes.

“I’m not writing anything. I just have some things on my mind.”

Propping his head on his arms on the table and facing Hanbin sideways, Yunhyeong yawned. “Like?”

“You.”

Hanbin didn’t know what came to him to impulsively say that. He did not dare to look at the guy beside him, not ready to see the expression on his face. He almost thought that Yunhyeong would never say anything else that but then his weak, sleep-deprived voice shattered the silence that stretched between them.

“Why would you think about me?”

Hanbin took a long gulp from his glass before he found the courage to lower his gaze to the guy beside him only to find his eyes closed and mouth slightly agape. Hanbin sighed, smiling softly at Yunhyeong’s sleeping form. He moved his chair closer to his hyung and imitated his position. He leaned closer, resting his head on one of his arms and facing the older guy sideways. He wondered why just looking at Yunhyeong made him feel calm and warm. He stared at Yunhyeong carefully like he was memorizing every detail of his face. He wanted to remember everything of it before his hyung leave for home tomorrow. He wanted to remember everything of this moment.

“I’m also asking myself why I’m thinking about you…” Hanbin whispered. He lifted a finger and gently touch Yunhyeong’s forehead. Slowly, his finger glided like a feather to Yunhyeong’s nose…

“I’m thinking why I am feeling like this.”

To his plump lips…

“I’m thinking why I wanted your attention at this ungodly hour.”

To his chin…

“I’m thinking if you’re dreaming of me right now.”

Hanbin stared at the face the of the sleeping guy next to him as his eyes grew heavy until it finally fluttered close.

***

Jinhwan stood soundlessly at the edge of the doorway of the kitchen, just exactly where the light and the shadow met. He woke up thirsty, so he trudged wearily to get himself a glass of water but then he was surprised on what he found in the kitchen. Jinhwan saw Hanbin and Yunhyeong. He witnessed how Hanbin leaned closer to Yunhyeong, how Hanbin was mumbling some things, how he was tracing the outline of Yunhyeong’s face. Jinhwan smiled faintly at the scene before him for it brought him back to the same scene few years back. It brought him back to the same scenario but during that time it was Yunhyeong who leaned closer, it was Yunhyeong who was mumbling things, it was Yunhyeong who was tracing the outline of Hanbin’s face.

With his thirst slightly forgotten, Jinhwan gingerly crept back to his room, not wanting to alert the two of his presence. He was hoping for only one thing for his best friends. He hoped that it was not too late for the two of them.

***

There was a vagrant light ray seeping through the curtain. Crisp air blew in a slow erratic whisper from the small crack of the window left ajar the night before. The small clock which reads fifteen minutes shy of six o’clock from the bedside table chirping in a soft analog tick. It was still early for Hanbin to be awake but today he laid on the distinct comfort of his own bed, eyes scanning the familiar surrounding of his childhood room, inhaling the scent of old books and music sheets he grew accustomed to. There was a faint rustling of fabric and skin as he put a hand over his chest. He closed his eyes and listened to the gentle beat underneath the layers of cotton clothing and bones. As he breathes in a gasp of air, he slowly opened his eyes and looked around the room again as if to confirm something. Everything was exactly the same as when his sleepy gaze wandered for the first time that morning, everything was different.

Hanbin sat on his bed, taking in the nostalgia of his room. There were the same gray walls that surrounds him, the dusty old toys he hasn’t laid his hands on for a long while, the wooden cabinet, his first piano, his study table and the few pictures that hang in the wall. It was the same as yesterday or the day before that or when he first came home for the school break so Hanbin wondered why it felt like he was looking at them for the first time. It seemed that everything was glistening with a new light, like something has shifted in all the things surrounding him, like something has shifted in him. He kept asking himself why but all he could remember was the phone call from last night, the static buzz, the indistinct snoring on the other line, and how he listened to it until he fell asleep himself.

All that Hanbin was certain of on the last morning of the year, he knew something now he didn’t before.

***

On the last morning of the year, Yunhyeong woke up a little later than he normally does. He woke up with a different feeling of lightness from what he was used to. So, he laid there on his bed he grew up too not bothered that it was late, not caring that he was supposed to be up now as he planned the night before. He laid there, basking the stillness of his room, the sunlight ricocheting from his window sill, the bustling noise that he was certain coming from the kitchen where he knew his father and mother was busy preparing for their breakfast. He laid there taking the inexplicable peacefulness within.

It was only when he there was a knock and his sister’s head, Eunjin, peeked from his door calling him for breakfast that snapped Yunhyeong out of the trance. He shoots his sister with a sunny smile and greeted her before he pushed himself out of the bed and went straight to door. His sister watched him with curiosity as she stepped back from the doorway.

“What?” Yunhyeong asked her, stretching out his arms.

Eunjin shook her head and smiled at him. “It’s just that you didn’t fix your bed yet.”

“Oh, that?” Yunhyeong shrugged nonchalantly, “I’ll get to it later. C’mon, I’m starving.”

For a second, Eunjin looked like she was about to say something but decided against it and chuckled. Yunhyeong took her by the hand and made their way to the kitchen with a small talk. They were on the end of the hallway when Yunhyeong suddenly stopped as he caught a glimpse of his reflection in a small mirror hanging in the wall.

“Oppa?”

Yunhyeong tore his eyes away from the mirror and glanced at his sister. “What did you say?”

“I asked if you’re going to meet Jinhwan-oppa and Hanbin-oppa later. You guys always meet up on New Year’s Eve, right?”

Pausing for a moment, he mulled over the question, remembering their plan and Hanbin’s phone call last night. His eyes wandered back to the mirror; he watched his reflection smile back at him with his eyes brimming with something he hadn’t seen for quite a while.

“Yeah,” Yunhyeong said.

***

Few hours before the end of the current year and the beginning of the new one, Hanbin finally saw Yunhyeong for the first time after the school break. His hyung was already at their meeting place, waiting for him. He was standing under one of the streetlamps, looking exceptionally good beneath those layers of winter clothing. Hanbin couldn’t help but stare at the older guy. He couldn’t help but noticed how his skin glowed under the amber lights or how his hair grew a little longer and how he wanted to run his fingers through them.

As Hanbin come closer and closer to Yunhyeong, he felt his heart beat picked up its pace for every step he took. He was only a few strides from his hyung when he finally took notice of him, perking up and turning to his direction with an excited smile and small wave.

“Hello.”

Hanbin never imagined how a simple greeting can make him feel like this, like home.

***

When Yunhyeong saw Hanbin, the first thought that came to him was that he looked different, he looked like someone else. There was this wonder on his eyes that he knew he had seen before. But as quickly as the thought came to him, he brushed it off for now and turned to the younger guy and greeted him with a smile.

“Hello, hyung,” was Hanbin’s soft reply.

They stared at each other for a moment before they both chuckled at their awkwardness.

“C’mon let’s stroll around and eat something.”

“What about Jinhwan hyung?”

Yunhyeong shrugged. “Said he’ll be late.”

They walk around the block in comfortable silence and small talks on mundane things like how their holiday went or how their school break will soon end. They ate some street foods to which Yunhyeong cracked up when Hanbin almost lost it with the spicy tteokboki. They went on like that trying things for the first time or trying things they used to do. They laughed and teased each other about petty things. They lost track of time or somehow it just became irrelevant.

Yunhyeong glanced at Hanbin, who seemed lost looking at a fish tank at one of the stalls they were currently in, he took notice again of the look of childish wonder on Hanbin’s face. Then he came to remember where he had seen those before. It was the same look he had when they were just kids playing on a field, or when they were catching fireflies or when they were flying kites. It was during the time that they were careless of the world, it was during the time where everything was normal, the time before everything changes.

“Hanbin-a,” Yunhyeong called out, “We should go. The fireworks show will start soon.”

As Hanbin trudged towards him begrudgingly, groaning and muttering some gibberish about the fish, Yunhyeong realized that he was looking at Hanbin the same again and not differently the way he used to do. Now, he was looking at him just like a best friend would do…

And nothing else.

***

There were only few minutes before the year starts anew. The center of the town was bustling with the excited crowd waiting for the annual firework show. There were group of friends, family, couples and just at the edge of the throng stood Hanbin and Yunhyeong.

“Is Jinhwan hyung not coming?” Hanbin asked, scanning the crowd around them. “The show’s gonna start.”

As if on cue, both of their phones vibrated as they received a text message from Jinhwan telling them that he couldn’t make it and they should just meet him at his house after the show.

Putting back his phone to his pocket, Yunhyeong glanced at him. “It looks like it would just be the two of us then.”

“Yeah,” Hanbin mumbled.

They both fell silent after that exchange and lifted their gaze to the jet-black night sky because for any moment the shows going to start. A few second passed anticipatingly before the crowd broke into the countdown of the final seconds of the year. As their voice grew louder, Hanbin felt himself being brought back to each of the years they had before. From the time they were so young that they needed their parents to bring them there until the time they were old enough to be left alone.

Five…

Hanbin averted his gaze from the sky and watched Yunhyeong from the corner of his eyes.

Four…

Hanbin felt the corner of his twitched up as Yunhyeong did so.

Three…

Hanbin marveled how could he missed this all this time.

Two…

Hanbin could hear the beating of his heart.

One…

The stark darkness of the night sky was decorated with multitudes of vibrant colors of the fireworks like a canvass splashed with different kind of paints. The crowd broke into cheers, celebration and exchanging greetings like music and lyrics.

As Hanbin watched the orange, yellow and green hues lit up Yunhyeong’s smiling face, he finally had the answer to all those questions of what and why. From his mouth escaped three soft words that were drowned by everyone else, “I love you.”

Yunhyeong glanced at him, blinking. “Did you say something?”

Hanbin was tempted to say it again right then but he ended up shaking his head. “I said, Happy New Year, hyung,” he said instead.

Yunhyeong greeted him back. He looked into his eyes for a moment as if he was contemplating something before, he smiled and ruffled his hair. “Let’s start again this year, ok?”

Blinded by his emotion, Hanbin took the request differently and nodded vigorously, unknown to the real meaning behind those words, that on the same time that he realized he love Yunhyeong for all this time, Yunhyeong had finally let him go.

Chapter 15 Night Sky

It was two in the morning and yet Hanbin was still wide awake. It was not unusual for him to still be up at this time. He always stays up late thinking about his music or writing songs however this time he was not busy composing or doing any of those things, his mind kept replaying the events that transpired this afternoon. Hanbin’s thoughts kept on repeating from the moment he was giving Dahyun his gift, a box of hair ties he thought would suit her, to the moment he saw Yunhyeong with Chanwoo. He kept on pondering on how Yunhyeong just waved and smiled at them, giving Hanbin a thumbs up and not-so-subtle wink like he was doing a good job, instead of being frozen on his spot every time he would saw the two of them together. He wondered why he was disappointed by it, why he was upset about Yunhyeong’s reaction, why he felt sad on the way Yunhyeong’s eyes look at him now and why Hanbin was now the one left frozen on his spot when he saw how Yunhyeong and Chanwoo smiled at each other like they were sharing something Hanbin was not a part of.

“Sunbae,” Hanbin remembered Dahyun calling his attention back that time and how with a tap on his shoulder, she said in her soft calming voice while looking at him with some sort of conviction, “Go.”

Hanbin didn’t need to be told twice. He instantly shoots off and chase after the two. He remembered the confused look on their face when he announced that he will be coming with them to play games. He won’t forget how he felt smug on how Chanwoo looked disgruntled especially when Hanbin insinuated himself in between them. It was not like he was also fond of the idea, but Hanbin felt much better to be next to the younger guy than Yunhyeong and Chanwoo next to each other.

The three of them went on awkwardly like that up until to the pc room with Hanbin making it his mission to come in between anything Yunhyeong and Chanwooo did, even in the games they played, even with the three of them were in the same team. It was just too bad that it turned out that Chanwoo was so good on every game that they tried and Hanbin was not. He was so annoyed on how Yunhyeong had teased him every time his character died easily or when he caught Chanwoo discreetly smiling at his humiliation or the proud look that his hyung gave the youngest of them whenever he carried the game for them. He hated the fact that, on that time, he felt so out of place as if it was part his hyung to which he was not included. He never felt that way whenever he was with Yunhyeong. He never did, until this afternoon.

_ Why does he feel this way? _

_ Why is he about to lose a night sleep because of this? _

_ And why does he want Yunhyeong’s attention at two in the morning just to tell him that it was nothing? _

As all the question and thoughts came to him, Hanbin slowly crawled out of his bed and tip-toed over Yunhyeong’s room. He didn’t know why he ended up to doing that. All he knew that time was wanting to see his hyung, wanting to be with his hyung. As he stood there at Yunhyeong’s room, silently watching the peaceful face of the older guy, he remembered it had always been like this, Hanbin coming to his room whenever he couldn’t fall asleep.

“Hyung,” Hanbin softly whispered to the sleeping guy brushing the strands of hair covering his forehead. “Yunhyeong-hyung.”

Yunhyeong shifted slightly before his eyes cracked open a little. “Hanbin?” He groggily asked and sneak a glance at the red numbers of the digital clock at his night stand. “It’s two in the morning.”

“I couldn’t sleep.”

Rubbing his eyes, Yunhyeong stared at Hanbin in the dimness of his room. “Again?” He groaned but pushed himself out of the bed. “C’mon I’ll make you a drink.”

Hanbin felt himself relaxed. He sighed and let himself be dragged by Yunhyeong out of his room and to the kitchen. He was glad that this little moment they shared remained the same, that Yunhyeong still remember it, that he would still make Hanbin a drink and stayed up with him until he could fall asleep.

“What is it now? Are you writing music again?” Yunhyeong sat on the chair next to him, giving Hanbin a glass of milk. “You know it’s almost school break. You don’t need to push yourself too much.”

Hanbin stared the hot beverage in front of him. “I know,” he mumbled.

“Then why?”

Hanbin lifted the glass to his mouth and took a sip, leaving the question hanging for a while. He glanced at his hyung who was staring at him in mild curiosity in his heavy eyes. 

“I’m not writing anything. I just have some things on my mind.”

Propping his head on his arms on the table and facing Hanbin sideways, Yunhyeong yawned. “Like?”

“You.”

Hanbin didn’t know what came to him to impulsively say that. He did not dare to look at the guy beside him, not ready to see the expression on his face. He almost thought that Yunhyeong would never say anything else that but then his weak, sleep-deprived voice shattered the silence that stretched between them.

“Why would you think about me?”

Hanbin took a long gulp from his glass before he found the courage to lower his gaze to the guy beside him only to find his eyes closed and mouth slightly agape. Hanbin sighed, smiling softly at Yunhyeong’s sleeping form. He moved his chair closer to his hyung and imitated his position. He leaned closer, resting his head on one of his arms and facing the older guy sideways. He wondered why just looking at Yunhyeong made him feel calm and warm. He stared at Yunhyeong carefully like he was memorizing every detail of his face. He wanted to remember everything of it before his hyung leave for home tomorrow. He wanted to remember everything of this moment.

“I’m also asking myself why I’m thinking about you…” Hanbin whispered. He lifted a finger and gently touch Yunhyeong’s forehead. Slowly, his finger glided like a feather to Yunhyeong’s nose…

“I’m thinking why I am feeling like this.”

To his plump lips…

“I’m thinking why I wanted your attention at this ungodly hour.”

To his chin…

“I’m thinking if you’re dreaming of me right now.”

Hanbin stared at the face the of the sleeping guy next to him as his eyes grew heavy until it finally fluttered close.

***

Jinhwan stood soundlessly at the edge of the doorway of the kitchen, just exactly where the light and the shadow met. He woke up thirsty, so he trudged wearily to get himself a glass of water but then he was surprised on what he found in the kitchen. Jinhwan saw Hanbin and Yunhyeong. He witnessed how Hanbin leaned closer to Yunhyeong, how Hanbin was mumbling some things, how he was tracing the outline of Yunhyeong’s face. Jinhwan smiled faintly at the scene before him for it brought him back to the same scene few years back. It brought him back to the same scenario but during that time it was Yunhyeong who leaned closer, it was Yunhyeong who was mumbling things, it was Yunhyeong who was tracing the outline of Hanbin’s face.

With his thirst slightly forgotten, Jinhwan gingerly crept back to his room, not wanting to alert the two of his presence. He was hoping for only one thing for his best friends. He hoped that it was not too late for the two of them.

***

There was a vagrant light ray seeping through the curtain. Crisp air blew in a slow erratic whisper from the small crack of the window left ajar the night before. The small clock which reads fifteen minutes shy of six o’clock from the bedside table chirping in a soft analog tick. It was still early for Hanbin to be awake but today he laid on the distinct comfort of his own bed, eyes scanning the familiar surrounding of his childhood room, inhaling the scent of old books and music sheets he grew accustomed to. There was a faint rustling of fabric and skin as he put a hand over his chest. He closed his eyes and listened to the gentle beat underneath the layers of cotton clothing and bones. As he breathes in a gasp of air, he slowly opened his eyes and looked around the room again as if to confirm something. Everything was exactly the same as when his sleepy gaze wandered for the first time that morning, everything was different.

Hanbin sat on his bed, taking in the nostalgia of his room. There were the same gray walls that surrounds him, the dusty old toys he hasn’t laid his hands on for a long while, the wooden cabinet, his first piano, his study table and the few pictures that hang in the wall. It was the same as yesterday or the day before that or when he first came home for the school break so Hanbin wondered why it felt like he was looking at them for the first time. It seemed that everything was glistening with a new light, like something has shifted in all the things surrounding him, like something has shifted in him. He kept asking himself why but all he could remember was the phone call from last night, the static buzz, the indistinct snoring on the other line, and how he listened to it until he fell asleep himself.

All that Hanbin was certain of on the last morning of the year, he knew something now he didn’t before.

***

On the last morning of the year, Yunhyeong woke up a little later than he normally does. He woke up with a different feeling of lightness from what he was used to. So, he laid there on his bed he grew up too not bothered that it was late, not caring that he was supposed to be up now as he planned the night before. He laid there, basking the stillness of his room, the sunlight ricocheting from his window sill, the bustling noise that he was certain coming from the kitchen where he knew his father and mother was busy preparing for their breakfast. He laid there taking the inexplicable peacefulness within.

It was only when he there was a knock and his sister’s head, Eunjin, peeked from his door calling him for breakfast that snapped Yunhyeong out of the trance. He shoots his sister with a sunny smile and greeted her before he pushed himself out of the bed and went straight to door. His sister watched him with curiosity as she stepped back from the doorway.

“What?” Yunhyeong asked her, stretching out his arms.

Eunjin shook her head and smiled at him. “It’s just that you didn’t fix your bed yet.”

“Oh, that?” Yunhyeong shrugged nonchalantly, “I’ll get to it later. C’mon, I’m starving.”

For a second, Eunjin looked like she was about to say something but decided against it and chuckled. Yunhyeong took her by the hand and made their way to the kitchen with a small talk. They were on the end of the hallway when Yunhyeong suddenly stopped as he caught a glimpse of his reflection in a small mirror hanging in the wall.

“Oppa?”

Yunhyeong tore his eyes away from the mirror and glanced at his sister. “What did you say?”

“I asked if you’re going to meet Jinhwan-oppa and Hanbin-oppa later. You guys always meet up on New Year’s Eve, right?”

Pausing for a moment, he mulled over the question, remembering their plan and Hanbin’s phone call last night. His eyes wandered back to the mirror; he watched his reflection smile back at him with his eyes brimming with something he hadn’t seen for quite a while. 

“Yeah,” Yunhyeong said.

***

Few hours before the end of the current year and the beginning of the new one, Hanbin finally saw Yunhyeong for the first time after the school break. His hyung was already at their meeting place, waiting for him. He was standing under one of the streetlamps, looking exceptionally good beneath those layers of winter clothing. Hanbin couldn’t help but stare at the older guy. He couldn’t help but noticed how his skin glowed under the amber lights or how his hair grew a little longer and how he wanted to run his fingers through them.

As Hanbin come closer and closer to Yunhyeong, he felt his heart beat picked up its pace for every step he took. He was only a few strides from his hyung when he finally took notice of him, perking up and turning to his direction with an excited smile and small wave.

“Hello.”

Hanbin never imagined how a simple greeting can make him feel like this, like home.

***

When Yunhyeong saw Hanbin, the first thought that came to him was that he looked different, he looked like someone else. There was this wonder on his eyes that he knew he had seen before. But as quickly as the thought came to him, he brushed it off for now and turned to the younger guy and greeted him with a smile.

“Hello, hyung,” was Hanbin’s soft reply.

They stared at each other for a moment before they both chuckled at their awkwardness.

“C’mon let’s stroll around and eat something.”

“What about Jinhwan hyung?”

Yunhyeong shrugged. “Said he’ll be late.”

They walk around the block in comfortable silence and small talks on mundane things like how their holiday went or how their school break will soon end. They ate some street foods to which Yunhyeong cracked up when Hanbin almost lost it with the spicy tteokboki. They went on like that trying things for the first time or trying things they used to do. They laughed and teased each other about petty things. They lost track of time or somehow it just became irrelevant.

Yunhyeong glanced at Hanbin, who seemed lost looking at a fish tank at one of the stalls they were currently in, he took notice again of the look of childish wonder on Hanbin’s face. Then he came to remember where he had seen those before. It was the same look he had when they were just kids playing on a field, or when they were catching fireflies or when they were flying kites. It was during the time that they were careless of the world, it was during the time where everything was normal, the time before everything changes.

“Hanbin-a,” Yunhyeong called out, “We should go. The fireworks show will start soon.”

As Hanbin trudged towards him begrudgingly, groaning and muttering some gibberish about the fish, Yunhyeong realized that he was looking at Hanbin the same again and not differently the way he used to do. Now, he was looking at him just like a best friend would do…

And nothing else.

***

There were only few minutes before the year starts anew. The center of the town was bustling with the excited crowd waiting for the annual firework show. There were group of friends, family, couples and just at the edge of the throng stood Hanbin and Yunhyeong.

“Is Jinhwan hyung not coming?” Hanbin asked, scanning the crowd around them. “The show’s gonna start.”

As if on cue, both of their phones vibrated as they received a text message from Jinhwan telling them that he couldn’t make it and they should just meet him at his house after the show. 

Putting back his phone to his pocket, Yunhyeong glanced at him. “It looks like it would just be the two of us then.”

“Yeah,” Hanbin mumbled.

They both fell silent after that exchange and lifted their gaze to the jet-black night sky because for any moment the shows going to start. A few second passed anticipatingly before the crowd broke into the countdown of the final seconds of the year. As their voice grew louder, Hanbin felt himself being brought back to each of the years they had before. From the time they were so young that they needed their parents to bring them there until the time they were old enough to be left alone.

_ Five… _

Hanbin averted his gaze from the sky and watched Yunhyeong from the corner of his eyes.

_ Four… _

Hanbin felt the corner of his twitched up as Yunhyeong did so.

_ Three… _

Hanbin marveled how could he missed this all this time.

_ Two… _

Hanbin could hear the beating of his heart.

_ One… _

The stark darkness of the night sky was decorated with multitudes of vibrant colors of the fireworks like a canvass splashed with different kind of paints. The crowd broke into cheers, celebration and exchanging greetings like music and lyrics.

As Hanbin watched the orange, yellow and green hues lit up Yunhyeong’s smiling face, he finally had the answer to all those questions of what and why. From his mouth escaped three soft words that were drowned by everyone else, “I love you.”

Yunhyeong glanced at him, blinking. “Did you say something?”

Hanbin was tempted to say it again right then but he ended up shaking his head. “I said, Happy New Year, hyung,” he said instead.

Yunhyeong greeted him back. He looked into his eyes for a moment as if he was contemplating something before, he smiled and ruffled his hair. “Let’s start again this year, ok?”

Blinded by his emotion, Hanbin took the request differently and nodded vigorously, unknown to the real meaning behind those words, that on the same time that he realized he love Yunhyeong for all this time, Yunhyeong had finally let him go. 

* * *


	16. Steps

***

On the first day of school after the school break Hanbin was on his way out of his last class that morning and there was a lightness on his steps as he had been looking forward of seeing Yunhyeong during lunch. They missed each other this morning since the older guy had an early morning class. He was almost out of the door when he heard his someone called him out. He turned around and bowed politely as his professor approached him.

“Kim Hanbin-ssi,” Professor Park sounded a little out of breath as he approached him, “Can you spare me a few minutes? I have something to discuss with you.”

Hanbin must have looked confused and a little anxious with the sudden request so his professor chuckled at him and pat his shoulder reassuringly, “It’s nothing serious. It’s actually good news so you have nothing to worry about. So?”

Even though Hanbin was still slightly skeptical, he agreed with a nod, suddenly rummaging his brain about anything his professor might have wanted to discuss with him. 

“Good. Let’s take to this to the faculty room. Your coach should be there already.”

Hanbin backpedaled. “Coach?”

His professor smiled bemusedly as his expression became more perplexed but did not offer any more response. He gestured for Hanbin to follow him as he led the way.

It only took them a few minutes of walk before they arrive at the faculty room. Hanbin immediately noticed their basketball team’s coach familiar figure. Hanbin approached him with a courteous bow and greeted him politely. After all the three of them exchanged their pleasantries and had settled down, his professor went straight to business.

“You must be wondering what this is all about and why is your coach needed to be here, hmm?” Professor started amicably. He took his silence as his cue to continue. “There will be a special course and conference about Music Theory and Composition writing to be taught by famous professionals in the industry. It will be a long course starting next month until the whole summer. Our university was lucky enough to be offered for a slot on that course and we’re allowed to send a student to attend it.”

His professor paused letting everything that he said linger. He gave Hanbin a pointed look and his lips broke into a knowing smile when he saw the look of realization on Hanbin’s face.

“The student... are you saying that I’m that student?”

“Yes.”

“And it starts next month,” Hanbin repeated, almost sounding like he couldn’t believe it himself. There was a beat and his head snapped towards his coach. “But the regionals?”

Hanbin’s coach eyed him evenly like he was already expecting his reaction.

“Professor Park and I already talked about it and we know that you would probably decline given the situation,” He said, leaning to his chair. “But this is a very good and rare opportunity for you. Given that, we can have you take the course on spring break. The regionals should be done by then.”

Hanbin stared hard on his coach then back to his professor both looking at him with small smile on their lips. His mind still couldn’t process the overwhelming news to him.

“You don’t need us to say why you’re the one chosen for this. I think you already know that,” His professor said with a sound akin to pride after seeing the turmoil on Hanbin’s face. “That’s why we want you to take it.”

“But the choice is still yours to make. Please let Professor Park know about your decision.”

When Hanbin nodded, his professor turned to him and gave him the permission to leave but not after saying the last piece of information about the sudden news.

“There’s one thing you need to know. It will be held in Japan.”

***

“Hyung?” Hanbin was surprised to see Yunhyeong still at their usual table at the cafeteria. Not that his stay to the faculty was very long, it was his trip back out that took most of his time, with him clearly overthrown with the opportunity given to him.

Yunhyeong looked up to him, his face lighting up. “Hanbin, you’re here.”

“Are you waiting for me? Where are the others?” Hanbin asked, pulling out the chair next to the older guy and settling himself.

“They all got a class at one. Mine’s not until two though so, I waited for you. It’s not so fun to eat alone, no?”

Hearing those simple words from Yunhyeong was enough to put a smile on Hanbin’s face. When he thinks about it, the older guy’s presence has always been a steady rock that he could always depend on and never failed to calm his nerves. So, maybe he could talk about his dilemma to his hyung. He surely knows what Hanbin should do.

“Hyung, can we talk about something after school?”

Yunhyeong eyed him for a moment as if assessing Hanbin on the severity of whatever it is he wanted to talk about. “Sure,” he said after a brief pause not pushing the matter further.

Hanbin smiled gratefully and started to eat his lunch pushing all the thoughts about the everything that his professor told him at the back of his mind for now. They both fell into few bouts of domestic silence and small talks. It was only after Hanbin finished eating that he took notice the book that Yunhyeong has been holding.

“What are you reading?”

“This?” Yunhyeong turned the book to Hanbin for him to see. “It’s about baking.”

“You want to bake now, huh? Did Bobby-hyung finally wore you out to do it?”

“No, well okay, yeah.” Yunhyeong stammered with a chuckle. “Bobby might have to do with it, but I’ve been really wanted to learn how to bake. So, this year I’m planning to try it. You should have seen how happy he was a while ago.”

“Bobby-hyung even got you that book so you can bake for him.” Hanbin snorted and rolled his eyes, almost sounding spiteful. He was not sure why he was suddenly annoyed of the thought of Yunhyeong learning to bake for Bobby even though it was never a secret on their group on how Bobby has been begging for Yunhyeong to bake for him for a long time.

“Actually, Chanwoo’s the one that gave it to me. I mentioned it to him once. I can’t believe he’d remember and come up with this.” The fond smile on his hyung’s face only inflate his annoyance much more than the thought of Yunhyeong baking for someone else.

_ Why is there so many guys prowling around Yunhyeong? _

“That brat again?” Hanbin scowled.

Yunhyeong only chuckled lightly at his peeved looked. “You should take his lead and try to be as thoughtful as him sometimes.”

“What? Am I not thoughtful enough to you, hyung?” The younger of the two replied indignantly. He couldn’t believe his hyung would say something like that knowing his fondness or lack thereof towards Chanwoo.

“I’m just messing with you.”

“Not funny.” Hanbin crossed his arms, glaring at a laughing Yunhyeong muttering under his breath something along the lines of, “Stupid Chanwoo, stupid book.”

***

The sky was a drab color of steel gray that it looked like it was about to rain or snow. Hanbin threw a quick glance above and silently wished for a delay to whatever might fall from the clouds. He was on his way to meet Yunhyeong and as he was rounding up to the main building, he came face to face with someone that instantly brought back the irritation he had during lunch.

Chanwoo was fiddling on his phone with a foolish grin on his face and Hanbin immediately hated the big possibility of that it might be Yunhyeong the younger guy was messaging with. He felt an odd sense of satisfaction when he saw a quick surprised expression flashed on Chanwoo’s face when he finally lifted his gaze. Hanbin watched him shuffled on his feet awkwardly before bowing at him politely and make his way right past him.

“Why are you always hanging around Yunhyeong-hyung? Don’t you have other friends your age?” Hanbin blurted when Chanwoo was a few steps behind him. He turned around and stared at the younger’s back.

The stiffness of Chanwoo’s shoulder was a dead giveaway on how shocked he was on the suddenness and bluntness of Hanbin’s question. Even Hanbin was a little stunned on how he could just ask that. Not only that it sounded so demanding, it was rude even to his standard. But every time he thought of Chanwoo and Yunhyeong it was like something always snapped in Hanbin that he could not control especially now that he realized how he really felt for his best friend.

“Can you stop being so close to him?”

A brief tensed silence passed between them before Hanbin finally heard Chanwoo sigh and slowly wheeled back to face him.

“Why?” Chanwoo asked quietly.

It was Hanbin’s turn to be speechless not expecting the Chanwoo would turn around the table with a seriousness he didn’t know the kid could possess.

“I understand that you don’t like me but,” Chanwoo continued when Hanbin did not say anything. He stared at him straight to the eyes. “You don’t have the right to tell me to stay away from Yunhyeong hyung.”

Hanbin felt himself getting mad at Chanwoo for having the nerve to talk back to him but he was much angrier at himself because he knew that Chanwoo was right.

“You and Yunhyeong hyung are best friends, right?” Chanwoo asked softly, lowering his gaze. “You... you don’t like him, right?”

Hanbin’s eyes went wide. “What? I… I-”

“He’s trying hard, you know,” Chanwoo cut him off, his voice getting somber. “Yunhyeong hyung is trying so hard to forget about his feelings for you.”

“H-how did you know? Did he…”

Hanbin saw Chanwoo gave him a look that told him that it doesn’t matter how did he know about Yunhyeong’s feelings for him. He met Hanbin’s eye again with a burning resolution. He said in a determined voice, “I want him to be happy that’s why I want him to move on. I’m just waiting for him to get rid all of his feeling for you.”

“What do you mean… by that?”

A faint smile ghosted Chanwoo’s lips when he said, “I want to make him love me instead.”

Hanbin froze. Multitude of different feelings came crashing down on him on that moment. Anger. Fear. Jealousy. Envy. Sadness. There were so many that he couldn’t even distinguished everything that he felt and why did he felt them. His mind was in chaos and all he could mutter in a lost voice, “You can’t do that.”

“It’s not for you to deci-”

“No!” Hanbin harshly interjected, “You can’t… because I… You just can’t ok? I won’t allow it.” He knew he was being foolish and not making any sense at all. But he could not bear to hear whatever Chanwoo would say that will made him realize that maybe Chanwoo was right and he was wrong. He could not take that maybe Yunhyeong was really moving on and that Chanwoo was bold enough to say to him about his feelings, that he was just waiting for Yunhyeong to finally do so. And he could not take that he did not have enough courage to do the same.

“Stop being selfish, hyung.” Chanwoo told Hanbin in a such brutally honest way that made him averted his gaze. “You have no right to hold him back when you had no idea how hurt he was. When you didn’t even see him cry his heart out. All because of you. So please let him be happy… you owe him that much.”

“Please let him go.”

***

Everything dawned to Hanbin slowly. It only took him a single step to remember how Yunhyeong never failed to give him food whenever he asked, even if it was his favorite food, he would give it Hanbin. It only took him two steps to remember how Yunhyeong would always offer him scarf whenever he forgot his own even though he would be the one to feel cold for the whole day. It only took him three steps to realize how Yunhyeong still joined the basketball team just because Hanbin had begged him to. It took him four steps to realize how Yunhyeong never got tired of him waking him up at the middle of the night so he could just make him a glass of milk. It only took him five steps for him to realize how Yunhyeong would always do things for him, even if it was out of his way, all Hanbin just needed to do was to ask.

But it was funny that it took Hanbin a very long time to realize that Yunhyeong did all of that for him because he loved him, and it took him a very long time to realize he loves Yunhyeong all the same.

“Hanbin-a!”

Hanbin snapped out of his musings when he heard Yunhyeong’s familiar voice. He was by the school gate when he finally gets back to his senses. It was where they agreed to meet during lunch. He glanced up only to see Yunhyeong waving at him a little enthusiastically at a distance, however he was not alone, he was with Dahyun.

“What took you so long?” Yunhyeong asked.

Hanbin lied about his last class going overtime. When he looked like he bought it. Hanbin turned to Dahyun and greeted her. Then his gaze drifted back the older guy with an evident question on his face.

“Oh yeah, Dahyun-ie’s been waiting for you.” Yunhyeong gestured to the shorter girl beside him. “She had something to tell you.”

“Annyeong, sunbae,” Dahyun greeted him chirpily. “Are you free right now?”

Hanbin was confused for a moment. He looked at Dahyun then back to Yunhyeong with frown on his face.

_ Did he forget about their plan this afternoon? _

“But-”

“Of course, he’s free.” Yunhyeong suddenly cut him off making Hanbin glared at him mouthing, ‘what are you saying?’ to the older guy.

Yunhyeong laughed awkwardly and snaked his arms around the unsuspecting Hanbin. “You should take every opportunity you get, ok? We can talk about your thing at the apartment.” He whispered quickly on his ear before untangled himself and pat Hanbin’s shoulder.

“So, you kids enjoy your date, eh?” Yunhyeong winked at Hanbin before sprinting off and leaving a perplexed Dahyun and frowning Hanbin on his wake.

Hanbin did not know for how long he remained still from where he stood with his eyes still fixed on the direction where his hyung just ran off to. He could not believe that Yunhyeong had ditched him and their plan and left him to Dahyun. He should be happy, right? _Right. Dahyun is his crush. How could he forget about that? Is this his way to help Hanbin?_

As the figure of Yunhyeong got smaller and smaller as the distance between them grew, Hanbin was suddenly enveloped by a feeling of lost and defeat as the realization came to him in different voices echoing on his head.

_ So, don’t ever feel that way whenever you’re talking to Dahyun. You like her, don’t you? _

_ Talk to her. Go on a date with her. Just do what makes your heart flutter. _

_ It’s good that he’s moving on then. _ _You know what that means, don’t you?_

_ Yunhyeong hyung is trying so hard to forget about his feelings for you. _

_ So please let him be happy… you owe him that much. Please let him go. _

_ Let’s start again this year, ok? _

“Sunbae?”

Hanbin snapped out of his thoughts and glanced at Dahyun who was shooting him worried look.

“Are you ok, sunbae?”

Hanbin wanted to lie and just brushed it off and tell Dahyun that everything was fine but, on that moment, he just could not bring himself to do that. The day had been so hectic to Hanbin. So, he replied, “No.”

He heard Dahyun sighed and glancing at the direction Hanbin was looking a while ago.

“You should tell Yunhyeong-sunbae what you feel about him, you know.”

“What?”

Dahyun smiled emphatically at him. “It’s so obvious, sunbae,” she simply said.

A flash of panic and shock cross Hanbin’s face. He tried to say something but his eloquence with words had left him at the gutter when he needed it the most.

“Don’t worry, it’s just me sunbae.” Dahyun reassured him. “But I never thought that I was right though. You’re really in love with Yunhyeong sunbae.” 

The confusion on Hanbin’s eyes must be so glaringly apparent that Dahyun laughed at his expression and went on to tell him how she noticed how Hanbin’s face lit up with so much fondness and adoration every time he talked about Yunhyeong or how his eyes glimmer with happiness whenever Yunhyeong messed up his hair or how he would frown whenever he saw his hyung with Chanwoo or how he would glare at the younger guy every time he got a chance.

Hanbin’s mouth fell although he was uncertain if it is about the fact that Dahyun noticed all those things or the fact that Dahyun, his crush, was talking about the person Hanbin was in love with.

“You should go and tell him, sunbae. What’s the worst thing that could happen?”

Rejection. Hurt. Sadness. Drifting apart. Hanbin could name a lot of things.

“It’s not what you’re thinking, sunbae.” Dahyun shot him a look as if she could see right through him. “The worst thing that could happen is for you… to not even try.”

***

“You like him,” Jinhwan announced so suddenly and with a finality that took Hanbin’s attention from his breakfast. He stared at the older guy with wide eyes like a deer caught in a headlight.

“Uh, what?”

“Hanbin-a, I think you know what I’m talking about.”

Hanbin spared the older guy a harmless glance over a mouthful of sandwich. “Yunhyeong-hyung is my best friend, our best friend. Of course, I like him,” he calmly replied.

“I know, just like you know exactly what I am talking about.”

This time, Hanbin did not answer and Jinhwan decided not to push it after a minute of lingering stare. It was only when Hanbin stood up to clean up his plate that Jinhwan decided to speak to him again.

“You can go ahead; I’ll take care of it. My class doesn’t start till noon.”

Hanbin nodded at him and fix himself up. He was on the kitchen entrance when he suddenly stopped, glancing at Jinhwan with a stubborn smile playing on his lips, remembering the steps that Dahyun had told him to follow.

_ The first step, sunbae, is to admit it out loud. _

“I don’t like him hyung, I love him.”

* * *


	17. Tears

“Can you believe it? Our goal is just to qualify for the regionals this year, but look at us, we’re now in the semi-finals.” Yunhyeong’s tired but loud voice filled the empty and familiar sidewalk back to their apartment. He and Hanbin have been walking for some minute now after being dropped off at the university. They have just earned their spot in the final four of regionals winter cup and everyone was very pleased to have all their effort in practice and training camp all worth it. Their coach even promised to treat the whole team in a nice dinner after their practice next week.

“Hanbin?” Yunhyeong glanced at his side when the only form of response that he heard were sound of his heavy footsteps on the brick-laid pavement. There was no one. He fully stopped and turned around and there he saw the person that supposed to be walking beside him. 

Yunhyeong sighed at the scene in front him, Hanbin was almost sprawled on the curb few steps away from the older. He looked like he could not even push himself to stand up again. 

“Hyung,” Hanbin whined childishly, “I’m so tired. Carry me.”

Repositioning his duffel bag in front of him, Yunhyeong slowly made his way to his best friend. “We’re all exhausted, you know,” he said as he lowered his back to the younger guy. “But you worked so hard today so I guess I can give a back ride.”

Hanbin instantly grabbed him and climbed at his back, clinging like his life depends on him that they stumbled a few times before Yunhyeong managed to stand up. Yunhyeong could feel his legs straining at the additional weight of Hanbin and his sports bag but he believed that there must have been remaining adrenaline in his system enough to take both of them back to their apartment.

The two of them carry quietly on with Yunhyeong wobbling feet and occasional stop to push Hanbin up his back and the muffled mumbling of the younger against Yunhyeong’s skin. The night was getting colder as the snow started to drizzle, it was a winter night after all. Yunhyeong felt the arms around him tightening as the crisp breeze brushed upon them. He was somehow grateful that they were huddled so close together keeping each other warm making their predicament a little bearable.

“Hyung.” 

“Hmm?”

“You smell like apples,” Yunhyeong felt Hanbin’s hot breath bristled on his ears, “How can you still smell so good?”

“What?” Yunhyeong furrowed his brows, mildly surprise with the sudden remark about his smell. He was not given a second to think about it as he felt Hanbin burrowed his face against him even more. “Ya! Stop it,” he called out, “You’re tickling me. Do you want as to fall?”

The two of them staggered a few times until Yunhyeong finally managed Hanbin to settle down with his face almost against his cheek.

“But I like your smell.” Yunhyeong could hear the pout on his voice.

“Why are you being such a clingy kid these days?” Yunhyeong brought up the question that has been on his mind for quite some time. He noticed that Hanbin had been acting a little weird around him since they came back from the school break which was a couple of weeks ago now. At first, he thought nothing of it because Hanbin had always had this kind of episode but those moment did not last this long. This time, however, it felt like Hanbin latched himself to Yunhyeong, acting like a spoiled bratty kid, asking him to go places with him every time he got a chance, asking him to cook his favorite food, following him around the school. It was like Hanbin was everywhere.

“I’m always a clingy kid to you,” Hanbin answered without a beat wrapping his arms around Yunhyeong even more.

“You’re a grown ass man now.”

“I don’t care.”

Yunhyeong chuckled at the candor. Even being a dead weight on his back Hanbin could still pull off that attitude. “Talk about being such a brat.”

“But you love me anyway.”

He was not exactly sure why but there was something about the way Hanbin said those words that made Yunhyeong stopped on his track for fleeting moment, where everything went still and silent but the sound of their breathing. It was like they were suspended in time on that moment and those words echoing on his ears like it was reaching for something.

Something that had been there before.

“Yes,” Yunhyeong said in a steady voice, once he gained his wits. Chuckling lightly for going overdrive on his thinking of that simple comeback, he went on, “Looks like I don’t have a choice. That’s what a best friend is for, right?”

The only thing that tip Yunhyeong off that Hanbin heard him was, when he felt his arms around him loosen slightly. 

  


***

There was a wide grin plastered on Yunhyeong’s face as soon as he heard the door of their apartment clicked close on a cloudy Wednesday afternoon. He released a very satisfied sigh and clapped himself for his perfect execution of his master plan.

“You’re early.” Jinhwan’s voice greeted him as he walked out of his room. Judging by how he was dressed, and all prepped up he’ll be most probably going somewhere.

“Yeah? We don’t have practice today, hyung.” Yunhyeong plopped himself comfortably on the couch and glanced at the older guy. “You going somewhere?”

Jinhwan hummed in acknowledgement. “Brother duties. Sis needed help in the café.”

“Want me to come with you?”

Jinhwan shoots him an appreciative smile but shook his head. “I got it. Just enjoy the rest of your day.” He was halfway to the door when he stopped and turned to Yunhyeong. “Wait. So, where’s Hanbin? You two are practically inseparable this past few days.”

“Not when I gave him the perfect distraction.” Yunhyeong’s eyes glinted with mischief and pride making Jinhwan raised an eyebrow.

“And that is?”

“A cute little girl in pig tails.”

Yunhyeong saw a cloud of understanding that flew past Jinhwan’s expression. He stared at him with a somewhat forlorn look on his eyes in a momentary silence before he sighed and gave him a melancholic smile. “Yunhyeong-ie, of all people, it should be pretty obvious to you by now why he is acting that way.”

Yunhyeong blinked at the older guy in confusion but before he could say anything else, Jinhwan waved him off and walked out of the of the door.

***

Few minutes had already passed but Yunhyeong was still mulling over what Jinhwan had said. He would have been lying if he said it did not concern him. Yunhyeong found it weird even though he kept telling himself that he should not be bothered with the way Hanbin was acting around him the past couple of weeks because he was Hanbin, it was his thing especially to Yunhyeong. However, still, Yunhyeong could not make the nagging feeling on the pit of his stomach that he was missing something out just as what as Jinhwan told him.

Yunhyeong sighed and decided to stop himself overthinking about it. It had been so long before he had a free hour for himself. He should be doing something to relax him or distract him from all of this. With that in mind, he fished his phone out of his bag and sent a message to Chanwoo. Not a few seconds later, he received a reply but before he could open the message, Yunhyeong heard the door of their apartment clicked.

Expecting that it must be Jinhwan, Yunhyeong automatically called out, “Hyung, did you forget something?”

But to his utter surprise, it was not Jinhwan. It was Hanbin.

When Yunhyeong finally recovered from the initial shock, he shot Hanbin an awkward smile and greeted him, “Back already?”

For a moment, Hanbin only stared at Yunhyeong in response that the older almost believe that he never heard him. He was about to make light of the tenseness of the atmosphere but before he could open his mouth, Hanbin grave voice cut him off.

“Hyung, can you… can you stop doing that?”

Yunhyeong blinked. “Doing what?”

“Pushing me to Dahyun,” Hanbin answered lowly. “Giving me opportunities to spend time with her.”

“Wait. I thought you like her?”

“I do,” Hanbin said without a beat before he lowered his eyes and whispered that Yunhyeong almost missed it. “I thought… I do.” He briefly went silent before he lifted his gaze again and met Yunhyeong’s “It’s just a crush... it’s just she reminds me of my sister. But I don’t have feelings for her.”

Yunhyeong shoots him a small smile and gave him a patient look, the same look that the elders would often give the young ones when they were trying to explain something.

“That’s why you needed to spend time with her. To know her. You need time for it to develop. I think she likes you and you two looks great –”

“I don’t want to have feelings for her, hyung.” Hanbin’s frustrated voice interrupted Yunhyeong. It almost sounded desperate, like Yunhyeong was missing the point.

“What?”

“I don’t want to have feelings for her,” Hanbin repeated looking at his feet lingering there for some time. He sighed after a short pause and raised his head. When their gazes met again Hanbin’s eyes were hard and unyielding like he finally decided to go for something he always wanted. “Because… I already have it for someone else.”

_ Yunhyeong-ie, of all people, it should be pretty obvious to you by now why he is acting that way. _

Yunhyeong would only be deluding himself if he pretended that he still had no idea why Hanbin was acting this way and where this conversation was going. But out of all the possible reason out there it never crossed his mind that it would be the most unlikely one. Why does it have to be that one? Why now?

“Hanbin don’t,” Yunhyeong pleaded in a hard tone but Hanbin only smiled resolutely at him.

“Hyung, I lo –”

“Don’t say it!” Yunhyeong shouted harshly, not wanting to hear those words. They both stood there in frozen shock after the sudden outburst. Yunhyeong was first to regain his senses. Now in soft vulnerable voice, he whispered, “Hanbin… please don’t say it, ok?”

“You knew,” was all Hanbin could say but it was enough for them to realize where they both stand.

Yunhyeong approached Hanbin in a few careful steps, putting a hand on Hanbin’s shoulder. “It’s not real. Whatever you’re thinking or feeling. You’re just confused Hanbin-a.”

“You knew it, hyung. How can it not be real?” Hanbin’s eyes flared up. “You knew what I felt. Why don’t you want me to say it?”

Yunhyeong closed his eyes, hands falling back to his side. He turned away. “You’re right, I know what you feel. It’s guilt. 

“Guilt? How can you say that!?”

Yunhyeong could hear the anger on Hanbin’s words but it did not faze him. He could not have this now.

“It’s the truth. You feel that way because I confessed to you in the first place. If I hadn’t…” Yunhyeong’s voice faltered, “I shouldn’t have done that. I messed you up. It’s my fault. I’m sorry.”

“You didn’t mess me up, hyung. You opened my eyes.”

“No, I did not!” Yunhyeong faced Hanbin again but now his face is full of anger and regret. “If I didn’t confess to you, would you ever think about it? Would it ever cross your mind? No, it wouldn’t. You’d still be the same. You won’t end up like this.”

“But I think… this feeling… it must have been there all along, hyung.”

“You only think that way because that would make a perfect reason to justify what you think you’re feeling.” Yunhyeong gave him a cold look as he watched the resolve on Hanbin’s eyes dissolve into hurt and sadness. It was harsh, Yunhyeong knew, but if that was what he needed to be just prevent this from happening, he would do it.

“How can you know that’s exactly what I’m feeling? How can you be so sure?”

“Because I’ve been there. I was like that for years… for you. Even though I always told myself not to think of you that way or to feel that way but still there was a small part of me that kept on yearning and hoping for you to see it. But you didn’t. Not until I told you myself even though I knew it was not reciprocated.” Yunhyeong’s eyes bore into Hanbin’s with a burning intensity as his previously steady and solid voice broke. “So, tell me how I can believe it’s real?”

Hanbin looked stunned and Yunhyeong could not blame him. After all the fiasco they went through last year after he confessed to him, Yunhyeong have never opened his feeling this way to Hanbin. He was hurt but he never showed this vulnerable side of his feelings for him. He never told him how he was feeling all through those years that Hanbin was oblivious and living in his own little world. Yunhyeong had stood his ground, acted strong even if it was obvious that he was in pain. He kept on reassuring Hanbin and himself that he could take it, given enough time.

And he did.

“You never think of me that way. Not before, not now. You shouldn’t.”

“Why?” Hanbin asked in a low and hollow tone. “Why am I not allowed to lo –”

_ Can’t you just forget that stupid feelings for now!? _

“Because it’s a stupid feeling,” Yunhyeong smiled sadly.

_ We have been best friends for so long. I never thought someone like you could... could ever like me… _

“Because we’re best friends,” Yunhyeong’s eyes soften. 

_ I’ll take care of my feelings and this time, I mean it. _

“Because… it’s too late.” Yunhyeong whispered resignedly.

“I see, that’s it…”

“Yes. It’s too late Hanbin. I already moved on. You should too.”

After that, the last sound that could be heard was the closing of the door.

***

Chanwoo was so excited when he received a message from Yunhyeong asking if they could meet. They haven’t been hanging out lately because the older guy had been busy with their training camp. So, when he caught the familiar back of his hyung sitting on the rusty old swing of the playground they agreed to meet, his lips instantly twitched in a wide grin.

“Hyung!” Chanwoo eagerly called out. 

Yunhyeong perked up and glanced at his back.

But Chanwoo stopped on his tracks when he can fully see Yunhyeong.

“Chanwoo-ya,” Yunhyeong said softly with a toothy grin but with tears streaming down his face.

* * *


	18. Those Words

The chains of the swing groaned in metallic friction and rust as Chanwoo settled on the empty one beside Yunhyeong. He sat there quietly with distant eyes, having no idea what to do with the crying man on his side. He wanted to say something, but he was out of comforting words. He wanted to give Yunhyeong a handkerchief, but he did have any with him. And most of all, Chanwoo wanted to put his arms around Yunhyeong and embrace him with all his might while whispering repeatedly the he was there for him. But he did not do any of that. He could not do any of that. Because on that time, Yunhyeong didn’t need any of that. So, Chanwoo just sat there, listening to his soft sobs and the sound of him wiping his tears. He just sat there, arms stretched out, drawing circles on Yunhyeong’s back in a gentle pat. Chanwoo just sat there with him in silence, enough to let him know that he was not alone, that someone was there with him.

_ For him. _

Time drifted on their skin like the passing winds, slipping slowly through their eyes as they watched the people on the playground come and go. The streetlights began fluttering into life and the sun was giving one last nod of brittle orange light before it blinks out past the trees and houses in the horizon. The distant sound of rushing people, dispersing kids, and the gentle breeze was becoming more prominent while the tears starts drying and the sobs grew fainter and fainter until Chanwoo could hear their sound of their breathing.

“Aren’t you going to ask why?” Yunhyeong’s fragile voice break their stupor.

Chanwoo averted his gaze to the man beside him before it flickered back to where it was before. The sun was gone. “Do you want me to?”

“I don’t know,” Yunhyeong him answered after a pause of hesitation. Then with dry lightness on his voice he said, “But I guess you already knew.”

Yes. Chanwoo knew. He knew it was Hanbin. Even though he had no idea what he did, it was only him that can make Yunhyeong sad like this or cry like this.

“Hanbin…tried,” Yunhyeong paused like he was mustering up all his strength to say it out loud, “He tried to confess to me.”

Chanwoo automatically glanced at Yunhyeong with a shocked look on his face, hands instinctively clenching into fist. His hyung was not looking at him though, he was staring straight up ahead with a wry smile playing on his lips.

“Tried?”

“I didn’t let him say those words. Because I…” Yunhyeong closed his eyes for a moment and finally turned to Chanwoo. “I already moved on.” **(1)**

The conviction on Yunhyeong’s voice was very clear. He stared at Chanwoo with an unwavering resolve that for a fleeting and traitorous split second Chanwoo thought that this could be it, this was his chance. He almost had himself believed that Yunhyeong would then say that he had moved on from Hanbin and to him. He waited. However, it was not the words he desperately wished that came after that.

It was tears.

“But why does it hurt, Chanwoo-ya? Why am I crying like this?”

And the wishful thinking he had dissipated into nothingness as quickly as it sparked on his chest.

“I’m doing so well. You saw it. I saw it. I knew I moved on. I really do. I can finally look at him the same again. I can look at him without hurting, without yearning. So why now? Why do I feel the same pain again?”

Chanwoo could not put into words the sorrow and agony on Yunhyeong had said. He sounded so conflicted, confused and broken. He was so sure and yet unsure. The resolve on his eyes was shining with burning intensity but muddled with the tears of uncertainty. Yunhyeong looked so vulnerable as his eyes reached Chanwoo for answers and hope. Chanwoo’s heart shattered even more because he did not have the answer.

Because he was not the answer.

Chanwoo wanted to scream. He wanted to beg Yunhyeong to open his eyes, to look at him and make him see how his eyes would shine just by seeing him or how his simple smile could light up his whole day or how his sadness could break Chanwoo’s heart. He wanted Yunhyeong to notice what he feels, to feel what he feels. He wanted to make him realize that he was the one who was there for him right now, that he was there all along and that he could choose him instead. Because he will make sure that the only tears Yunhyeong would shed was that of happiness.

Yet Yunhyeong just see right through him. 

It hurt Chanwoo more than he thought it would and it also hurt that he could not even make a move. He couldn’t. It was not the time. He knew that he should not even dare to think of doing any of those selfish things at that moment no matter how much he wanted. It would only add to the mess that Yunhyeong was in. It would only scare away the person he was right now and the person he was trying so hard to become. That was why Chanwoo swallowed down his bruised heart and clamped his mouth shut. He should not let himself wallow over his own feelings. Not now. Not in front of his hyung.

With a sigh, he made himself the person that Yunhyeong needed right now – a friend. He walked over his hyung and lowered himself to his level. Giving a weak smile, he wiped the tears on Yunhyeong’s cheeks and finally giving in to do what a friend should do. He slowly slipped his arms around his hyung and held him tight.

“Don’t be hard on yourself, hyung,” he whispered. “It’s ok not to know the answer.”

Chanwoo kept on whispering those words. He vowed to himself to never let go and to keep on saying that he’s going to be fine, that everything was going to be alright, until the time Yunhyeong leaned into him and succumbed to his embrace, until the time all the tears had finally run dry.

***

The feeling of dread and uneasiness slithered to Hanbin as he woke up. It was more suffocating and constricting than the night before, making it hard to breathe. The day was Friday, the day he and Yunhyeong usually have their breakfast together and go to school together because their first class starts on the same time and if it was not enough, they also have a basketball practice today. Hanbin did not know how things were going to unfold but he knew it would not be easy. 

It had been over a day since they talked and the memory of hurt and sadness was still fresh to Hanbin. The words they said to each other still ringing on his ears. The tension was still too stale and too thick take in. The acrid taste of rejection lingering on his throat. It was hard. He managed to endure yesterday but he was not sure how he could get through today. So, he laid on his bed for a moment, half wishing that Yunhyeong had gone early today and half hoping that he was still there at the kitchen table, waiting for him and would greet him good morning like he always did.

After gathering enough will to push himself out of the bed, he threaded lightly towards the kitchen, anxiety building up on his every step. Hanbin stopped dead on his feet at the kitchen’s doorway when he saw Yunhyeong on his usual sit casually eating his breakfast. Hanbin wanted to crawl back to the comfort of his room when Yunhyeong’s head snapped to where he was standing tensely.

“You’re up.” Yunhyeong nodded at him before Hanbin could do anything. He gave him a small smile and gestured to where Hanbin sit was. “I made you breakfast.”

Hanbin blacked out for a moment, the thought that he might be dreaming crossed his mind, before he managed to nod very stiffly once he gained a bit of sense in him. Hanbin took his usual sit quietly with hundreds of thoughts running on his mind.

_ Is this how they’re going to be? _

_ Are they going to act normal? _

_ Are they going to pretend that everything did not happen? _

Hanbin did not know what he wanted to happen to them right now but pretending that nothing happened or that everything was perfectly normal made him a little hurt and upset. Despite the destructive thoughts running on his mind, Hanbin could not bring it up, to ask why or to at least say something because he knew it was his fault. So, he kept all the things he wanted to say and let himself suffer on his own.

No other words were exchange between the two. They sat there in silence, finished their food in silence, washed their own dishes in silence. It was suffocating and deafening that it was getting harder and harder for Hanbin to breathe. With a hasty murmur, he excused himself and locked himself in the bathroom deciding that he would take his time and drown the smothering silence with sound of the water hitting his skin, all the time wishing that Yunhyeong would go ahead without him.

But it seemed like Yunhyeong had decided to torture Hanbin today as he stayed and waited for him. With nothing much but a simple nod, they both got out of the apartment and started their usual walk to their campus. Their usual walk filled with simple talks and sporadic bickering was now withering in oppressive tension.

“Hanbin-a.”

“Uh… yeah?” Hanbin backpedaled, snapping from his own thought.

Yunhyeong spared him a quick glance with an almost amused look upon seeing his surprised expression before staring back ahead with a sigh.

“Let’s not make the same mistake again,” he heard him say softly.

“What?”

Yunhyeong suddenly stopped walking that made Hanbin do the same. “Let’s not pretend that it didn’t happen,” he said, looking into Hanbin’s questioning eyes. “But let’s not avoid each other. It doesn’t matter if it’s going to be awkward. It doesn’t matter if it is hard for both of us. Let’s accept what had been done because we’re still best friends before everything else.”

_ Do I also have to accept that it’s all we’re going to be? Do I also have to accept that you already moved on? Do I also have to accept that we never had a chance? _

Hanbin wanted to ask those questions. He wanted to know if that’s what Yunhyeong also want him to accept. But there was some invisible force that was holding him back to utter the words. Maybe because he did not know how to start. Maybe because he was afraid to know the answers. He was afraid that he must accept the answers.

“Hyung, I…” Hanbin shook his head upon seeing the expectant look on Yunhyeong’s face that brought him back to the mistakes the Yunhyeong was referring to. “Ok,” he said instead.

Hanbin watched a small smile grace Yunhyeong’s lips as he hesitantly raised his hand and gave Hanbin a gentle pat on his shoulder.

Fighting back the prickling on his eyes, Hanbin returned the smile as much as he could even though his heart was crumbling into pieces.

***

Hanbin stood at the edge of the half-open door of the Yunhyeong’s room. His eyes scanned the empty darkness before he released a breath of both disappointment and reprieve. He wondered what made him think that he would see the peaceful sleeping form of his hyung when he already knew Yunhyeong was not there, when he knew that he has gone home for the weekend. But if he was there, would Hanbin able to shake him awake to make him a glass of milk? Would Yunhyeong still ask him why he was still up on this ungodly hour? Would he still stay with him until he fell asleep? Hanbin was not sure of the answers. There were a lot of things that he was not sure of now.

Shaking his head for his foolishness, Hanbin made his way to the kitchen and made himself a glass of milk. He sat there lost on his thoughts, taking a slow sip of milk that did not taste the same, staring at the vacant chair where Yunhyeong were supposed to be, patiently asking him about random things on his sleep-deprived voice.

“Hanbin?”

Perking up, Hanbin’s gaze snapped where the voice came from. He saw Jinhwan stood at the entrance, lazily rubbing his eyes, hair sticking up in all directions.

“Hyung,” Hanbin nodded at him. “You’re still up?”

Jinhwan shook his head as he walks towards the counter. “I just woke up feeling so thirsty,” he said, fetching himself a glass of water and sat across Hanbin. “I fell asleep halfway through my papers I’m working on. What about you? Got some project?”

“No,” Hanbin answered, raising his glass of awful milk. “‘Just can’t fall asleep.”

“Oh. Too bad, Yunhyeong-ie’s not here.”

Hanbin flinched upon hearing Jinhwan’s offhanded reply. When he lifted his head, he met his hyungs’s questioning gaze. They stared at each other in silence until Hanbin was forced to look away.

Jinhwan took a big gulp of his water and sighed mutely. “What happened?”

“The worst.”

“He didn’t take it very well then.”

“He didn’t believe me, hyung.” Hanbin turned to Jinhwan with a sad smile. “He didn’t even let me say those words.”

Jinhwan stared at him for a long while before his face soften in some sort of understanding. “What do you expect to happen after you said those words, Hanbin-a?”

Hanbin looked at Jinhwan blankly, asking himself the same question over and over again but could not think of what exactly he expected to happen. So, he said dumbly, “I don’t know.”

“You know. Deep in your heart you know, Hanbin-a.” Jinhwan’s expression change to that of patience and cruel honesty. “You expect that those words will make Yunhyeong believe you. You expect those words will magically solve everything.”

Hanbin winced on his hyung’s words. Maybe that was the reason that Yunhyeong would not let him say it. Maybe that was reason Yunhyeong was so adamant not to hear it. He was saving Hanbin from the disappointment that those words would do nothing, that those words meant nothing.

“Truth really hurts, I guess.” Hanbin chuckled wryly to himself, eyes glassy.

“Most of the time.” Jinhwan gave him a patronizing smile. “But what’s important is, what are you going to do now?”

Hanbin lowered his gaze. “I don’t think there’s anything I could do now, hyung. He already moved on. He said, it’s too late.”

Jinhwan shifted on his sit before he stood up, taking his now empty glass and put it to the sink. 

“They said, there’s quite a distance between late and too late.”

Hanbin heard his hyung’s somber voice behind him. He understood what Jinhwan was trying to say. It was like the final blow that he needed to force himself to finally give up.

“But I believe there’s something that could bridge the gap.** (2)**” Jinhwan reached out to Hanbin’s shoulder and gave him a comforting squeeze before he started to walk away from him. He was at the kitchen’s entrance, the same position where he initially stood a while ago, when he paused on his steps.

Hanbin stared at Jihwan’s back with a little hopeful look. He expected him to say the thing that he was referring but Jinhwan just shook his head and turned to him with a faithful smile, like he knew Hanbin would figure it out on his own.

“You know, right from the start, I always believed that you two will end up together.”

And that was all that Hanbin needed to hear. He kept on repeating those words as sleep finally came to him at the crack of dawn, as he woke up, all throughout the weekend. He kept on repeating those words as he came into the faculty room on a Monday morning, as the smile blossomed on his professor’s lips when he finally told him his decision.

***

“You have a big game tomorrow. Are you nervous?” Chanwoo curiously asked. He and Yunhyeong were sitting on a bench in a park near the game room where they just had finished their occasional round of playing online games.

“We’re against the two-time defending champion for the semis. No, I’m not.” Yunhyeong glanced at him with a mock confidence eliciting quite a few chuckles from the both for a short while until it died down into silence.

“Will you,” Chanwoo faltered a little hesitantly after a brief pause. “Will you be ok?”

“Yes,” Yunhyeong answered him with a knowing smile. “I won’t… It won’t happen again.”

“Hyung,” Chanwoo said, staring with obvious concern at Yunhyeong. “I won’t be there but if anything happen, just call, ok?”

Yunhyeong returned his gaze with firm resolve and assuring smile. “I know. Don’t worry, Chanwoo-ya. Nothing will happen.”

They both surrendered in an easy silence after that exchange, simply staring at the people in the park or at nothing in particular.

“What would I do without you?” Yunhyeong spoke quietly. He suddenly laughed when Chanwoo shyly looked away, ears red and said nothing. Smiling to himself, he continues with the things he has been meaning to say to Chanwoo despite the obvious state of embarrassment of the younger. “I still never said how grateful I am for that day, for everything. So, thank you Chanwoo-ya for being with me, for being such a very good friend. I’m so lucky to have you.”

_ Whoever the person you fall in love with will be so lucky, Chanwoo-ya. _

Chanwoo went stiff after hearing those words. Fortunately, his face was still turned away from his hyung so he couldn’t see the broken expression on his face or the hollow glimmer of hurt on his eyes. He had expected this. Somehow, he already knew that this would inevitably happen. But knowing or expecting it did not lessen the pain of it actually happening.

Then those words.

Chanwoo smiled wryly on how ironic it turned out to be. The fact that Yunhyeong felt lucky and the fact that he was the person he fell in love with. He had always asked himself if Yunhyeong would feel that way if he knew and now, he had the answer even though Yunhyeong had no idea, even though feeling lucky never necessarily meant that his feelings would be returned.

And as if it was not enough truth to wake Chanwoo up, Yunhyeong delivered the final blow.

“You’re the perfect little brother I never had.”

Chanwoo blanked out for unknown length of time, feeling nothing but the wrenching of his heart. It felt like there was a blunt object lodged on his chest twisting and turning. The pain was so scorching and agonizing that Chanwoo eventually felt numb. He wondered if this how Yunhyeong felt, he wondered if this was the kind of heartache, he endured all this time.

***

“Why the long face? Still sad that we lost?” Yunhyeong asked pensively, seeing the brooding expression on Hanbin’s face.

They were on their way home after being knocked out of the competition by the defending champion. It was not that they played bad, they played really well that they lost only by a slim margin. It was not anyone’s fault but Yunhyeong knew Hanbin tends to shoulder things like this on his own even though they knew that they had an excellent run in the competition and came far beyond what they initially planned on.

Hanbin shook his head. “No. It’s just that it’s almost spring break.”

“Huh?” Yunhyeong glanced at Hanbin, perplexed. “What’s so sad about a couple of days off?”

Something flickered on Hanbin’s eyes when he turned to Yunhyeong with a faint, almost tentative smile. “Yeah, I know. But I have a special course that I need to attend on spring break.”

“Oh. That’s a bummer.” Yunhyeong frowned shortly before giving Hanbin an optimistic look. “There’s still summer vacation in a couple of months though.”

“It will start on spring break until summer break, hyung.”

Yunhyeong’s eyes widen. “Oh. That’s… that’s—”

“—Sad? Boring?” Hanbin offered.

“Uh, not the word that I would choose but… yeah.” Yunhyeong chuckled. “But hey, you’re still free on weekends.” A pause. “Right?”

“Of course.” Hanbin laughed softly then in a quiet voice he glanced at Yunhyeong with small smile flirting on his lips, “It will be held on Japan though.”

Yunhyeong stopped on his steps, fully turning to Hanbin. His face went from confused, to shocked and to somewhat a muddled look of sadness and understanding.

“It’s not... it’s—” 

“It’s not because of what happened. It’s not because of that.” Hanbin interjected in a firm and assuring voice, fully aware of Yunhyeong’s line of thought. “Even if it was, I know that you’d want me to take this opportunity.”

Yunhyeong lowered his gaze and whispered, “Yeah.”

It had been a couple of weeks since that day and the days that came after that were not the most comfortable for them. But they tried. They tried to acknowledge what happened and kept on moving even when the tension became to thick or when most of the times, they were together became awkward or just plain silent. They strived on being just best friends to each other just as what Yunhyeong wanted them to.

“Hyung,” Hanbin’s voice was light and drifted seamlessly with foreboding spring winds, “Can we go somewhere tomorrow?”

Despite their efforts and resilience of going on like that for the past weeks, Yunhyeong knew that eventually they would have to talk about it and settled everything once and for all.

“Ok.”

Then Yunhyeong watched as Hanbin smiled at him that was neither sad nor happy. It was stubborn, pure and childish. It was the one that he always remembers. The same smile Hanbin had when he got Yunhyeong’s kite back after it got stuck on a tree. The same smile he had when they stayed late at night watching the fireflies dance with the stars. The same smile that he had when he finished a song or when they won a basketball game. It was the one that Yunhyeong treasured the most. The one that holds countless of possibilities.

The one that was engraved on Yunhyeong’s heart as he stared at the plane that took Hanbin away.

* * *


	19. Say it

_ Yunhyeong was laughing. It has always been a music on Hanbin’s ears to hear the laughter of his hyung ever since they were just shabby kids with dirty cheeks and their world would revolve around the four corners of sandbox in the playground. But even though their world now was bigger than just a mere box of sand, Hanbin could still hear it all the same, the same lightness, the same child-like innocence, the crescent of his eyes and the curve of his lips. Hanbin could feel a rush of reprieve washed over him that it was one thing that never changed despite the thousands of things that happened and the never-ending little changes that they were going through. He could hold on to that. Hanbin would hold on to that especially today and for the days to come. _

_ Hanbin closed his eyes as he breathed in the spring-scented breeze and the distinct smell of Han river where the two of them were strolling aimlessly in steady pace and sudden burst conversation. They ended up there after spending most of the day together, doing thing they usually and not usually do, drifting along the sidewalks and parks, talking about nothing and everything in particular. It had been a good day after all the bad days the came before it even though that this was the day, the day when they would pick up all the messed up, crumpled and scattered paper pieces lying on the ground beneath their feet. _

_ Hanbin breathed out and opened his eyes. He stopped on his tracks and turned around to face Yunhyeong, who was a step short behind him, with soft smile. He knew it was time.  _

_ With stray beams of pastel sunset light burning on his eyes, Hanbin said, “Hyung, can you hear me out this time?” _

***

It was strange, Yunhyeong thought, how fast time flew by or how much everything has changed. A week ago, Yunhyeong still made Hanbin his favorite breakfast and the two of them went to school together. A week ago, they still sat beside each other during lunch with Hanbin nitpicking on whatever Yunhyeong was saying or doing. A week ago, Hanbin was still here with them, with him. But now, Yunhyeong would not have to go into his room to wake him up. Now, he would only set two plates on the table instead of three. Now, there would be nothing but empty space beside him when he walked to school every morning. Because it has been a week since Hanbin had boarded the plane that took him a thousand miles away from home, away from him.

“Yunhyeong-ie?”

The said boy snapped from his thought and was greeted by the curious eyes of Jinhwan, who was now a couple of steps ahead of him. He was so lost on his thoughts that he didn’t know he had stopped on walking.

“What’s wrong?”

Yunhyeong shook his head. He briefly smiled at his hyung as his eyes flickered to the sky. “Nothing. It’s just that… the weather is nice.”

“I know but it’s not enough reason for us to be late, eh?” Jinhwan smirked at him. He wheeled on his heels as he cocked his head towards the school’s direction. “C’mon,” he said.

Yunhyeong quickly jolted to his feet and jogged back towards the older guy who shoots him a weighted stare all throughout that short ordeal.

“What?” Yunhyeong asked, referring to the pointed gaze of the older guy.

Jinhwan sighed. “Don’t worry about him. It hasn’t been a week yet. He’ll call us soon.”

The last thing they both heard from Hanbin since he left for Japan was short message that he arrived safely to the place he would be staying for his entire trip. It was not that Yunhyeong was very worried. Knowing that Hanbin arrived safe and sound was enough for Yunhyeong. He knew that he had nothing to be concerned about because Hanbin was old enough and strong enough to take care of himself.

_ It was just… _

“I know.”

“You better,” Jinhwan nudged him playfully, “Cause I won’t be the on the other end of the line once he starts his calling spree just to whine about everything he experienced there.” He turned to him with mock seriousness on his face. “I’ll definitely block his number just so you know.”

Yunhyeong couldn’t help but laugh at the Jinhwan’s ridiculous thinking. He gave the older guy a grateful smile for taking away whatever little doubt he may have as they pick up their pace again.

_ …It was just he wondered if the weather was nice there too. _

***

_ Hanbin took Yunhyeong’s waiting silence as form of acquiescence. So, he took a deep breath as he poured all the things he couldn’t say before. “I deserve all the things that you said to me, hyung. I deserve your rejection and anger,” he smiled sadly as the memory of their previous confrontation hit him with familiar blunt sharpness again. “You were right. I’m guilty. I’m guilty for being stupid, for hurting you, for taking advantage of you for all these years, for being selfish. To that… I’m sorry, hyung. But… even though I know that you would still not believe it… I want you to know that what I feel for you is real.” _

_ Yunhyeong stared at Hanbin, stone hard. “It doesn’t matter,” he said in low steady voice. “Hanbin-a, I told you I already –” _

_ “– Moved on. I know,” Hanbin finished for his hyung. He knew what was coming for him. He knew Yunhyeong would hold his ground. He knew that this would never be easy. However, Hanbin also knew what he wanted, what he was feeling. Eyes never faltering with Yunhyeong’s cold gaze, he said, “But still… my decision is to not let you go, hyung.” _

_ Yunhyeong frowned and gave him an almost pleading look. “But you should. Please, Hanbin… don’t be like this. Just forget about it and move on.” _

_ “Just like what you did?” Hanbin countered. “When you said that you’ll take care of your feelings, I let you. That’s your decision and I respected that. This time, I want you to respect mine.” A smile. “These are my feelings, I’ll take care of it.” It was the same words that Yunhyeong said that day when all the dried leaves were dancing with the autumn winds around them and his eyes brimming with broken tears. The words his hyung said before he severed the strings of the kite he had been holding for a long time and let it go. But this time, it was Hanbin who needed to choose and his decision was not to let go. He decided to hold on. _

_ “I’ll wait for you.” _

_ “You’ll be waiting for nothing then.” _

_ Hanbin smiled, eyes full of determination. “Are you sure about that?” _

_ “This is serious, Hanbin.” Yunyheong’s eyes flashed angrily at him. “I’m serious.” _

_ “So am I.” _

***

Yunhyeong was quietly sitting on a bench by the field one Friday afternoon, waiting for Chanwoo. They agreed to meet after their classes to play some games. He still had some time to spare since his last professor ended his lecture short due to some meeting. He was a little lost on his own thoughts watching the students in the field that he failed to notice someone had approached him.

“Hi Yunhyeong sunbae! Are you here alone?”

Yunhyeong blinked out of his bubble just to see Dahyun smiling brightly at him.

“Oh, yeah. Uh, I’m waiting for Chanwoo,” he replied a little panicky being overwhelmed with her sudden presence.

Dahyun looked at him like she just found some gold. “I’m waiting for someone too!” She tilted her head adorably and asked, “Mind if I sit here with you, sunbae?”

“Not at all,” Yunhyeong answered with a smile after recovering from the short surprise. He scooted a little at his side of the bench to make space for Dahyun.

Dahyun bowed at him gratefully as she settled at free space at the opposite side of the bench. “So… is Hanbin-sunbae doing good?” She asked after a brief pause.

Yunhyeong glanced at her in mild surprise before grinning at her amusedly. “He’s doing fine. I guess?”

“You guess?”

Yunhyeong shook his head with a light chuckle. “Yeah. Well, he called yesterday freaking out that he locked his bathroom out when he saw some bug lurking there. As if I could help him from here, right? And no, even if I was with him, I can’t get rid of it for him. Bugs are where our friendship ends.”

“You too, sunbae?” Dahyun giggled cutely and Yunhyeong almost wanted to squish her cheeks. “You two are such kids. They’re just bugs you know.”

“You’re not afraid of them?”

“They’re harmless. There’s nothing to fear.”

Yunhyeong glanced at her in awe and admiration. Bowing politely, he said, “Teach me your ways seonsaeng-nim.”

“Don’t be silly, sunbae.” 

They both laughed and felt at ease after that with Yunhyeong started on spouting all the hilarious and non-sensical reasons that Hanbin had called him for. He told her how Hanbin forgot to separate the whites form the colored clothes and now he had some of his shirt faded. How he messed up cooking some instant ramen. He told her how Hanbin almost combust when he ate some Japanese food and unaware it was very spicy. They both laughed when Yunhyeong told her how Jinhwan was right on blocking Hanbin’s number and how he should have done the same. It has only been two months since he came there and Yunhyeong had a foreboding feeling that it would only get worse for the remaining months of his stay.

“Then he said—” Yunhyeong suddenly stopped midway his anecdote of Hanbin almost getting lost in the campus when he noticed the big grin on Dahyun’s face. “Sorry for taking over our conversation,” he looked at her apologetically, scratching the back of his neck.

“No, it’s fine sunbae. I actually enjoy hearing all of it. You two are really close.” Dahyun stared at Yunhyeong and then giggled. “Even the look you two have when you’re telling stories is so strikingly identical.”

“Huh?”

The freshman looked at Yunhyeong with amusement dancing on her eyes seeing his confusion. She averted her gaze ahead as she told him things that left his mouth hanging. She started on describing the way their eyes would become distant, like they were peering back in time and that exact memory was replaying before them. The way how their face would glow with fondness. The way their voice would become soft and light when they speak of their names. The way they would be so lost in nostalgia that they become unaware how big their smiles were. 

Yunhyeong could only gaped at Dahyun when she finished her spiel. He never expected everything that had been said. How could anyone notice all of those little things in so much detail let alone Dahyun of all people.

“I was with Hanbin sunbae during the first snow last year. He told me about how you’ve always been together on every first snow in the same and exact way on how you told me everything just now,” she explained, answering the unvoiced question that was painfully obvious on Yunhyeong’s face.

_ So, that’s how… _

“And you know what I told Hanbin sunbae that time? I told him to be where he’s supposed to be.” Tilting her head, Dahyun glanced at him with playful and curious eyes. “I’m really hoping that he did.”

Yunhyeong was hit by sudden deluge of warmth and rustling of layers of winter clothing, the smell of winter breeze and puff of the chilly breath, the silver moonlight and amber streetlight. He remembered the face buried on his neck and the stubborn arms encaging him tightly.

“Well… I guess he did.”

***

_ Yunhyeong shook his head as he raked a frustrated hand into his hair. “You already know what I feel. Why are you being like this? Why are making this hard for the both of us?” _

_ “Because I want you… I need you… Because I lo—” _

_ “Hanbin!” _

_ “Hyung, I can’t ok!?” Hanbin fired back, eyes ablaze. “I can’t just move on like you did. Not now that I know what I feel.” _

_ “What about me then? Don’t you know what would it make me feel? Aren’t you being selfish?” _

_ “Yes. I’m being selfish,” Hanbin admitted as he lowered his gaze. He knew that he was being so shameless right now. But he had no choice to be like this. All the other choices would never give him a chance. This was his only way. He smiled bitterly. “Because I’m not Chanwoo. I’m not you. I’m not selfless enough. I’ve been selfish right from the start, taking advantage of you and what you felt for me. Now, you can take advantage of mine.” _

_ “How can you say that?” Yunhyeong spat hoarsely, looking at him in disbelief. “How can you make me do that?” _

_ “Then do nothing, hyung,” Hanbin murmured softly. He felt a little tug on the corner of his lips as he recalled the smell of burnt pancake and conversation they had in the kitchen. “I’m not doing this so you feel obligated to do anything. Treat me as you always treated me. It’s not you who need to do things from now on anyway.” _

_ Yunhyeong closed his eyes and exhaled heavily. He approached Hanbin, arms reaching to his shoulder making the younger look at his eyes that spoke sadness and pain. “Hanbin-a, don’t do this to yourself. I’ve been there, I know how hard and painful to yearn for something that you can never have. You can’t put yourself through that pain for something you just thought is real.” _

_ “Then just let me,” Hanbin pleaded meeting the gaze squarely. “What are you so afraid of? If it’s not real, I would know. If it’s not real I would not be hoping so much, I would not be hurt so much. If you’re so sure that it’s not real, then just let me be.” _

_ “Then what?” _

_ “Then I’ll prove to you that it’s real.” _

_ Yunhyeong shook his head, hands falling back to his side. He lowered his head and turned away. “Real or not doesn’t mean I’ll return whatever you thought your feeling.” _

_ “I’d still take the risk.” _

_ “Why are you being so stubborn about this, Hanbin?” Yunhyeong faced him with sharp unrelenting eyes. He looked at Hanbin like he was so exhausted of arguing about this, like he was so sick of fighting over about something like this. “Can’t you see? That maybe what we have is enough. That maybe we should not ask for too much. Because we always end up like this.” _

_ “Or we could end up together. Why can’t you let me try? You said, you moved on. You have nothing to lose, hyung.” _

_ Hanbin watched as the unyielding resolve on Yunhyeong’s eyes into trepidation. “I could lose my best friend… I could lose you.” _

_ “That’s never going to happen,” Hanbin replied solidly and in the most reassuring voice he could muster. He smiled at the older guy, peering into him to put his trust on him. “No matter what it takes, no matter how awkward or how hard it might be. You could never get rid of me… even if you want to.” _

_ “But that’s not how it works. You know it. Why are you willing to risk everything for nothing?” _

_ “Because it’s worth it. You’re worth it.” _

***

“Today’s the last day.”

“Not for you though.” Yunhyeong smirked, looking at Chanwoo mischievously. “You have a summer class.”

Chanwoo rolled his eyes and nudged the older guy playfully. “Don’t remind me.” He then picked some stray grass on his side and threw it blindly in front him like pouty little kid.

“Is my dongsaeng sad that he’ll miss his cool big brother during summer vacation?”

Yunhyeong laughed at Chanwoo’s facial expression. He looked so grossed out at him. Suddenly he choked out of his laughter when dried leaves and grasses were thrown out to his face.

“You’re so shameless, hyung.”

“Ya! You disrespectful brat!”

They laughed and started stalking leaves and grasses their hands got a hold on too to each other faces. The truth was, it was Yunhyeong who would definitely miss the younger guy. He was nothing but helpful to him all through out from the start. He was always there when Yunhyeong needed someone to lean on. He always made sure to make him smile even though it was so uncharacteristic for him to tell some lame jokes. Chanwoo was like a steady rock that made him grounded and Yunhyeong could not express in words how grateful he was for having him around, for being such a loyal friend to him. Yunhyeong couldn’t help but felt like he was taking advantage of him somehow, like he did nothing but to receive from Chanwoo. But when he told him about it, Yunhyeong was just laughed at. Chanwoo made a face and ruffled his hair and told him that he was thinking too much. Yunhyeong promised to himself to never forget that day and wished that someday he could be the same person as Chanwoo was to him.

“Hyung…” Chanwoo’s soft voice called him out, breaking the silence after their laughter died down.

Yunhyeong glanced curiously at him but Chanwoo was not looking at him. He was staring ahead, watching the people on the park they were in. The rays of the setting sun lighting up his face like candle flames in the dark lonely night.

“Do you know the answer now?”

“Hmm? Answer on what?”

“On why did you cry… that time.”

Yunhyeong stared at Chanwoo for a lingering silence, slightly taken aback by the sudden question. He knew what Chanwoo was referring to. The distant memory of that night was still flickering on his eyes and still clinging to his heart. He opened his mouth only to close it again when he found out that he still had nothing to say. The memory of the last confrontation he had with Hanbin was flashed in front of his eyes in burning light. All the things they did, all the words that they said to each other echoing in his head. There has always been a tug on his heart that tells him that he already knew the answer but he couldn’t have himself to put it into words.

“I think I know the answer, hyung,” Chanwoo said, finally looking at Yunhyeong. “Hyung, I think that… you still love him.”

Yunhyeong eyes widen, surprised with blatant words from the younger guy. “B-but… I… I already moved on. It can’t be right,” he whispered weakly. It was the truth. But why do those words feel weightless now?

“You just stopped yearning, hyung. You just stopped hoping. But all the love is still there.”

Yunhyeong could only watch as Chanwoo gave him a smile that was both heartbreaking and happy at the same time.

“It never goes away.” 

***

_ “Because it’s worth it. You’re worth it.” _

_ Yunhyeong looked stunned for a moment before shook his head and shot Hanbin a self-deprecating smile. “You know… it would have been perfect if you said those words before. But now, that moment was long gone.” Yunhyeong paused as he reached out to his shoulder and gave it a weak squeeze. “I told you, it’s too late. For you. For me. For us.” _

_ “It’s also too late for me to forget about this and just let you go.” Hanbin briefly glanced at the horizon only to see that the sky had finally set. Looking back at Yunhyeong with a hopeful smile, he said, “If you let me, maybe it could be perfect this time around. _

_ “And if it’s not? Aren’t you afraid of what will happen to us? Aren’t you scared that there will be nothing left for us to pick up?” _

_ “I’m scared, hyung. I’m very scared that I might be wrong. I’m scared of what could happen. But the thought of not even trying or not letting you know or not be able to show you what I feel frightened me the most.” _

_ Hanbin’s voice was soft and unguarded, eyes reaching to Yunhyeong who only shook his head but said nothing. Hanbin stood in there in full determination and staring right back at Yunhyeong’s unrelenting eyes. His hyung looked conflicted and exhausted but most of all vulnerable. Hanbin wanted nothing but to run into him, hug him and chase all of his fears away. But he knew that he had to hold himself back for now.  _

_ For now… _

_ “You’re right. If only I realized everything a little earlier, it could’ve been perfect.” Hanbin lifted his head and peered at the sky for a moment, watching the stars blinked into life. “We have some messed up timing, isn’t it?” He sighed chuckling wryly at the lack of humor. “You’ve waited for so long to the point that you’ve given up. Now, it’s my turn to do the waiting. So, take your time, hyung.” Hanbin lowered his gaze and stared directly at Yunhyeong. Without an ounce of hesitation. Without any trace of doubt.  _

_ “This time, I’ll make sure we get the timing right.” _

_ Hanbin approached Yunhyeong in slow and careful steps. He put his hand on both side of his hyung’s face and leaned in until their forehead bumped to each other. _

_ “You don’t want me to say it so, I won’t. No matter how much I wanted to say those words. I swear that I’ll never say it, not until you want me too, not until you feel the same…” _

*** 

The sun was already on its peak and glaring down from the sky when Yunhyeong arrived on their apartment building. He heaved a sigh of relief as soon as his whole body was finally out of sight of intense sunlight outside. He could not believe that their coach wanted to hold a training camp three weeks before the school starts in this kind of weather. The mere thought could already make his throat dry. Wiping the beads of sweat on his forehead, he hauled himself in the elevator. Yunhyeong made a mental note to avoid travelling during this part of the day ever again during this season or he would surely combust due to the intense summer heat. As soon as he heard the ding, he trudged haphazardly out of the elevator and towards their unit, wanting to be inside as the room where he could cool himself as quickly as possible.

There was some sort of euphoric feeling when Yunhyeong was finally inside their apartment and he heard the low buzzing sound of the air conditioning. He stood at the doorway relishing the coolness that started seeping through the thin material of his clothing for quite some time before an alarming thought dawned to him.

_ Jinhwan hyung was still out of town so why was the air con— _

Yunhyeong jolted from his position and rushed to the living room only to froze on what greeted him there.

Hanbin rubbed his eyes and yawned as he glanced at him. “Hello hyung,” he said with his signature smile.

“H-Hanbin?” Yunhyeong could not believe on what he was seeing. Were his eyes playing tricks on him? Was this kind of hallucination after walking under the scorching sun?

“Yes, no and no.”

_ Did he just say that out loud? _

Hanbin laughed at him. “Yes.”

“You... you’re really back?” Yunhyeong blinked at his dongsaeng owlishly, finally gaining his sense back. “But I thought you’re not supposed to be here until next week?”

Hanbin smirked at him and shrugged. “Isn’t it obvious, I lied.”

“What?” Yunhyeong was slightly thrown off-guard with such flippant remark. “Why?”

“I wanted to surprise you.” Hanbin grinned at him. “I guess I just did.”

“Yeah... I guess so.” Yunhyeong gave in a small smile as he finally took his chance to stare at Hanbin, noticing how much he had changed and stayed the same at the same time. Yunhyeong noticed how Hanbin’s hair was a little shorter than before. He noticed that he must have gained some weight and how he looked a little taller than before. How his smile never loses its child-like quality or how his eyes were now twinkling with a new and more mature light in them. Yunhyeong could say that Hanbin’s stay there did him good.

“You look good, hyung.”

“What?” Yunhyeong sounded a little defensive. He was so focused at his own version of gazing that he failed to notice that the Hanbin was doing the same to him. He looked at his sweat drenched shirt before laughing at his state of scruffiness. “You’re pulling my leg, aren’t you? I just came from a quite a walk outside.”

Hanbin shrugged. “A little sweaty but still looking good all the same.”

They both stared at each other for a second then they burst into fit of laughter. Silence followed the once their mirth died down and Yunhyeong found himself in an awkward position in the living room thinking of the things that he should say but before he could ask the generic question, ‘how was your trip?’, Hanbin beat him to it.

“Hyung… I missed you.”

Yunhyeong’s eyes widen in surprise. He lifted his gaze only to see Hanbin looking at him like he wanted nothing but to engulfed him with a big hug. He was staring at him like wanted to say something more but he could not so he just settled with a fond smile playing on his lips, eyes full of warmth and affection. But it was the sound of his voice that shook Yunhyeong to his core. The sound of his voice that he knew he heard before, for so many times, repeatedly. 

_ Hyung, I was out in the park. The cherry blossoms are so pretty, especially being blown away gently by the wind. I wish you could both see it together someday. You know... I can spell out your name on the cherry blossoms as they fall… _

_ Hyung, come outside. Are you looking at the sky? I’m staring at the moon. It’s so beautiful… It felt like I’m looking into your eyes. _

_ Hyung, I’m hungry! I’m tired of instant ramen. When I get back home, can you teach how to cook? Or not… forget it. I don’t want to learn, you might stop cooking for me. I like it better when you cook for me. _

_ Hyung, are you sleeping already? Hyung did you just fall asleep on me? Hyung! Hyung… I missed you making me a glass of milk. I wish you were here. _

_ Hyung, did you eat already? No? Ok, wait for me then, let’s eat together. It’s much better to eat with someone, right?” _

_ Hyung, is this movie showing in Korea too? Really? Great! Let’s watch it together! I’ll watch around 5pm here. Uh, there’s no time difference, right?  _

_ Hyung, is that Chanwoo? Why is that brat still with you? It’s already late! _

_ Hyung, I dreamed of you last night. We were flying kite even though it was raining. _

_ Hyung… I can’t wait to go back… I can’t wait to go home… _

Yunhyeong would only be lying to himself if he said that he did not know the meaning behind all of the things that Hanbin said. He would be lying be if pretend that he did not know the reason why. It was so painfully clear. They were all different but they all meant one thing. They all intended to make him feel one thing. They all translate to the same three words that Yunhyeong would not let him say, not because they meant nothing, but because Yunhyeong was afraid that he might feel something. The words that Hanbin promised not to say.

“Hanbin-a…”

“Hmm?”

For a long time, Yunhyeong could still not decide. He kept thinking and thinking of what could happen. He kept thinking what would be the right choice. For a long time, he closed his heart because he was so afraid of getting hurt again only to feel the same pain when he thought he was over it. For a long time, he was holding himself back, he kept on denying himself of the happiness he always wanted, scared of losing the things he treasured the most. This time, he decided to put an end on it. Even though he could be wrong, even though he could lose everything, even though there was no guarantee at all.

_ You just stopped yearning, hyung. You just stopped hoping. But all the love is still there. It never goes away. _

Maybe it’s time for him to hope again. 

With his eyes full of hope and determination, Yunhyeong smiled at Hanbin with an open heart.

“You can say it now,” he said.

END

***

EPILOGUE

Yunhyeong was walking at a less crowded pathway after getting out from his last class. It was still early and they have no basketball practice that afternoon so he was mulling over on asking their little group to hang out. Engrossed at his thoughts about the possible itinerary, Yunhyeong was taken aback when Chanwoo suddenly appeared right in front of him. He looked out of breath like he had just ran around the campus.

“Song Yunhyeong,” Chanwoo said in a firm voice, looking into him still breathing hard. He took a big gulp of air and grinned boyishly at him. “I’m in love with you.”

Yunhyeong wide eyes blinked dumbly a few times before his mouth fell. He watched as Chanwoo walked over to him with confident strides and stood so close to him that he could hardly make out the smiling expression on his face. He leaned, whispered something on his ear and kissed his cheek before running off at some random direction. Yunhyeong gaped at Chanwoo’s retreating back for a few seconds before he felt lips curl and his gaze soften.

_ “Tell me if Hanbin hyung ever hurt you again, ok? I’ll snatch you away from him and make you fall in love with me that you'll never think of him ever again.” _

* * *

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally posted in another fanfic site (it's almost finished there). I just wanted to expose the story in much more open platform and general demographic. It was my first story I put in the internet and my first story here. I have not edited much but most of the glaring errors had already been fixed but still I might have missed some (a lot hehe). So let me know what you guys think! Constructive criticism is welcome. And oh, if you're on twitter, let's be mutuals: @milkfishy


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